Phantasmagorical

Is he walking the dog or walking with God?

2010-06-29T22:31:00.001-07:00

This is real life

2010-05-23T00:48:00.001-07:00

this last year has really been challenging for me.

i have moved twice,
been through the juvenile extra judicial sanctions process,
lost my job,
quit a job,
took a job i loved once and could love again but for a few people who make it difficult,
blew out my back and lost 4 months of work
lived through some very difficult changes in my relationship
seen my children and step children drift apart so far that i don’t know that they will ever bond again
watched my daughter sink into a depression and make some choices that were not what i thought was best for her

this year has also been a blessing for me.

i have found God and I am learning to love knowing him again as I did as a child
i have met my daughter and have gotten to know her and love her for who she is not the ideal image that was always in my mind.
i have seen one of my children get the help we have been seeking for years
i have watched the same child start to mature and begin to come of age
I have made a home with my boys in a great place where they are making friends and becoming independent
i have recovered from my injury and have been able to return to work and develop some great relationships
my relationship with dean has survived the changes and is stronger than ever
i am learning to be independent and self sufficient while being on my own. (this one i am still working on sometimes on an hour by hour basis)

yesterday i was listening to my iPod and it hit me just how blessed i am and how thankful i am that while i might not have much i have a lot that many people only wish to have.

i learned a long time ago that i am a survivor and that i can face adversity with a smile on my face because no matter how bad it gets i will survive and overcome it. there are days that i crash and cry and can’t see any future but they are not often and they are usually days that there has been some sort of trigger that i don’t have control over that put me over the edge. and always in the morning i can see a brighter future.

today was an average day.

i slept in late because i could,
i called dean and asked him if he would like to join me shopping for groceries
took Drew to a BD party
dean bbq’d burgers and we ate together with the kids
the kids bickered and fought and i wanted to duct tape their mouths shut
we watched an american tale and ice age together with Dan while Keygan and Drew played peacefully down the hall
i came home and finished putting groceries away
watched some tv while playing MW on FB
did the dishes and started some laundry

nothing spectacular, nothing that required much effort just a normal saturday and it was wonderful.

i felt loved and blessed today because

i spent time with my family
i got a hug from my boys
Dean and i had time to hold hands while watching a movie
my daughter called and told me she loves me
my mom called to say she was going away for a few days and just wanted to let me know

The last year has been challenging but because of days like today I have survived.

sisters

2010-05-17T21:09:00.002-07:00

My aunt turned 85 on Saturday and most of the family gathered to celebrate it in Bear Creek Park in Surrey. It was nice to see everyone I remembered and meet everyone I didn't.

I took this picture of her and my mom near the end of the afternoon. Allergies and exhaustion had started to settle on Aunty but she still looks fantastic.

God's art my camera angle.

2010-05-11T07:34:00.003-07:00

I was looking forward to our mini vacation.

2010-03-14T00:15:00.001-08:00

Now it seems it may end up being a flash trip to the concert and back.

I won’t know for sure until tomorrow night but I think I know the man well enough to know he will accept the responsibility that others didn’t. The worst is that I know he is torn in having to make a choice in taking some much needed us time or asking me to understand that once again we can’t.

I have looked forward to this for months and so has he. I made the arrangements as needed months ago and so did he. I followed up a week ago to make sure all my ducks were in a row and so did he. So what happened? A decision made in spite of our plans on the same weekend which leaves us in a lurch for guilt-free childcare.

I am so upset and really feel that I can’t express it to the man without making him feel really bad and making his choice even more difficult. We haven’t had a weekend with no children since school started and due to circumstances beyond our control we didn’t get our usual week away this last year and probably won’t this year either.

This was supposed to be a Thursday-Sunday get-away with a Tim McGraw/Lady Antebellum concert on the Thursday and then 3 days at our favourite spa location just relaxing and reconnecting as a couple. We have been planning it since November. The only saving grace is we hadn’t booked the Spa yet so we have flexibility.

I am not sure what I will do with my kids if it is a flash trip down to the coast and back simply because they were going to spend a few days with their dad but if I am only going to be gone one night I am not sure sending them makes financial sense.

I can’t believe this is happening only a week away from a trip we have been looking forward to for so many months.

the lights of the season

2009-12-04T00:27:00.001-08:00

It was something we all looked forward to every year. Wondering like children will, when the lights would go up and what they would add this year to make it better than last. It never really occurred to us that they always turned them on December 1st we just knew they came on a few weeks before school break and were gone by the time we returned in the new year.

There were many houses that had lights but in our eyes they were all just burnt out bulbs in comparison to the white house on Austin. I don’t know why we all thought this house was so special because in retrospect it was not much more than an old army house but like so many things in childhood this house seemed larger than life to us when it was lit up.

We would walk by the house every day and hope the lights would be on for us to see them. Of course they never were as it wasn’t yet dusk when we walked home. It really didn’t matter though as we could see the decorations despite the lack of electricity.

On the roof there was Santa sitting in his sleigh his reindeer securely harnessed. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and of course Rudolph complete with a red bulb nose. There were snowmen on the ground that the gentleman of the house had made carefully made from plywood and painted to look just like Frosty. I remember angels and little toy trains and wagons and all things that made us smile and point and cheer when we saw them every year. The craftsmanship and pride in each piece was beautiful to see.

The walk home was special but it was the drive by that always was the best. Like I said it wasn’t the most spectacular display but it was the one we all wanted to see lit up each year and when each of us finally had a chance to go somewhere with our parents after dark we inhaled the sight with such excitement that our parents all knew to take the main road and go slow past the white house where the old couple lived so that we could brag to our friends the next day that we were first or second to see the lights lit up.

Oh the colours and the twinkle of the lights. To this day I can recall the yellow, blue, red and green pattern of the lights that lined the eaves. How the lights lined the entire front yard fence. The star that was lit at the peak of the roof at the eastern most point. All the little toys in the yard had little lights around their edges making the daytime decorations come alive with activity at night. It was magic to our pre-teen eyes.

This year there are many more houses that seem to have lights than what we have in the city most years due to the fact that it has been warm. Most don’t have the same care and attention but instead are made up of blow up statues or preformed shapes but they are still pretty and there are still houses here that the kids ask to see year after year. Today as I drove past a house not far from the boys school that reminded me of the old white house and it brought a smile to my face and happiness in my heart and melted away much of the anger frustration and anxiety I have had this week.

That house reminded me that it wasn’t the gifts I received that stayed with me long after the holidays had passed but the feelings of being with family, feeling loved and knowing that the light of Christmas and all it stands for shouldn’t go out when the lights of the season do.

Look a Baby Woodpecker

2009-07-06T14:08:00.000-07:00

Early this spring Dean and his dad took saws to the apple tree across the street. At the request of the neighbour of course!

A few weeks later we noticed a pair of Flicker Woodpeckers nearby and started watching to see where they would make thier nest. There is a small hollow in the apple tree and that is where they decided to make thier home. It was really the perfect spot for them as spring allowed the foliage to grow around them and hide them from the general view. for us it was perfect too as we have had a chance to watch the adults come and go and have been able to enjoy them while leaving them their space.

Yesterday morning Dean was out in the yard doing some work with his dad on the truck when he noticed that one of the little guys was out venturing on his own. He sent the boy in to get me and the camera and here is the result.

2009-06-23T09:23:00.001-07:00

I wish you were all here with me the last week. I am not sure I can capture on screen what I have been through but I will try and share it accurately.

Saturday June 12, 2009 I received a letter that will forever change my life. The letter had been on the table for a few days but unfortunately I didn't notice it earlier and Dean had forgotten to tell me it was there.

It was another letter from the Ministry of Children and Family Services. I expected it to be about our case and the upcoming changes to our counselling program. It was not. Instead it was from the Adoption Ministry and it indicated that a young lady was looking to make contact with me. Twenty one years I had waited for contact and it never occurred to me it might come in the form of a letter.

You can understand the emotion I was feeling if you think back to the day you gave birth and your child was given to you for the very first time. I cried tears of joy for the next 3 days.

You see I never held my daughter the day she was born. I requested that she not be placed in my arms or even my wing of the hospital. I had made a decision months before to give her up for adoption and I needed to maintain my distance to follow through on my choice and now I was going to get the chance if all things went well.

They have. It has been a week since I got my first email from Leila and I can't wait for the next contact be it via text message, phone call or another email. I have seen pictures and she is beautiful. I have read her blogs and have fallen in love all over again with my girl, not the girl in my mind since I last felt her kick but with the woman she has become.

I can't wait to meet her and see baby pictures and school photos. I can't wait to talk through the wee hours of morning about all her hopes and dreams. I can't wait to tell her mine.

Today I shared something with her that I am not sure I could share with anyone else in my life and in return she shared with me what I hope will be the first in a live long lesson she can help me learn.

I am vulnerable right now and I have shared this with Leila and I know she understands. I can't say why I know this because we haven't had a conversation on the subject just a simple admission and a return text. Perhaps the connection that a mother and daughter have isn't just the physical connection or the one brought about by sharing their intimate lives but rather a bond that goes much deeper.

I know I have never questioned my mom knowing me as she does because we are best friends. We are best friends because we developed that bond when I was growing up and she was always there for me when I needed her and to this day she still is. Leila and I don't have that bond, at least not yet but there is still that connection I can feel it and now that I know what causes it I can truthfully state that the connection has always been there.

Not too many years ago I remember going through a very difficult stage in this adoption process. I was convinced that something was terribly wrong and that I would never have the chance with my daughter that I have been given this week. I tried to express my fears to my husband but in all honesty we both thought it must just be a part of the process. the fear of not knowing and maybe never knowing what has happened to someone no longer in your life. My fears were not unfounded. Leila's mom lost her battle with cancer around the same time. Coincidence or a mother's knowledge of the child she has never seen or held?

There is still a long road ahead of us if we are going to build this into a mother/daughter relationship. I know I can't replace her mom. Nothing ever can. I don't want to replace her. I want to build a new relationship one that is ours not one that was theirs and is a pick up from where it left off. I don't "know" Leila yet but I do know her family inherited traits and habits as I look at my sons everyday and see them. I hope to "know" who she is and how I can help her become who she wants to be.

This is amazing and incredible and only God knows where it goes from here and as she said to me in our very first communication.... I am giving this up to Him and trusting that he knows what is best for my daughter and I.

Picture Perfect Cold

2009-01-07T12:36:00.000-08:00

Picture Perfect - COLD

Click the link above to participate in this weeks Picture Perfect Contest or just to enjoy some fantastic photos.

While we just saw the end to a cold snap that lasted almost 3 weeks with temperatures between -15 and -25 Celsius before the wind factor, I had to dig back a few years for this treasure. It was New Years Day and we loaded the kids into the Bronco and took off for the hills (literally) We climbed the mountain into the fresh deep snow and then hiked into the perfect location for the sleds to roar down the hill.

We were out in the weather for about 2 hours before the cold sliced its way through out mitts, boots and jackets and it was time to head home.

As you can see a good time was definitely the result of this very COLD adventure.

Working two jobs and getting ready for the holiday

2008-12-15T03:06:00.000-08:00

And that my friends is why I haven't been around!

Here are some recent photos for you to enjoy.

This is why I want to stay in bed all day.

2008-12-14T06:24:00.000-08:00

-15

°C

A few clouds

Feels Like: -27
Wind: W 33km/h
Wind gusts: 46km/h
Sunrise: 7:56
Sunset: 15:56

Relative Humidity: 42%
Pressure: 102.95 kPa
Visibility: 48.0 km
Ceiling: unlimited

In American lauguage.

°F

A few clouds

Feels Like: -17
Wind: W 21m/h
Wind gusts: 21m/h
Sunrise: 7:56
Sunset: 15:56

Relative Humidity: 42%
Pressure: 1,029.50 mb
Visibility: 29.8 miles
Ceiling: unlimited

I am writing cause I am tired of trying to get through to a wall

2008-11-17T12:38:00.000-08:00

Andrew "forgot" his spelling at school. I sent him back to the school to get it and about20 minutes behind him I sent his brother so he wouldn't have to walk home alone in the dark. His brother got into the school talked to his old principal and teacher and came home without his brother because he couldn't find him.

Five minutes later little brother walks in and says he couldn't get into the school

I would have driven his butt back there myself but my van blew a head gasket today much like I am about to do tonight. Needless to say I am without wheels til payday and the man is out hunting with his dad again!

Turns out he didn't do the stuff he was behind on last week that I have already grounded him for. So now what am I to do? I extended the grounding and yelled til I am hoarse but honestly I don't think it has done a bit of good and the spelling still isn't done.

If it was one assignment I wouldn't be so concerned but it is about 8 of them. Turns out the little bugger has been lying to me about how much homework he has had for months and only now is the teacher informing me (via the agenda which gets forgotten as much as the spelling) and he is going to end up with incompletes on his report card as a result.

Then he hands me the French test. 85 out of 56 !!!! I am one livid mom right now because he tells me that he doesn't know any of it. His duo-tang is virtually empty of the info on the test and he doesn't have his text book home to do his corrections.

All this while I am trying to apply for a second job and second guessing my need for money versus my need to be home for these kids after school.

I already have one son failing his courses that I have no control over because he lives with his father. Am I really supposed to let another child become a failure because he is as lazy as his gene pool? (Cruel but true in so many ways) I don't get it at all as even in school I was ambitious and more worried about getting in trouble for not having it done that I was worried about having to do it. Even today I bust my tail to meet my deadlines when I have deadlines to meet. I even bring home the work I can't get done at work.

I am so MAD right now and I can't do a damn thing about it. I guess I could go cry at least then I wouldn't have this pent up frustration ready to explode.

Pass the kleenex will ya please I am going to need it.

Sunday Morning Snippets

2008-11-16T12:18:00.002-08:00

1. The man and the ex got their moose last weekend. A 1000 pounds dressed! Should fill our freezer for the better part of the year. I can't wait until we can have our first moose roast.

2. The weather is quickly turning from dry to damp. We have only had one snowfall so far but the fogs have been thick enough to make everything damp and cold.

3. I have been sleeping a lot lately. More than I should be and have turned my self around so much that I find it hard to stay awake unless I am up doing something. I am going to focus this week on going to bed much ealier than I have been and see if I can set this right without having to see the doctor about it.

4.I have almost completed my dad's Christmas gift. I struggle each year to find something unique and inexpensive. This year I am making a DVD of my photos for him that he can jsut throw into the DVD player and put on like a screen saver when they have company or just want to have something in the background.

5. I need to get the above completed so I can get my butt in gear on my christmas cards. I have made my templates for the majority of them but they will be time consuming no matter how I do them. I may end up doing the handmade ones only for my team and family instead of for everyone. I saw some cute easy to make ones the other day so I may do those too.

6. We started our Christmas shopping and we know what we are getting the kids we jsut haven't figured out if it will be on credit this year. I am hoping to avoid putting anything on the cards but we will see what happens.

7. We will not have our usual designer tree or center piece this year. Instead we may go get one from the bush and make a wreath and center piece of our own. Anything to save some money over the holidays is going to help.

8. I am not sure if the boys are going to go north to see their dad this year. My hours at work make driving there and back to drop them off tough and the cost of sending them on the bus is worth a couple of large gifts. Their dad might have to work the whole time too and they were there last year so they will understand and can spend spring break with him instead.

9. my house needs cleaning. I should be doing that now but instead I am here wasting time so I don't have to face the dirt. I swear the only way to clean this house is to stop buying stuff that we don't need. We really need to become more simplistic in our wants and needs. As the kids get bigger so does their stuff and there is just no room for it.

10. We are cleaning out our storage unit making everything fit into a smaller unit. It is amazing the stuff I have kept and paid to keep for the last 3 years. We are making many trips to the dump getting rid of the stuff and going through the stuff we thought was worth keeping finding out it wasn't worth keeping at all!

Ok I am off to do what I must I can't believe I made it to 10 without much effort. Maybe random thoughts are the way to go.

Hugs

Melancholy

2008-11-09T20:12:00.002-08:00

I am struggling tonight with feelings of melancholy and sadness.

If you read my blog last week you know we were going through some major issues here on the homefront. I am happy to say that it appears most of it has been settled and with the exception of a few classes that the man and I are going to take to help with coping with child conflict I am pleased to be able to say all the kids are safe and sound at home and there are no charges being laid.

We learned a valuable lesson from it all and will be better parents as a result. It has just been very difficult being under the microscope for the last couple weeks. The man is still pretty mad about the whole thing but I think that is more because of his guilt than the rest. He is going to need to really work on his relationship with the boy to get through this without holding a grudge. The point I keep trying to get across is that while a truth was stretched it was the truth and not a fabrication of a lie and there is the root of the problem that there was a truth to tell.

Last week there was also a death in my ex-husbands family. A man I didn't know well but his son is a very important person in my life and I felt it was important to be there. I made the plans with my ex to travel with him and to attend the funeral. It was the first function I would attend with him since we seperated and while we are still best of friends it was pretty obvious the situation could be awkward for everyone else. The man gave me a good ribbing about spending the weekend out of town with the ex. There was good humour in his comments but there was also some insecurity in his ribbing and that caused me some stress knowing that I needed to be at this service for my own reasons but that the circumstances could cause some tension in my relationship.

The service was nice but it brought many memories with it of the loss of my father in law in '92. My sister-in-law on one side of me and my ex on the other there was unspoken emotion as the piper played amazing grace and the family shared the stories of the man they knew as dad and pops. It was also hard to see the emotional reactions of all his loved ones and family, knowing that I will have to deal with all they are going through at some point and I am not emotionally stable enough to even consider it. It was truly good to see everyone and it was hard too. They were my family for so many years and now I am the ex-wife that doesn't fit into the niche anymore. I thank God my sister-in-law understood because she stayed close most of the afternoon.

We left around 3:30 with a 5 hour drive home in front of us. The ex and I were both tired an emotional. We talked a lot about things that didn't matter and avoided the things that did because while we are best friends we are not each others soul support anymore and what I am feeling needs to be shared with the man not the ex. It was a good drive with no snow through the mountains and only some fog to deal with. We got home just as the boys were going to bed and after watching the hockey game I booted it to bed around 11pm exhausted.

The man and the ex left this morning for a hunting trip. Odd yes but it is good for all of us that they are building a friendship that doesn't have me at the core of it. It is good for them and it is good for the relationship they each have with the kids and with me. I feel in the long run the better relationship the two men in my life have the better we will all be for it. Besides it gives each of them a chance to complain about all my faults to someone who understands!

Today was a hard day for me I was emotionally drained and quite honestly slept more than I was awake. I didn't have a chance to talk to the man last night about everything I needed to and tonight I talked to his ex about all that happened last week. She told me how much the man has changed since she knew him and how his personality, since meeting me or since having cancer she isn't sure which, has changed. She says he had a very even temper and wouldn't get upset for love nor money. That shocked me as the man I met had a screen name of sadistictemper and is not the calmest man in the world. He is expressive and not afraid to speak his mind and its one of the things I fell in love with when we met. His mom is the same as is his brother so to me it wasn't much of a stretch to think that he would be the same. It was hard to hear given the recent situation and is something I think he and I need to explore further because if my boys and I have caused the changes then something needs to be done to help that, be it counselling or whatever.

When the man called tonight it was like a dam broke. I could feel the heartache and the anxiety that he is hundreds of miles away until Tuesday night and right now I really need him to be close. I didn't let on that I was upset but I am sure he knew something was wrong when I told him I needed him home soon and he has just got there.

I also found out tonight that I have all 4 kids on Tuesday. Due to the holiday I was only supposed to have my 2 for the time Dean was gone. I was looking forward to the quality time with just my boys and I am dissapointed that I won't have that time. I am also aware that there is tension when "dad" isn't home for the other two and that I don't have the patience to be a single parent to four kids for even a few days. Dean does! I do not! I figure Nana will step in at some point even though I took the days off so she wouldn't need to be here at 4am on my work days. She understands there is tension here sometimes too and she does her best to break it when she can. I was hoping to take my boys to the zoo on Tuesday to get some photos but i won't be able to do that this week as I can't afford for all 5 of us to go when it isn't a payday weekend. I will have to find something else to do with them for the day.

All in all I have just had so much going on in my head that I can't keep it straight and I am not sure I did it any justice here because stupidly I keep wondering what the people who read it might think. Maybe I should have switched to pen and paper but I won't delete it now. I have worked too hard to put it on the screen.

I will maybe put the rest to paper but for now I will go watch my show and go to bed.

Hugs

our day trip to the orchard

2008-10-20T17:39:00.000-07:00

I found out about a pumpkin patch festival last week and told Dean I wanted to make a family day out of it. Yesterday was the day and we loaded 5 kids into the van just before lunch and headed 75 miles east to Davison Orchards to pick out pumpkins and spend some time making memories.

We couldn't have picked a better day for it. While there was a heavy frost in the morning by the time we left just after 11am the sun was shining and it was a gorgeous day. We took the back roads to Vernon because Dean was hoping to see some deer. We didn't see any, but the drive was lovely as the kids were well behaved and pretty quiet for the whole trip.

We arrived in Vernon and tried to follow the directions from the online map (that we didn't print) but we ran into a snag when we zigged instead of zagging and ended up misplaced. (We were not lost as we were in a city Dean knows pretty well.) After assuring the kids that being lost and being misplaced are very different things and that if they kept up their prodding about being lost we would show them in short order that we knew exactly how to get home!, we stopped and checked our sense of direction at the gas station and we were there within 5 minutes.

The place was PACKED. There were people everywhere! After being directed to where we could park (on the field that used to hold all the green pepper plants) we walked to the main gates of the orchard. It was immediately obvious that this place was a family run business with a true family spirit among them. There was a critter corner, a big playground, a cafe, bakery, gift shop, snack shack, corn maze and train rides through the orchard on what was not a train at all but rather a bunch of 4 seater boxes attached together and towed by a tractor out to the pumpkin patch and back. To give you an idea how busy it was there was 8 cars to a train that held a maximum of 32 people per trip and they were running 3 of these trains with a wait time no longer than 5 minutes between trains. That means they were running about 380 people an hour if the train was full and we waited in line for almost 40 minutes!!!!!!!

We spent a couple of hours wandering around the orchard yard looking at everything there was for us to see without crowding all the kids into the shops (I aint that crazy) The kids had a chance to run through the corn maze which was no longer green and lush and tall but rather strawlike and short enough for us to see them through the majority of it. They wandered through the Critter Corner petting the animals they could reach. The goats were anything but hungry after all the children that had been feeding them for the past two days so getting them to come to the fence was near impossible. The donkey had a cold and kept blowing his nose. It was funny to see him make this noise and then hear all the kids squeal at how gross the snot coming out of his nose was. LOL It was rather gross. The other donkey was very passive and liked the camera so much he would only let me take pictures of the side of his face as he looked at the lens. I did get a full picture of him later in the afternoon.

There was a booth where you could make a full size scarecrow for only $15. Unfortunately they did that earlier in the day and we were not able to take part but we will be sure to the next time. Where they had been making the scarecrows there was a fair amount of hay leftover and there were both adults and kids tossing it at each other. I am sure the one man was wishing for a shower by late afternoon becuse there were kis stuffing the hay up his shirt! They also had two covered areas that had dried corn kernels in them where kids could play in the corn instead of a sand box. They also had a corn teepee that every kid in the place was in at one time or another.

There was an old farm museum which was really just an old stall full of neat stuff that used to be used on a farm. As we walked around we also noticed there were a lot of antique tractors and farm equipment.

After the Critter Corner we decided to take a trip on the train and as I mentioned earlier we stood in line for some time to go on it. The kids were really well behaved in line and seemed to enjoy just watching the crowd. There was a glider flying above us which really fascinated the kids. Dean spent a fair amount of the time in line explaining the glider to them. We took up two "train" cars and bumped our way to the pumpkin patch.

The kids raced off the train and into the field to find their perfect pumpkin. I tried not to influence the choices they made except to make sure that the pumpkin was healthy enough to last until after the holiday. They each picked fantastic pumpkins and I made sure to take pictures of each fo them with their own choice. I will do so again after they are carved as well. We climbed back aboard the train and then to the van to drop off the pumpkins before we sent the kids to play in the playground for a while.

Taking the opportunity while the kids were playing on slides and swings, Dean and I went into the shops. The moment we entered the scent of spices and baking was telling us to come and taste test all the goodies they had out on display. The store was broken into 4 parts. The first was the fruit and veggies. Apples eveywhere! They grow 10 different types of apples and had 8 types left in stock. They were out of the two I really wanted to try as they are specialty apples that are new to BC but there is always next year to try them. We tried a few different types and settled on the Fuji gold which are very sweet and yummy. We also picked up a bag of bartlett pears and some peppers.

Moving into the next section of the store was a real treat. There were sauces and dressings, jams and salsas, oils and vinegars, dips and pickled veggies. It was all expensive but oh so tasty! We grabbed a jar of Maple Pumpkin Butter, Apple Cinnamon BBQ sauce and debated on pickled garlic and hot jalepeno jelly. Saving money won out and we moved into the next section.

The gift shop was difficult to get around as there were a lot of people and quite a few strollers. In a gift shop this size strollers are almost a rude invasion even though I understand the need for parents to used them. The gifts were all harvest oriented with a few christmas ornaments scattered in various places. There were candles, placemats, dishes of all kinds, window hangings and ornaments for doors. There were vases, plaques for the wall and picture frames. There was also a small section for the kids with cars and figurines and other high priced dollar store toys that I am glad the kids didn't see.

The last section of the store was not only the check out but also the bakery, candy and ice cream shop all rolled into one. We bought both pumpkin and deep dish apple pie because we couldn't pick between the two and picked up some pop for the kids and went to round them up in the playground.

Being Sunday we needed to head home and make sure the kids were ready for school today. We stopped for fast food on our way out of Vernon and then took the back roads back home again. We saw 8 deer on the way home but had people behind us so we were not able to stop for pictures. it was only 7:30 when we arrived home but everyone was pretty tired from all the fresh air. Showers for everyone and they were all in bed by 9 with Dean not far behind them. I stayed up later watching brothers and sisters and loading pictures to my flickr account then went to bed myself.

If you would like to see the full setof photos they can be found here.

Davison Orchards.

TTYS Opes

How I feel

2008-10-15T07:58:00.004-07:00

It is disheartening not to have comments on my blogs.

I have moved around because the programs have basically moved me to other places and this was my original blog so this is where I suppose home is.

My last blog done here I linked to on my other blogs and I know people have viewed that blog but yet there are no comments. Funny thing is I do the same thing. I read so many blogs that I don't have (make the) time to comment on every single one I read but I now realize how much it means for just a single comment to appear on the page.

I try to be witty, funny, introspective in my blogs but it seems that its the audience that I really am looking for. To know that someone at least finds it interesting.

Funny thing is I think we all look for this in out lives in all aspects not just in blogging.

It all comes down to motivation, recognition and reward. We talk about this at work all the time but I don't think I have ever put it into perspective at home.

What do we all want from our friends, family and co-workers?

To know we are;

listened to

trusted

appreciated

loved

recognized for our achievements

liked

respected

needed

valued

among other things.

At work we have been working on retention of our employees. Trying to determine how best to keep them from leaving the company. In our industry turn around is incredibly high and it is not a good thing in any job but a job such as ours which has months of paid training it is really not good.

On a survey done last year our biggest area of improvement was making our employees feel valued by all the things listed above. In the rush and hub bub of everyday life it is the humans who get pushed aside for the paperwork and deadlines and the cost is attrition.

Suddenly I am realizing it is also the cost when people don't comment on our blogs. We stop writing them because we believe people have stopped reading them.

I started my blogs for myself as much as for my family and friends. They are for my kids future so they can read about our life and about the things I did in my past that they would love to know about when they are my age. I started blogging to keep the family up to date because they are too busy to stop and find the time to call when it is convienient for everyone to talk.

Feeling valued has to come as much from within as it does from others.

I will keep writing this blog and I will even go so far as to promote it again to everyone because it is important to me and it may be important to those around me who have the time to read but not the time to comment.

I will also start commenting on all of yours because I have been reading them. I spend hours each day reading the blogs of my friends and family and I want you to know that you are valued. That I do love you and listen to you and I do appreciate that you are a part of my life.

TTYS Love Opes

Random thoughts

2008-10-13T21:52:00.005-07:00

Taking a page from my gf's blog I am making the decision to go with a single blog and to post more often with either random thoughts or maybe a story.

It is a tough choice to make since I have people reading my blog in many places, but updating 4 blogs never happens and writing one blog and putting it in 4 places seems a pointless waste of time. The fact is if you enjoy reading my blog you can add it as an RSS feed and read it from your favorite NewsReader.

So for tonight it is random thoughts as it has been a long day and I am watching TV while I type.

** Thanksgiving weekend in my neck of the woods this past weekend and we sure have a lot to be thankful for. We spent time with my mom, stepdad, Dean's mom and dad and our kids this weekend. The food was fantastic, the weather on Sunday was incredible and we always enjoy the long weekend off work and school.

** Dean is about to celebrate 3 years leukemia free. He already went for the final blood test and there was no call so the results were good but he refuses to celebrate until the end of the month. Figures he might jinx his good health if he does.

** We spent the night in a clear cut last weekend. We went 4x4ing and ended up high centered in due to deep ruts in the ground. The foliage around us was stunning as you can see in the picture. We didn't get stuck anywhere near here for if we had we would have been close to a ranchers house but alas we were way beyond this old homestead.

** It was pretty cold where we were with fresh snow about 1000ft above us. We lit a fire and did our best to stay warm until it was late enough to go to sleep. We slept in the truck. Four kids and Dean and I. It is now a family memory.

** Work changed my days off again so I am back to Sunday, Monday's off. I have enough holidays left that I may end up with 3 day weekends for most of the rest of the year if I chose to use them that way. Only problem with doing that is no one covers me if I am only gone a day. If I take a full week then I will have coverage.

** I have been promoted to a hunting widow. Dean got his PAL and CORE so hes becoming a hunting fool!. Only a few more week of open Buck season here so he will be going as often as he can.

** I will be working hard to clean out my storage unit over the next few months. They are raising the price yet again and I can't afford to keep paying the rising costs. I will be getting rid of all the double housing crap we have and reducing to only the stuff I need to keep in storage. Family heirlooms and stuff I just can't part with.

** Turkey, Brussel Sprouts, Carrots, Turnip, Stuffing and Potatoes makes for a very smell house when filled with boys who think farting is funny. Dean is the worst of them!

** Dean's birthday today. Happy Birthday Sweetheart. I am so blessed to have you in my life. Despite all the challenges that being a blended family throws at us I would still rather be here with you than anywhere else. You are the love of my life.

** The one year I decide not to buy school photos, Andrew has the best proofs I have seen in his 7 years of school. I will be buying his school photos.

** Toby Keith and Aaron Prichett in concert were awesome. The best concert I have been to in a very long time.

** My flowers finally took a frost. We haven't seen snow yet but it won't be long before we do so it is time to clean out the gardens. I am hoping for a nice afternoon this week in which to get it done.

** Have to consider the Christmas shopping soon. I think we have decided what the kids are getting from us and I am thinking annual passes to all the local attractions from the big guy. My thought is it will keep us busy if we have annual passes and don't need to have cash on hand to go to the zoo or to ride the historic rails.

** I have aquafit tonight. I don't think we have anything planned for Dean's day since he will be hunting so I don't see a good reason not to go. Unless he isn't home cause he "bags a deer"

** Doesn't "bagging a deer" sound like something totally perverted rather than something good that you want to brag about and take photos of.

** Don't get me started on the whole "Mounting its Head" guys have such sexual terms for hunting terminology.

** I need to dye my hair. Even my mother commented on the grey! I am thinking since he bought a gun I am going to book an afternoon in one of the fancy salons and have cut, colour and maybe even a perm done.

** I can't wait for my nap today!

** Dean just took the kids to school. He is such a sucker. LOL I make em walk in the cold the big babies. It is still above freezing and the excersise is good for them.

** Having 3 Teenagers might be the death of me.

** I better be ready to go when Dean gets back.

** That means I have to end this blog!

TTYS Love Opes

What motivates you?

2007-09-21T09:13:00.001-07:00

On September 14th, 2007 a team of 5 guys and a slew of helpers left the shores of Black Rock Beach in Halifax harbour – the official tire dip - to ride across Canada. H2V 9 days. 5 riders. 2 coasts. 1 goal. Cure Juvinille Diabetes. Almost 7000km riding 3-4 hr legs 24 hours a day through some of the most incredible countryside in the world. They will arrive in Kamloops in a few hours and the boys and I will be there to cheer them on. It is the least we can do.

Just 250km south of Kamloops another group of 26 riders starts on the annual Cops for Cancer Tour de Valley ride this morning. It is 700 km over 8 days with fundraising events in many of the cities along the way. These men and women do not ride 24hrs a day but they sure ride hard for the kids. This one is special to me and personal. My brother is this years team captian and it is his third year on the ride. He is the guy with the boy on his shoulders on the home page.

I don't know the whole personal story behind H2V. I do know that the daughter of one of the riders has diabetes and her dad promised to help find a cure. These are his words "I want the general public to understand the true cost of living with the disease, but mostly, I just want to keep my promise to my daughter: A cure for Juvenile Diabetes by the time she finishes high school in six years. I want to run a marathon with her. Sail around the world with her. I want her to be healthy, not just to have the appearance of health."

I do know the story behind Cops for Cancer Tour de Valley though. At least the one that is my brother's. Now before I tell you the story I want to tell, I want to let you know that I don't know how my brother got involved in Cops for Cancer, nor do I know his true initial motivators. My brother and I aren't the closest of siblings and we have communication difficulties as many adult siblings do. There are other factors in our relationship that may never be overcome but I will never let it be said that I am not proud of him or that I don't love him.

In April of 2005 my brother had just finished his shift as Constable for the police force he works with and was riding home. Part of his training for his first ride in September that year was to ride to and from work daily. He would ride at vehicle speed averaging 50km/h along side the usual rush hour traffic. On hills he would fall behind as he climbed at catch up again on the slopes. He had been doing this for months so it was routine. Today was no different, or so it appeared. He was riding a game of tag with a semi-truck. Not a game really but my brother managed to keep an average pace with the truck thanks to stop lights and such.

Eyewitness' on scene later said that my brother had been riding within the rules and that they were all aware of his presence in their vacinity. Well all except the truck he ended up underneath. The trucker pulled a right hand turn with my brother coming up hard on his right side. My brother ended up under the rig's wheels and was dragged a fair distance before the truck finally came to a stop. My brother was very lucky to be alive and wouldn't have been had it not been for the pedal of the bike being caught in a position that saved his head from being crushed. He did however lose his pinky finger and the use of his ring finger on his right hand. After a few weeks in hospital he started to recover but not before a number of surgeries to fix the hand as best as possible with reconstructive surgery and skin grafts. Two years later he is still working on recovery and the Dr's said he will be for the rest of his life.

Many people would have been scared off by this. Not my little brother. He overcame the odds coming into the world 2 months early and he wasn't going to let the accident slow him down. He was back on the bike as soon as the Dr would allow it. Wait let me rephrase that... as soon as his wife would allow him! He put everything into trainging determined to be ready for the ride in September... and he was. I talked to him not long after that first ride and it brought tears to his eyes to talk about it. He said it was an experience and something so spiritual that it was hard to describe in words.

That was 2 years ago and this year he rides again but this year he rides as captian of the team. I had hoped that this year I could be there to support him on part of the ride but it won't be possible due to work and life responsibility.

I wanted to write this blog today to talk about motivation but I think the above links cover it better than I ever can.

Thank you to all the people who have more motivation than I do. Who take on these kinds of events that have far too little recognition. Thank you from all the kids, the familes and me.

He's my everything

2007-09-04T23:40:00.000-07:00

It has been almost 2 years since Dean and I moved in together. Our relationship has evolved in many ways since that day. I think if either of us knew what was in store we might have run scared but together we have faced all the challanges and overcome the worst of it. We have settled into a great routine both with our kids and ourselves. We are comfortable and relaxed amongst each other. Tranquility in the chaos. We aren't perfect and never will be, but we have made something of this relationship that started with an IM. We have overcome adversity and the forces that tried to seperate us and we have become a family.

I couldn't have imagined with that first IM that I sent him that my life would be where it is today. I wasn't looking when I foind him instead I was enjoying the banter of a smart-ass in a room full of idiots. I messaged him and thold him what I thought and the rest as they say is history. I fell in love, he fell in love, we both tried hard to avoid the inevitable because of our individual situations but it wasn't possible. Fate brought us together, used us as pawns in a romance novel.

I love Dean more than words. I have committed my life to him and our kids because I believe in him and all that he believes in. We are comfortable together, be it sitting across the room from eacy other or side by side holding hands while watching sitcoms. We read each other well and feed off each other both for pleasure and torture. We fight violently, not physically. We forgive easily and without holding a grudge.

I love him. So simple yet so complex.

He is my soulmate, my partner for eternity.

He is my everything.

Soul to Soul II 2007

2007-08-11T14:20:00.000-07:00

In June, Dean and I took a weekend away and went to see Tim and Faith in concert. We asked my mom to watch the Daniel and Andrew and they arranged for us to stay with them at a resort in Birch Bay so they could keep the kids busy while we made the run back and forth to Vancouver. This worked out perfect and Friday night we arrived at the resort about 9pm. The place was perfect with a king bed in one room, two singles in another and a murphy bed in the living room we were all set.

Saturday morning we walked the beach with the boys after breakfast and then drove around the area looking at houses and cabins we wish we could afford. We headed to the concert around 4pm knowing we might hit traffic delays at the border. We had decided to park near the cancer lodge where Dean stayed for treatments and to cab it to the stadium. this turned out to be a grea choice saving us the hassle of downtown traffic for almost the same cost as parking downtown.

The concert was incredible and as anyone who has had the chance to see this concert knows it was worth every dime we paid just to see the stage and light show. After the show we drove back down to the states and spent Sunday morning relaxing and visiting before making the trip for home.

I promised Coop some pictures and because of life being busy I hadn't had time to post them so here ya go Coops. They aren't great but they are better than nuthin.

Sunflowers

2007-07-28T23:53:00.000-07:00

Aren't they pretty!

I planted Sunflowers this year for the sole purpose of frustrating Dean! LOL You see he doesn't like them. Thinks they are ugly. I love them and think they are beautiful. They are already wilting and I am unsure if they will seed the way they should as I have never planted them before. I actually planted 4 varieties but they didn't all take. These guys are huge. Most of the stalks are 6-8ft tall and there are two that must be close to 10 feet.

I will plant them again but not in the same spot. They are so big they killed all the other plants in the same garden!

I am busy planning next years gardens already. I really want to do some drastic changes so I am hoping to get an early start this year when the flowers begin to die. This years garden didn't do so well because we had so much heat early on and then too much water then back to the heat. It doesn't look near as good as last years did. I wish I had room to house some of them indoors for the winter but our place is just not big enough so I will have to sacrifice some of the plants I would normally be able to winter underground.

We went to Walmart tonight and they had their spring bulb on sale cheap so I bought a bunch for next spring. Those I can winter easily enough. I will be purchasing my fall bulbs soon. This year I hope to do some cluster groupings instead of the chaos I normally have. We will be digging out the side garden before fall too so I can put all new dirt in there. Damn cats and ants have just made a disgusting mess of the dirt. I will also be looking to change the shape of the garden to better use the area.

I love to garden and love the result of the hard work. I also think it makes the yard more inviting. Dean and I usually spend out evenings indoors but I know from experience that if I have put in the work then I enjoy sitting outside in the evenings watching the bugs flit amongst the blooms.

It is a labour of love.

Helmcken Falls

2007-07-14T14:28:00.000-07:00

Helmcken Falls is Canada's fourth highest waterfall, and one of its best-kept secrets. Plunging 141 metres in a straight drop, this waterfall is about three times higher than Niagara Falls! But while Niagara is plagued with gift shops and tourists, on a quiet day you might arrive at the modest viewing platform for Helmcken Falls and find nobody else there.
This is where we went Saturday. Around 11am we jumped in the car and drove the 125m (200km) to Wells Gray Park. The 5000 square kilometer park is home to some of our provinces most beautiful country. The road into the falls is mostly paved and the gravel road is kept smooth and free of pot holes so it was a beautiful trip. We couldn't have asked for a more beautiful day. The weather was incredible with the sun shining high in the sky and although we thought it would be a bit cooler in the Rocky Mountain range boy were we wrong. It was about 38c (100f) at the falls.
We got out of the van and walked no more than a city block to the lookout for the falls. Keygan was scared to death but braved the fear and walked out to the fence. Dean picked him up and scared the crap out of him once again. As he was hollerin "daddy put me down" Dean held him up to see how far down it was to the bottom… about 250 feet. I was a picture snapping fool taking pics from every angle. The view is gorgeous both left and right.
We walked away from the falls down river along the fence. This area is all deeply forested and you really need to watch your foot steps so you don’t trip or fall on the roots and rocks on the forest floor. I become anxious in territory like this when the kids are with us. I fear them taking a wrong step and tripping onto a rock and hurting themselves or worse yet stumbling and falling over the ledges. The fence doesn’t run all that far and before long we were on free trail. Robert and Alysia like to walk ahead if they can so I usually end up fending off the bears by shouting at them not to get to far ahead of us.
Dean and I took turns with the camera and at one point I walked to the edge of two rocks on the ledge knelt down and started snapping photos. I decided to take one straight down the wall I was sitting on and that is when I realized the two rocks I had my full weight on were jutted out over the edge and the wall was actually behind me. I panicked and told Dean to grab the camera, and then I told him to come grab me I was paralyzed with fear. I hate ledges. I can climb any rack face, I just can’t be at the top ledge and look down. I freak out getting off a roof for crying out loud.
The temperature at the peak was much hotter than it had been in town. We figured being that far above sea level it would be cooler. Boy were we wrong. At points along the hike it was like walking through walls of fire it was so hot. About 25 min into the hike I told Dean I couldn’t go any further. That kind of heat doesn’t serve me well. We turned around and walked back to the van and decided to head to a spot my gf at work told me about. Baileys Chute
Along the way we stopped at a pull out near the river and Dean went to see if we could walk down to it. It was a steep walk in soft sand so he decided it best we not try to venture it. He did take a hand towel down and dip it in the river for me so I could cool off with it. I was so glad he did too cause it wasn’t long before I was feeling the effects of heat exhaustion. We ventured further and arrived at Baileys and got out of the van. Now let me tell you why we didn’t make it to the chute…
HORSEFLIES
Them furkers were swarming the van and they were huge. I swear they were no less than an inch long and they were HUNGRY. Swatting at them was pointless and we all looked like jesters trying to keep them away from us. Just as I suggested to Dean that we head back to the van to escape them we heard a clap of thunder! Standing amongst the timbers that were 30-40 feet tall was not where we wanted to be to be damned sure. We dang near ran to the van, doing our best not to let the horseflies into the van as we all climbed back into the oven we were driving in.
We headed back to Clearwater as we needed to be home to drop Keygan off around 6pm. On our way our we saw a deer and drove past a dead black bear on the side of the road, a reminder that we were mere visitors among nature’s home.
The drive home was as eventful as it was beautiful. The kids, tired and hungry, talked the whole way home while I drifted in and out of a nap. I wasn’t feeling well the first 30 min or so. Once I cooled off I was fine. The drive home runs along the North Thompson River and it is God’s artwork to be sure. Raging waters stirred by under current. Glacier fed and gorgeous it invites you to jump in and cool off. Too cold even this time of year for a leisurely swim. On and off we were pelted by rain drops that did little more than raise the humidity of the air around us. Lightening and thunder just on the horizon but never in our path. The debris from the storm the night before littering the highway.
We stopped at the fruit stand in McClure bought the kids some freezes and me some fresh cherry tomatoes and we headed for home. We dropped Andrew and Keygan off at Keygan’s mom’s for the night and we headed up to Wal-Mart. Dean needed new shorts and I wanted to buy some new pants. We grabbed a quick bite at McDonald’s, did our shopping and got home around 10pm. The 2 older kids went to bed and just as they dozed off a storm hit.
Dean and I turned off the PC’s and went to sit on the deck and watch the show. Lightening is not a good thing here when there is no rain but it sure is cool to watch. I don’t know how many fires were started but we saw over 30 strikes of sheet and bolt lightening. The helicopters and water bombers were up and flying hard today to be sure.
Around midnight I was done for the day. Falling asleep on the deck I decided I best get myself to bed. Dean wasn’t long after and we both slept solid ‘til the alarm went this morning to tell me I needed to get to work.
It was a great day.

Vulnerable

2007-06-14T14:27:00.000-07:00

so its been just over a year since my surgery and i need to face the fact that i am not who i used to be mentally. i was a stable person who held things together, could vent without crying, and who could see every side of every situation.
fast forward 14 months and i would like to introduce you to the new me.
my name is susan. i am thirty six years old. i have 3 children, 2 pseudo step-children and one pseudo step, step-child. i live with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. i work for a financial services provider. i live in a trailer with an addition built onto it in april of last year i had an emergency hysterectomy that saved my life. the hot flashes started not long after the recovery began. the mood swings started with a few tears. Then a few more tears, and a year later its water works all the damn time. i cry when i'm sad, i when i'm angry, i when i'm confused. the kiddos and bf don't know what to expect anymore .
can you blame them? when living with someone whose emotions range from and back again in any given how how are they supposed to cope.
i am not coping very well either to be honest. i hate feeling this way and i hate being this person. i can't draw from my mother's handling of the situation because she never showed signs of this after her surgery. i however am suffering like the devil with symptoms especially the mood swings. i know dean will love seeing this in print cause it means i am admitting it finally. hes been egging me on about it for a year and finally i have to admit he is right.
the last few weeks i have been feeling the down swing of the emotions and have even considered going to the dr about some anti-depressants but i don't know if that is a step i really want to take. i might try some vitamins and health foods first. anyway the point is im feeling very vulnerable in my relationship. a couple of you will understand my fears and my crap that goes with it and the rest won't cause i haven't wanted to talk it out.
point is i am reading into things that aren't there. i am insecure about the things i should have a deep sense of security about. i fear that my relationship is being put in jepoardy because i assume things and read into actions and in the harsh reality of daylight i realize this is stupid. sure there are little things little actions that i need to learn to trust and believe are nothing more than what they really are. i need to learn to talk without crying. i need to learn to cry without talking.
i live with a really incredible guy. he actually seems to understand that although he can't understand what im going through its not me but the hormones that control my insecurities and control my emotional outbursts. tonight he made better all that had been bugging me all day long just by spending a couple minutes holding me. he didn't ask what was wrong, he didn't ask what he could to do make it better. instead he just held me and let me be secure in his arms.
those of you who knew where my mind was rest assured im ok and things are alright. i over-react and thats why i don't share much anymore. i never know if im being rational or logical til the end of the day.
today sucked. i let my crap get to me. tonight life is good and as my bf plays games on pogo with his friends i know that when i go to bed tonight he will be beside me where he wants to be and he will hold me while i drift off to sleep with the salt of my drying tears on his shoulder.
menopause sucks but my life is good even on the bad days.

So Much Like His Mom

2007-06-02T14:24:00.000-07:00

It amazes me how watching my children reminds me of my own childhood. It is seldom that I take the time to just watch them be. Life gets in the way and becomes a rush of get here, go there, do this, put away that and the innocence of childhood is lost in the chaos.
Daniel was drawing this morning and for some reason it reminded me of when I tried to be an aspiring artist when I was his age. Now please keep in mind I can’t draw to save my life and still can’t. I thought I could though. I would draw pathetic cats and dogs. Fruit looked like rotten and plants wilted when I attempted to put them to paper. To this day I have a couple of the pictures that didn’t turn out too badly but for the most part I hope my mother burned the rest.
In contrast to this I could paint when I was a child.. At least my teacher made me believe I could. My art used to end up in local expositions. I don’t know if my mother has any of those left although I doubt she does. I would paint ghastly dresses and gowns that were full of colour and flair. I would paint lace on the sleeves and necklines. Graced with appalling ribbons and bows the paintings were to my teacher works of art. Mrs B boosted my ego and self esteem with those paintings. She praised me for them and entered them in local contests and shows. I was proud of them although I don’t think they ever won ribbons or anything of that nature.
I remember that teacher fondly although her name escapes me I know it started with a B until she got married mid year. She was insistent we learn to draw a straight line without a ruler, one of the girls in the class was always the best at this little task. Not me I still can’t draw a straight line without a ruler. She let us have class out in the schoolyard on sunny days. We would all gather up paper and pencils to go sit under the mighty oaks in the playground. The Indian summers of late September early October allowed us to sit in the grass and enjoy the fresh air. Ms B would hand us a piece of paper with a list of local bugs, leaves and plants on it and it became a treasure hunt. We didn’t know we were learning we thought we were cutting out of class for some fun.
I was in grade 3 that year and my parents had been separated just over a year. I didn’t know where I fit into the scheme that is life and this teacher tried really hard to show me I was loved and special in my own way. It was very unusual to come from a "broken" home back then although I didn’t understand the ramifications of all of that. I knew I saw my dad every other weekend and it was what it was. Not until I was much older did I realize what it all meant. I was picked on all through grade school for being different. I was bullied and called names that still bruise my heart to this day. I had been in the school for a year before getting this teacher who made such a huge impact on my life.
Daniel is having the same kind of issues at school. He is so much like his mother it hurts to see him go through the things I did. He has made leaps and bounds this year in maturity though there are moments when he slips. He doesn’t make friends easily and when he does make friends I know they are the kinds of friends that will use him for what they can and then they will leave him with hurt feelings and a bruised heart. He a sensitive kid who tries hard to make friends by being funny which makes other people see him as a goof or class clown.
He is so much like his mother trying to fit in not knowing where he belongs.

Let's Face it I am a Romantic

2007-02-26T14:23:00.000-08:00

this should be an interesting blog... i asked dean to pick a topic and this is what he picked. it is 10pm on saturday night and he is watching ufc wrestling knockouts. its really not my thing but i have the laptop so it's keeping him entertained.
so hockey it is... i can't remember watching hockey as a kid in fact i don't think i ever saw a game til the year curt and i got together. thats a huge statement considering im a canadian and grew up in the same city that the vancouver canucks still play in. my parents weren't into watching team sports. my weekends were filled with racing, both live on the tracks ,and on the television. dad raced on the same track as guys like bobby rahal, danny sullivan and the great gilles villeneuve. in fact the day i was born my dad was heading to california for a race and almost missed my entrance into the world. i knew the names of all the formula 1 racers better than i knew our provinces. andretti, fitipaldi, mansell, rosberg, shumacher were like heroes to me growing up they were household names. we watched nascar too but not with the same veracity.
these days i can name a few hockey players. curt and his family are all avid watchers of the sport so over the years i came to understand the game but never learned to like it much. curt and i attended a couple games when we were first married and they were lots fo fun to go to but watching it on tv just never had the same appeal. i finially got into the game during the 2002 winter olympics when both the men and women of canada kicked the hides of our american counterparts to come home with both gold medals. olympic hockey is fast paced and is not filled with the politics of the nhl unless of course you include the gambling habits of gretsky's wife.
having boys i knew that one or all of them might get involved in hockey but i was adamant i wasn't going to be the one taking them to the rink at 4am. turns out i was right, robert, our oldest decided that hockey was to be his sport of choice. i managed to maintain my status on early morning ice times and let his father play the part of hockey dad. even the afternoon games i could find good reason not to attend. i love my son dearly and i went to every game he asked me to go to but he didn't ask me to attend many cause he knew how i felt about the game. i think he also know how i felt about the bigger, faster boys nailing my baby into the boards. the few games i went to it was really all i could to to watch my boy get tossed like a rag doll on skates by the opposing team. i really didn't like going and would cringe everytime he got hit. he loved it though and hockey was all he talked about the 2 years he played. dean's youngest wants to play and again i will take a stand on not doing morning ice times.
dean and his family are hockey nuts. they love the game and watch every double header on hockey night in canada like it was sunday's wonderful world of disney when i was a kid. i watch with them and have learned to tolerate the game. what i like most about these nights is listening to them talk about the history of hockey and the players that dean grew up watching. it is obvious that hockey was a family event in thier house and it always seems to bring the family together when hockey is on. they are baseball fans too and do the same thing during the ball season. as the two seasons almost overlap each other it means that there is always family time to be had in our house and thiers.
what brings your family together?

Missing you

2007-02-07T14:20:00.000-08:00

you left this morning at 10:30 and by lunch time i was missing you. i walked out of the building at 12:30 hoping to see you there waiting to say goodbye before you hit the road. i knew in my heart you wouldn't be but i had hoped for one last gentle kiss as you drove off.
driving home tonight talking to you on the phone i could hear the stress in your voice over the troubles with the vehicle but it was still so good to know you arrived safely and that you didn't have trouble with the weather in the mountains.
arriving home to the chaos the kids put your mom through made me wish you were home even more. i had a rough day and not being able to get my evening hug was a downer. i went through the motions of dinner and getting the kids ready for school tomorrow and then got them into bed. the house was so quiet even with the tv on. i miss your laughter and goofy antics.
i tried to call but your phone was off. i figured you were out having dinner or maybe just taking some time to drive around the city or walk the streets stretching your legs after a long walk. i was dissapointed that i couldn't reach you but glad that you were getting some time to yourself you have desperately needed that lately.
you called me not long after and though our conversation was brief it was still wonderful to be able to tell you how much i love you and miss you. i don't like being away from you and we have spent far too much time apart since we got together.
i know tonight you are battling deamons being back where you hoped never to return. i wish i could be by your side tomorrow when the dr congratulates you on over a year of remission. i hope you can gain a bit of confidence that you have beat this disease and your chances of it never returning increase each and every day.
i love you so much sweetheart and wish there were some way i could really show you just what it is that you mean to me. each night when i lay down to sleep i thank god that he brought us together as a couple and as best friends. you have changed my life and in turn i have changed and become a better person because of those changes.
sleep sweet i will talk to you tomorrow.
I LOVE YOU DEAN MORE THAN WORDS
EPOMLEPOY

Time for some Counselling

2007-01-27T14:18:00.000-08:00

see that boy up there. ^ that is my baby. hes not the oldest or the youngest. he is my middle child and he is the one who is unlike the others.
dan has been giving us a lot of trouble lately but before i tell you what he's done wrong i want to tell you about the child.
born 9/11/95 ... 9lbs7oz... he came into the world in a hurry. the doctor was inducing labour monday morning at 9am and dan was born monday morning at 7:47am after only 3hrs of labour. right from day one things were going to be on his terms not anyone elses.
he was a good baby. never wanted for anything and was happy to be in the wind-up swing or infant car seat where he could watch the world. he crawled and walked early and since then we have been trying to keep up to him.
dan's personality is not only different from his brothers is its different period. he is a very tender child who is easily hurt. his self-esteem is lower than i would like it to be and he internalizes more than he externalizes. dan is a goofy kid and loves to make others laugh even if how he does it isn't always appropriate. if even one person laughs he has an audience and the acting continues. hes the kid who comes home from school and tells us the jokes he's heard even though they usually result in a don't ever say that again reply from us. dan is as feminine as he is masculine and there if he decides that he will follow a homosexual lifestyle i wouldn't be the least surprised or dissapointed. i will support him no matter what.
dan doesn't make friends easily in fact he doesn't have friends outside of school at all. a teacher once told me he is a wise old soul in a young mans body and other children can't relate to him or his humour. i believe that is the best explanation anyone could give of my middle child.
as dan's mother i want what all mother's want for thier children. i want him to grow up happy and healthy. i want to protect him from the evils of the world and even at times from himself. i want everyone to like him and show him respect and courtesy. i want him to be popular and the top of his class. i want only the best for him.
dan has been having some issues. issues a lot of kids have. issues that are classic for a middle child. issues all parents hope they never see in thier own kids but when they do they usually find out all parents have been through degrees of the same issues.
the lying and stealing started not long after his dad and i split up dan was 9. the first time i realized the stealing was after a shopping trip when he stole a cadbury easter cream egg. we had a long chat about stealing and how and why it was wrong. i said all the things i was supposed to say he said all the things he was supposed to say and we moved on. the lying was not as easily dealt with. he would like about having taken a cookie or a chocolate when he wasn't supposed to. he promised not to do it again but the next time a cookie was missing i would ask who had eaten it and the answer was always "not me". i kept working with him and things did get better he saw that honesty was better and that taking a cookie and owning up to it didn't get him in nearly as much trouble.
dan also has a long slow burning temper. rarely do we see him angry but when we start to see signs of anger we know that the only thing that will bring him back to calm is a temper tantrum. i have tried to extinguish his temper a few times but experience has taught me that it doesn't help that he just closes up until he can't keep it contained anymore. in the past when this has happened he has lashed out at adults who are close to him and who have some experience in handling these types of outbursts.
last week dan found a watch in the ice at school and rather than turning it into the office he brought it home. when i noticed on saturday that he was wearing a watch that wasn't his i asked where it came from and he said his friend had given it to him. i hate to admit it but i couldn't believe him. after a long weekend advising him that he had til tuesday when school went back to provide the truth before we confronted the boy at school about it, dan finally came clean tuesday morning in the school hallway. he figured we wouldn't believe him if he told the truth... guess what... we didn't believe the lie even more. we returned the watch to the school lost and found. tuesday night we had a long talk about what had happened and i could tell its wasn't settled but it was a beginning.
the anger was coming i could see it but i couldn't do anything about it yet it cause i couldn't get him to pinpoint the emotion.
it blew up yesterday!
he got in a fight at school with a boy two years younger than him. the boy started something then walked away and dan escalated it by following after the boy and when the boy threatened to hit dan, dan hit the boy. it got worse when the teacher was trying to talk to dan, dan turned and tried to walk away and the teacher grabbed his jacket from the back dan turned and tried to get away and in doing so hit the teacher in the face with his crazy carpet. the principal stepping in asked what had happened and dan proceeded to lie about the whole thing. just not good at all.
dean got the call and was very angry as expected. i talked to dean only a few minutes after he had picked dan up who has been suspended for 2 days. i had to finish my day at work and come home to try and figure out what was next.
when i got home i was far to upset to deal with dan so i decided to leave it for today. we talked this morning and dan seems much calmer and more composed and to be honest so is his mother. i have a great benefits program at work so counselling is paid for if we need it and i think dan needs it. to show dan that counselling isn't a bad thing i will be getting my own counsellor since having some place to vent will benefit me too.
ok thats it for now. i will try and catch ya all up soon just been in a whole other mental place and haven't felt much like bloggin.
hugs ya all.

Hockey

2007-01-10T14:22:00.000-08:00

Sleepless nights

2007-01-08T14:21:00.000-08:00

when i lived close to the ocean i used to sit at my front window on sleepless nights and watch the tug boats move the gravel barges into position so the converyers could spill the earth onto them. the lights from the island across the straight would twinkle on the clear nights. the ocean breeze moving the windchimes hanging from the neighbours eaves. the sound from them was always calming no matter how violent the winds. waves would crash against the breakwater that sheltered the beach below the houses across the street. if the wind was blowing just right the smell of salt air would drift through our drafty house reminding me of the time i spent on the beach as a child.
last night was a sleepless one. i longed to be on the beach watching the waves roll onto the shore washing away the stress of the sand. i wanted to watch the work of a child's mind slip away one grain at a time as the water lapped over it. i wanted to watch a strand of seaweed roll with the white foam as it struggled to find a place to rest. i wanted to feel the sea breeze moisten my exposed skin as i smell salt air.
tonight i hope to dream of the ocean.
sweet dreams

The Hill

2007-01-05T14:19:00.000-08:00

the other night we went for a drive to look at christmas lights. going for a drive is something we like to do as a family. we load into the van and off we go. this night was much like the others as we drove along icy side streets looking at the beauty of lights in many colours bliking and twinkling in the snow. we passed a large hill where some teens were sliding. this hill wasn't a really safe place for the kids to play because the bottom of the hill was the main roadway but the kids were having fun just the same.
as we continued to drive i got to thinking about the hill that we used to play on when i was a kid. when i was 10 we moved to a townhouse complex in coquitlam bc. the town house units were made up of row houses four to a row. we lived in one of the middle houses in the first row at the top of the hill. the hill was actually an access road to the complex below ours. everyone knew that there were kids that played on the big hill so they were always careful to drive safe speeds up and down the hill.
i remember sliding down that hill in the winter times when we got a rare snowfall. in fact the hill would get so icy in the winter that people didn't use it because there were other safer routes to take. we didn't have gt's or sleds and usually our toboggans were made of whatever we could find that we could slide on. it might be a black garbage bag or an old scrap of linoleum or even old pieces of carpet (they slide great on ice) we would bundle up in snow suits, mitts, scarves and touques and we would spend hours outside in the chilly weather.
if i walked down the hill about 2 city blocks i would arrive at the street where all my friends lived. we seldom played inside each others houses because the streets of this subdivision were so full of kids that we couldn't all go in one persons house at any one time.
my gf lisa lived in the duplex on the corner. she was from malaysia and her parents spoiled ehr and her two sisters rotten. lisa was fashion crazy and was the girl who had all the teen romance novels in sequntial order from 1-100 and they were on her book shelf in order.
gulia was from a big italian family and she lived in the biggest house on the block. her's was the house with every new fangled gadget in it that the rest of us wished we could afford. she had the atari as soon as it came out and was the only house on the block with an automatic garage door. (how times have changed) she had a dishwasher and microwave when our mothers only dreamed of having them. she even had a tv in her own bedroom!
benita was born in canada. the rest of her family including her sisters were from india. i loved going to her house for dinner for traditional dinners made by her mom. her dad was a short little guy with a great sense of humour. benita's sisters were gehita and anita and they were the most beautiful girls i had ever seen. both were in university and were always studying. i remember benita's mom always shooing us girls outside so the sisters could study.
debbie was a year older than the rest of us and became a trouble maker in high school from what i heard but when we were pre-teens she and i used to go to the mall on saturdays to watch movies and spend our allowance on candy and clothes.
boys were just beginning to be a big part of our lives back then and there were more than a few that lived in the subdivision that caught our eyes. joe was the boy i wanted for my first boyfriend. he didn't know i exsisted because shilo was all he thought of. she was his girlfriend for about 3 years before he finally noticed me when i was 13. too late for him since i had moved to a new city by then and had found other boys who caught my fancy.
when i was 11 all us girls got roller skates right around the time when school let out. that hill was great for skating down to see my friends. the skate home was much more difficult since the grade on the hill had to be about 6%. we didn't care though we were kids and no hill was too steep. in fact we didn't even have to use the hill to get to each others houses. there was a path we could take through an empty lot. the lot was left empty on purpose when the builders planned the complex i lived in. there was two of these lots that they left full of trees and natural brush. we spent hours hiding and playing in these lots. the one lot even had an old deadwood trunk that we used as a bench seat, we used to cut through that lot on our way home from school everyday. i remember the boys sneaking smokes, beer and kisses in that empty lot.
we only lived in that house for 3 years but i love the childhood memories i have of that time. when i moved back to vancouver the apartment i rented was only about 10 min from this area. the house we lived in was still there and hadn't changed much. the area however has totally grown up. the forest across the street is now full of houses and a church that they were building when we moved away. dean and i spent some time driving through the area when he was there and i couldn't believe how little forest was left.
the hill is still there , but i bet the kids can't play on it like i did when i was a kid.

The Irony of Life and Death

2006-12-30T14:17:00.000-08:00

Two deaths in as many days. My family friend did not survive his heart attack and passed last evening. I have shed too many tears this holiday season and when I go to the service I will shed more I am sure.
Allan was the family friend. A man of scottish decent and accent who was so full of love and laughter that you could not help but laugh when you were around him. It will be odd going to the service in many ways as Curt and I are no longer a couple but we will travel there together to save fuel costs. Curt will drive right past here to get there so we decided travelling together is the most reasonable thing to do. My mom will probably attend the service as she knew the family almost as long as I did. In case you didn't know my mom and mother in law attended elementary school together so my husbands family was a part of my life long before we were married or dating. This will be the first time Curt and I will attend a "family" gathering since we seperated. I don't know how he feels about it but I have a feeling it will be strange for everyone else to see us "together" when we aren't. Oh well! They will see we are good friends and have maintained that since the seperation.
My mentor, Dale, did not want a service though it is still up in the air as his kids do want one. I understand not spending thousands of dollars on funeral services but I hope they decide to at least have a gathering of rememberance for him as he was loved by so many and sometimes that is what people need for closure. It may be decided to have a gathering in the summer or even next year so that all of us who cared and loved him can get together and remember the good times we shared with him. Dale was my team-lead at Radio Shack, he was the man who helped me to be as good as I was when I was a manager. He was integral in showing me right from wrong, quick vs difficult, and he taught me that the corporate world, no matter how challanging, was a good place to be. Dale and his partner Joan, became my friends. I could talk to either of them for hours on end about life, work, kids, marraige, anything at all. They supported my move to Vancouver and encouraged me to take the promotion that changed my life. Straight forward and to the point was Dale's way and though I didn't always want to hear what he had to say he was never afraid of saying it.
Dale was maybe 5ft tall but to hear his voice and not see him you would have thought him 6ft tall and bullet proof. He was gruff and even grumpy more than he was ever friendly and smiling. He knew he rubbed some people the wrong way but he didn't care because he knew those who cared about him were many and they believed in the same things he did. He was never afraid to do what he felt was right even if it caused a fall out of trouble. In fact many of the people we worked with thought of him as Dale Ryder the sh*t distruber, little did they know he was exactly that when that was exactly what the situation called for.
Dale treated me like a daughter, not only just a co-worker, and he reminded me that I deserved the good in life whether I thought I did or not. He knew that my taking a promotion would probably mean the end of my marraige (not solely for that reason I must add) but he encouraged me to take the next step because he felt it was worth it and that I would survive whatever the results. At conventions in Toronto, Dale was the guy who always leaned over and said cut loose and have fun I will make sure your safe in your room at the end of the night. Dale knew he was sick at the last convention we attended together and the last night after everyone else went to bed he and I and Frank and Brad sat around the nearly empty bar for about 4 hours and just talked about work, life, death and where things were headed with all of us. I went back to my room that night knowing that an era was ending and a new one beginning and sure as the rose the next morning neither Dale nor I ever attended another convention. I left the company 6 months agfter taking my promotion Dale was put on long term medical status and never worked again.
My phone rang this morning with good news for a change. One of the girls I used to work with had her baby yesterday morning. A little boy born at 3:09am 7lbs 13oz. She had 2 miscarraiges prior to carrying to full term this little miracle. They named him Ryder.
The irony of life and death.
Rest in Peace Allan and Dale... Welcome to a new life Ryder.

A Good Cry

2006-12-28T14:13:00.000-08:00

it has been coming for a while now and arrived on boxing day when the phone rang late and the caller on the other end was a voice that could only mean the death of my mentor and friend. it was true he was gone and racking sobs took me over through most of the night.
i took the 27th off work and slept half the day away before sending the middle 3 off to a movie. dean stayed with the youngest while i took the oldest shopping for a couple hours. i spent some money on me for a change and bought some much needed clothing.
i went back to work today and did my best to keep it all together and put on a happy face for those i work with. it wasn't easy the hurt is very raw. i came home to more bad news. a family friend of almost 25 years had a massive heart attack last night and isn't expected to live. my ex-husband's aunt has been diagnosed with lung cancer and the prognosis isn't good. my mom is having some health issues that could be a major problem yet she blows it off like it's nothing almost forgetting her husband almost died from the same symptoms a few short years ago.
a mother's son lies in hospital yet again and his life hangs in the balance. he is a young boy and should have a chance to live a long healthy life. yet he suffers repeatedly from an angry condition that leaves him struggling for breath. his mother, my friend, sits beside his bed hour after hour trying to be strong for him in case he needs her.
a humanitarian tries to keep her health to herself yet i know her better and even though i haven't been able to talk with her as often as i would like i can feel that she is not well. i read in her words few that they are the pain that lies within her heart, mind and body.
i am left with the realization that life goes on around us. death doesn't stop anything but the person who dies. the clock still ticks. dinner still needs to be made and the kids will make as much noise after the news comes in as they did before the phone rang. illness doesn't make the world stand still. we must continue to go to work and attend meetings we wish we didn't have to go to. even tears don't make it all stop or go away.
i am so very tired of all the sadness that life has been bringing to my family and myself as of late. i just want to curl into a fetal ball and cry till there are no tears left but what good will it do. i want to let my rage loose and break something made of a fragile material just to hear it break and shatter like my heart does each time i get more bad news, but what good with it do. i want to sleep for days and let my dreams overcome my recent nightmares until my mind is clear of all its irrational fears and worries.
will this year ever end? will 2007 bring health and peace?
i hope so.

For Granted?

2006-10-24T14:09:00.000-07:00

It is so easy to take life for granted. To spend every day forgetting that we have been given a huge gift just by being a part of this life. How often do you hear people, myself included, complaining about the work, the chores, the meals, the laundry and the bills? Daily I am sure because I hear myself complaining about these things all the time. How often do you hear people, myself included, praising our children, our partners and spouses, taking time to look at all we have and being thankful that we have it? Not nearly as often because I myself forget to be thankful for all I have.
Dean will have surgery tomorrow to fix yet another herniated disc in his back. L5 if that helps any of you understand the pain he has been in. I have seen the pain and tears first hand and it has not been easy to watch. Even his Dr. commented that if he was in hospital of his own free will he must be in bad shape. The specialist put him on the emergency list for surgery today and when the nurse last checked there was 3 ahead of him on the wait list so it will be morning before he has surgery.
On my way home from visiting him tonight I couldn’t help but think about all I have in this life that I take for granted. In the last two years I have been through a lot physically and emotionally and many of you tell me you are amazed by my strength. I don’t think it is above normal though and if each of you were given the same situations I believe you would stand up in the face of adversity and come out just as I have. I have put my best foot forward and fought back against the things that have tried to drag me down. I don’t always keep it together and if I let myself sit and think about it all I become overwhelmed and fall apart. Dean is always the one who is there to put me back together and even this latest episode it has been him who has told me its all going to be ok. I am not really handling the stress I am just letting it wash over me like a drenching rain knowing that it won’t last forever because soon the sun will have to reappear and dry it all out.
A friend said to me tonight that it proves how committed to each other we are that we have withstood so many challenges but continue to grow. We conquered a long distance relationship, the struggles of leukemia treatments that kept us apart even longer than we anticipated. We lived apart and alone while our children were with their other parents while Dean did treatments. We survived the financial burdens of Dean being out of work for 9 months only to have me end up in hospital and out of work for 3½ months only days later. We have blended together two very different families with two very different backgrounds and no one has committed a federal crime. (yet) Maybe she should have been thinking that we should be committed instead. LOL
We make a pretty incredible family. Sure we fight and scrap about little and big things but we are here for each other. The kids act like siblings and react to both Dean and I as if we were both their parents. It makes me feel proud that we have been able to make a family from all the chaos that was our lives before we met. Dean has two ex-wives one of whom we get along with very well in fact so well that we share childcare when either of us needs that extra helping hand. The other ex-wife isn’t worth mentioning but with a little luck and a few more years Alysia will see the light of that situation. My ex is still a huge part of our lives too not only because my oldest lives with him and the other two with us but because we were able to maintain a friendship throughout the separation.
My life changed dramatically the day I met Dean and his kids. I found an inner peace and happiness I had always been searching for. I tried to find it before and I thought I had found it when I married but as much love as I put towards my husband and kids I didn’t feel the love for myself that I need to feel to be healthy and happy. I have that now and I will be damned if I will let ill health or struggles get me down for more than a moment or two. I don’t know how to describe how I feel inside when I think of all the things life has given me, given us in the last year aside from all the troubles.
Dean and I communicate in the strangest of ways not just verbally, but physically and mentally too. We finish each other’s thoughts and sentences. We are not afraid to fight and argue an issue knowing we will get to a peak where we have to agree to disagree but we can do so without compromising all that we are. He understands that I have issues that I deal with day to day that have nothing to do with him that I can’t share with him because it hurts too much. I know that he too deals with things that go on in his head that I can only get a small grasp on before I am beyond my own experienced comprehension.
Is there a point to this blog?
I am happy and I appreciate that what I have in my life right now is something very unique and special. I love all our children and I love Dean more than words. I know you have all been worried not only for Dean but for me as well and are worried about how I am handling all of this. I am handling like I always do one moment at a time. I love all of you that have shown your care and concern. I love all of you that have added us to your prayer lists because we have needed them. I love each and every one of you that are of the select few that I share my life with on a regular basis either one on one or through blogs.
I appreciate you and I hope I never take you for granted. HUGS

The Pier

2006-10-06T14:08:00.000-07:00

The couple walked along the boardwalk hand in hand enjoying the smell of the salt water and their surroundings. People walked around them lost in their own conversations, experiencing their own memories. The couple talked little each lost in their own thoughts but aware that they were building a memory that would last them a lifetime.

The boats were docked for the evening but the fishermen were still hard at work selling their catches. Prawns, crab, salmon and oysters fresh from the Pacific Ocean that morning graced the decks of the boats. The old cannery a reminder that the pier was once a link to so many livelihoods, wasn’t like that anymore. Now it was a tourist stop on a guided map of the area. Merchants who turned them into antique and gift shops bought out the shops that once provided sundries and food to the local fishermen. Restaurants and pubs littered the pier with almost as much density as the tourist shops.

The couple walked towards the restaurant at the furthest end of the pier. Heavy wood planks beneath their feet absorbed their footfalls. Seagulls searched for food dropped carelessly or thrown with purpose, causing them to squawk and caw at each other. Soaring in and out of the wind currents the birds danced above the couple in beautiful flight. The sounds of the ocean caused everyone on the pier to talk in hushed whispers, as if the sound of a voice would destroy the sound of the beauty.

Both parties had been there before but never with the other party. Like everything else in their relationship this was new to them as a couple. Dinner was small talk in a crowded restaurant where families of all sizes were celebrating everything from birthdays to an evening away from the kids. The ambiance was not romantic in and of itself but to the couple nothing could have been more romantic. They held hands every chance they could even once dinner was served. Staring into each other’s eyes as if they were the only two people in the world the other patrons and wait staff couldn’t help but see the love these two people shared.

When dinner was over they walked along the pier. It was quieter; the tourists had headed towards a livelier night. The birds had flown back to their safe harbour in the local bay to wait the dawn of the next day. The fishermen were aboard their boats, the lapping of the calm waves lulling them into slumber so they could arise early to meet the morning catch. The antique and gift shop owners had locked themselves behind the darkened windows to count their profits, hoping that the next day would bring the sunshine that called the tourists to the area. As the sun faded behind the oceanic horizon the summer eve began to chill and the couple too headed away from the pier. The romance of the evening forever ingrained in their minds.
I love you more than words soul mate.

My First Rose

2006-08-22T14:06:00.000-07:00

Bold at the base and slender at the top, the tightly woven petals embraced each other like lovers. Foliage of dark green and devoid of thorns, the rose was a symbol of more than just beauty. The red was so deep it was almost too dark to be red yet it was so bright it could only be.
The basket the vendor carried was full of roses of all colours and as she wondered past us time and again the scent of them cut through the smoke and stale beer of the pub. Her beauty could be compared to the roses she was selling but he didn’t seem to notice it as he waved her over to the table. She picked a rose from the top of the pile and placed it in front of him and he gave her the required funds. He glanced at it and asked if he could choose his own. She willingly agreed and his large steady hands picked his rose of choice gently so as not to break the other stems. He handed me the rose without a word and I smiled and graciously said thank-you. Inside I was glowing. I doubt he will ever know what that gesture meant to me.
The evening had started quite casually, I was at work and he came to pick me up to take me for dinner. It was during the summer of 1986 and I was working at EXPO 86. He suggested we stay on site and take in a few of the events and then we could get dinner. I readily agreed and though I was a bit nervous about how the evening would proceed I was looking forward to it. This was the first time I could remember being it being just us. Normally there were others around us at all times giving us little time to really get to know each other very well.
We walked and talked about school and work and the other things going on in our lives. It was nice to have his undivided attention. I remember walking under a big cement overpass of some kind and stopping to watch the gyroscope. He explained to me how it worked and why people didn’t get sick when riding it because of centrifugal force. I realized that I still needed to learn a lot about him and I was very glad that this time together might allow it. I don’t remember how long we walked or even all the things we saw but I do remember the feelings of happiness. I was thrilled that he wanted to spend some time alone with me. I listened intently to the words he said taking each one to heart knowing that he was saying so much more with the unspoken words.
Eventually we ended up at the entrance to the pub. There was a line up, which really wasn’t unusual for this place. The Irish Rovers were the band for the evening and if you are familiar with their music you know that they are a ton of fun and they always get the crowd involved. The laws in my province allow minors to enter a pub before 8pm as long as they are accompanied by someone over the legal age so getting in the door was no problem. The law doesn’t say we had to leave when 8pm rolled around so that also was not a problem.
The place was packed, as we expected it would be, so we shared a table with two strangers that were in their late 20’s. We were polite and socialized with the couple until our food arrived. I seem to recall we both had burgers and fries, certainly nothing fancy. I was drinking 7-up and orange juice he was drinking draft ale. We continued talking and chatting over our meal and not long after the other couple left. The pub stayed crowded and the seats that had been the couples were quickly occupied by other patrons. This left the two of us alone at the table and it remained that way for the rest of the evening.
The Irish Rovers started playing around 9pm and the party really got going then. Everyone around us was having a great time, drinking enough to cause tomorrow morning headaches. There were loud voices, laughter and even the occasional catcall when a sexy woman walked by. We two were almost oblivious to the action and to the crowd. We continued to enjoy conversation while we people watched and cracked comments and jokes about the inebriated patrons around us.
I was singing along to the music I knew and he was laughing at the fact that I knew the words. The band members were all old enough to be my fathers, possibly my grandfathers. There were people on the dance floor but I had no desire to dance and I was grateful he didn’t ask. The evening wore on and our conversation dwindled. We were just enjoying each other’s company and the comfortable silence we were sharing in this crowded room. The party got louder as the pub got richer and the cracking horrible voices of the patrons started to over dub the band. When they played "The Unicorn" the pub sang the chorus so loud I think they may have heard us in Ireland.
A few hours into the evening she began working the crowd. Subtly at first, she just walked through the crowd not soliciting her wares. I noticed her because she was a beautiful woman. Classy in a group of low class drunks she stood out and seemed out of place. The majority of the place was wearing shorts and T-shirts, she was the exception. Wearing a short black skirt and a blouse that was open somewhere between conservative and seductive, she walked the floor in a 2 inch black heel. I watched the men eye her from both front and behind, and the women jealously watched their men. Women started hinting at their dates that they would like a rose and her evening of selling began in earnest.
I didn’t dare ask for a rose of my own, that was something my parents had taught me. I knew that if I asked, he would by it for me, because that was something his parents had taught him.
When he placed the stem in my hand, all the things I felt about this man rushed into my mind. We had spent so little time together yet we always knew where the other was. I could call him anytime and talk to him about anything. He shared my excitement when I landed a new job or won an award in sports at school. He worried about me being out late at night after a late shift at work just like my mother. I loved him even if I couldn’t say the words. He never spoke them either but I knew he loved me too. The rose was a gesture much deeper than it seemed.
I held that rose for the rest of the evening. Twirling it in my fingers, smelling its sweet scent repeatedly. The waitress brought me a glass to place it in so it wouldn’t dry out. She could see what it meant to me as I am sure anyone who saw me with it could.
The evening didn’t end when we left the pub. We walked back through the exposition around midnight just before the rides closed for the night. I dared him to go on the log ride with me and after much ado he agreed. We were soaked when we got off the ride. It was a chilly walk back to his car but we were laughing so much neither of us really noticed. The drive home lulled us both into a quiet comfort. No words really needed to be said by either of us.
When we pulled up in front of my house I knew the evening would always be a grand memory even after the petals of the rose wilted and turned to dust on my dresser. I leaned over in my seat and gave him a kiss on the cheek and said thank-you for dinner and the rose. I told him I had a lot of fun and hoped we could do it again soon.
I opened the door, got out and just before closing it I heard him say "Good-night Susan, I love you."
I bent down looked back into the car and said "I love you too, Dad"

Dinner and a Train Ride

2006-08-13T14:04:00.000-07:00

I told you about dinner in a recent blog but in case you missed that info it was awesome. Sirloin steak, baked potato, steamed tomato halves, fresh salad and fresh hot bread. Dessert was a white and milk chocolate mousse that just thinking about ads pounds. LOL
So on to the train ride. We arrived at the restored 1927 CN station at about 7pm and it was just starting to get crowded with people young and old. The volunteers were dressed in authentic era railway uniforms and were almost as old as the train with the exception of the guide. She was in her early 20's and did all the announcing of local heritage sites and such.

There were two types of train cars, open air and closed coach. We also had a chance to check the caboose, which was really quite neat, although it was so crowded I couldn't get pics of it. We decided since the evening was warm to remain in the open-air cars. The benches were designed to run parallel to the length of the cars allowing lots of room to walk between aisles and we grabbed seats close to the middle of a car which allowed for even more room for us to stand if we wanted to. We ended up standing the better part of the trip as the views were worth of standing.

The 2141 steam-powered heritage train headed west leaving the station about 7:30 after the standard call of "All Aboard" by the conductor. Amazingly this old train that had once been retired in Riverside Park, where Dean had climbed on it as a kid, took off with a gentle glide along the tracks. We expected to be jolted into momentum but there was only one jolt throughout the whole ride. The train was restored by the local historical society by volunteers who put in countless hours to restore her to her original beauty. The history of the train in and of itself makes the trip well worth the ride.

Our first stop was in the middle of the South Thompson River on a 1927 steel trestle bridge. Dean was a little nervous about this part he doesn’t like stopping on bridges. I wasn’t able to get pictures of the bridge but I did get a picture of the beaver dam that is located at the base of one of the pilings. The tour guide gave us a brief run down on the local history and heritage of the area including the origin of the city name Kamloops that means the joining of the rivers. The North and South Thompson join right in the center of town.

The train was pretty crowded and there were kids all over the place but for the most part they were really good as we all got a chance to get a good look at the views. This didn’t last the entire trip though and as you will soon discover it made for a few um, tense moments LOL

The trip actually took us right through the local reserve area so not all of the scenery was worth viewing but the surrounding landscapes were beautiful. The sun was shining on the mountains to the east and the sunset to the west was gorgeous.

As we passed the native cemetery dating back to the 1800’s sun was glinting off the stained glass windows of the historic St. Joseph’s Church. This church was restored and remains in service today for Catholic Mass and Easter services.

Heading towards the main CN rail yard, the furthest point of our trip, I was like a tourist snapping pictures left and right of the local mountains and the scenery.

Behind us there was a discussion of which of the two mountains was Mount Peter and which one was Mount Paul. My crass mind wanted to shout out "the more important question is which one did Mary mount?" but I held my tongue. There were children present after all.

Arriving at the Junction yard, the tour guide presented a history on the CN railway and some more of the local history for the region. It was explained that the mountain to the north east of us was Strawberry Hill, the mountain that was burned by forest fire in 2001. Lit by a casually tossed cigarette but this fire caused evacuations of local residents and took more than 6 weeks to extinguish.

We returned on the same track where we were treated to the ticket punching procedures of days gone by. After a short stop at St. Joseph 's Church for more photos and a history of the national historic site, we passed the eternal flame of the cemetery.

Dean and I took the time at this point to walk through the covered train car and into the caboose. The caboose was really neat but as I said we couldn’t get pictures. There were two upper bunks that were probably used for sleeping quarters for the conductors. There was a small table and chairs that I am sure were used for not just eating but probably hours or card playing too. I headed towards the very rear of the train to take some pictures from the open deck area at the end of the caboose.

This is where the train ride started to take a bit of a turn. This woman standing close enough to hear was telling her friend, an obvious tourist, that this train was famous. She went on to say that it was not famous because it is a historic steam powered train, nor because people gave their own time and money to restore it to working mint condition. She had decided it was famous because in the early 70’s, then prime minister, Pierre Elliot Treadeau flipped the bird to a bunch of reporters in the city of Salmon Arm. Apparently this is important to the history of Canada and the History of rail travel.
Seconds later as I make it to the deck area some woman with high maintenance written all over her designer clothes and hairstyle is trying to take a picture of her completely dolled up daughters. She even has the girls pose just perfectly so the little girl not related to her obviously, is totally blocked by the body of one of her daughters. She is trying to pose them perfectly while there is 20 of us behind her trying to see the view and capture our own pictures. Hello, if you want studio style portraits, go to a studio! People like these piss me off. It is one thing to take pictures that are posed in public if you are not bothering anyone else but when you are holding up a line. Well lets just say Opal does not have manners for people like this so I proceeded through the crowd to get onto the deck myself not much caring if I ruined pose number 45!

Stopping once again on the trestle bridge I am a picture snapping fool while we wait for the engineer to get approval that the swing span of the bridge has been closed. Due to the popularity of the scenic vistas from the bridge, we again stop astride the South Thompson River and passengers move about the train for their choice of photos. This is where Dean got his chance to be testy. This 6’7" man standing beside Dean kept using Dean’s feet as standing blocks. This was really starting to piss Dean off and I must say I admired his restraint. I know he wanted to elbow the bastard but he refrained. There was also a little guy about 8 who kept jamming in front of both Dean and I trying to get a better bird’s eye view. I was about ready to give him a real bird’s eye view by throwing him off the train when his mother finally realized that he was not close at hand.

As we rode back past the station, they reenacted the delivery of train orders with the use of a message hoop. Moving at a slow speed, the Train Manager assigned an onboard attendant to reach over the side of the train as the Station Master on the platform extended a hoop for pick up. The message received warned that masked riders have been seen in the area and that the train must proceed with caution. At this point I was busy checking the camera batteries and when the robbers arrived on horseback shooting guns right next to the train I jumped. Every child on the train screamed and most was crying. It was very authentic for sure.

The Bill Miner gang reenacts famous 1906-train robbery that took place just outside of Kamloops at Ducks. The train robbery was very realistic and the gang even came onboard to interact with passengers and crew. Following the robbery, the Ghost of Bill Miner himself told the story of his life and the robbery. I was amazed at the behavior of the horses. They were not scared of the moving train and when they rode past the gravel kicked right up into the train cars they were so close. In fact as they were riding away the one horse was no more than 6 inches from the side of the train at a full gallop without showing any hesitation at all.
The evening was really quite enjoyable and I can see us taking the kids for the ride in the future we will just leave out the dinner before hand.

Summertime

2006-07-02T22:38:00.000-07:00

Summertime is a sweet reminder of days gone by. I think all of us have memories of summer that make us smile. Summertime memories to me are as sweet if not sweeter than Christmas memories. Perhaps its because it wasn’t about the gifts but about the freedom from life’s pressures.

The last day of school was always anticipated for weeks. Daylight savings time always seemed to be the trigger that made us antsy for the last day of June. Packing the efforts of 10 months hard work into back packs and plastic bags we would skip home with delight.

I have mentioned in a previous blog that my brother and I used to go to summer daycare because mom worked full time. We did many fun things with the daycare including parks, beaches, aquariums and petting zoos. They kept us very busy for the 10 weeks we were there.

Mom also kept us busy on the weekends by taking us to the campground that was our second home. This place was awesome for us and for mom. When we first started us kids slept in a big tent on air mattresses and mom and Shirley, a long-time friend of the family, would sleep in the camperized van. We were young enough that it didn’t matter to us that by morning, we were in a dew soaked tent and the mattresses beneath us no longer had air in them. After we had been going here for a few years mom bought a 26ft-travel trailer with a friend of hers and we traded off weekends with them. It never really mattered to us what we slept in as long as we could get up in the morning have a breakfast of eggs, bacon and those mini cereal boxes mom only bought for camping. Once the breakfast dishes were done and the ice cream pail we did them in had been rinsed out and put away we were off and running. The days and evenings were always filled for us kids with little time to get bored.

Friday night when mom got home from work we would load the cooler into the car and be off. It was about 90min to the campground if there were no border lineups. On long weekends the lineups could stretch from 20 min to 2 hrs. We were always prepared to wait though. Once across the border we would pass the dairy where we bought our milk and cheeses for the weekend. Sunday we would return here on our way home to buy milk and cheese for the week ahead. We would also get a soft serve ice cream cone as a treat for in the car while we waited to cross the border back into Canada.

Driving past the dairy farms there was always the smell of fresh manure and silage. The running joke to this day is that it was my mother’s perfume we could smell. It really wasn’t an unpleasant smell and to this day whenever I drive past the farms near my mom’s I can’t help but think of those summers evening drives.

A few miles beyond the border there was a little church at the corner we turned at. A cedar shingle roof atop white exterior walls surrounded by cedar shrubs and crab grass Inside there were 6 pews and a small altar each with its own hymn book resting neatly in the wooden pockets attached to the pew in front. Sparsely decorated and adorned with only a cross at the front of the building above the altar. A feeling of eerie comfort always came over me each time I was in that building. Almost as if the empty church spoke more than the full church we attended on a semi regular basis. The church was non-denominational and could seat maybe 18 people. It was seldom locked and every time we stopped to show a friend who had come with us they were always amazed that the door wasn’t locked. There was a donation box in the church that always had money in it but no one ever thought to steal it. It was a different way of life back then and we never thought to take money from the church.

I loved the scenery on the drive. Farmhouses with beautiful gardens lined the country roads. The hanging baskets were huge and the porch swings were inviting. Corn grew as tall I have ever seen it and on the last right hand turn on our route there was a huge strawberry field. I would say the field had to be 20 acres in size but I am sure if I went to look at it today with an adult’s eye it would only be maybe 5 acres. We never picked strawberries from the fields even though we were very close to them when we were staying at the campground; local rumour had it that the farmer carried a shotgun and a mean streak. In hindsight, I believe it was our parents telling us tales to make sure we didn’t disturb the crops that earned this farmer his livelihood.

Driving in the entrance we could see a large grassy knoll and the first of two lakes to our right and the main office ahead of us, Mike and I were always eager to go check out which of our summer friends had returned to share in our fun. Mom’s rules said that we had to help unload the car before we were allowed to take off anywhere. We tried to sneak away every single time.

Our location in the campground depended on whom we were camping with while we were there. Sometimes we were near the backfields on the backside of the second lake. This location was my favorite as we were always under the big evergreen trees, which provided a great reprieve from the sun on a hot summer afternoon. This spot also usually afforded us a chance to feed the squirrels that lived in the trees above us. If we were on our own, just the 3 of us, mom liked to be near the main office. It was close to the pool so she didn’t have to go far to fetch us kids for meals and there were fewer mosquitoes to bite her in the evenings. Mom was never big on the campfires once we got the big trailer and if it were just the three of us mom would go to bed early and read after we had gone to sleep.

Like I said after breakfast we were ready to run and play like kids should. Mom always supplied us with a daily allowance of money and if we were really well behaved she might slip us a little extra towards the end of the day. Our morning usually began in the main office. I suppose I should be calling it the clubhouse because for us, that is pretty much what it was. There was a general store with the basics for the campers, the candy and pop for us. In the main room there was an arcade with a pool table, pinball machines and the top video games of the era like Zenon and Pac Man. and a laundry room. Out the backsliding glass door there was a veranda type deck which looked over the lake we saw when we first drove in. the deck led to the right towards the entrance and to the left towards the pool and the full facility washrooms.

I grew up as a water baby so at any given time of day, with the exception of adult swim hours, my mother would always look for me in the pool before looking anywhere else. The pool was only 9ft deep at the deepest end and 3ft at the shallow end. A kidney bean shape it provided me with hours and hours of entertainment. There were a couple of tables with umbrellas around the pool but with so many kids in the pool at one time most parents chose not to be inside the gates for fear of getting soaked. We rarely used the tables for anything other than our dry towels. Our wet towels hung over the chain link fencing and would usually dry before we needed them again. We would be kicked out of the pool twice a day for an hour each time. This was adult swim hour and let me tell you that hour was one of the longest we ever experienced. 1-2 and 6-7, no kids allowed, no exceptions. Mom wouldn’t even let us hang around the gates or fences when she was swimming because this was her quiet time.

If she couldn’t find me in the pool there was always a chance that I was out on the lake in a pedal boat. I can’t remember when they removed it but there used to be a bridge to an island in the middle of the lake. The island was the home of many bullfrogs, which we loved to try and catch with butterfly nets in the evenings after dusk. We were allowed one boat rental each on the weekends and we always took our best pals with us for the ride. The boats were two-seaters but I can remember having up to 6 or 7 kids on them at one time. The lake wasn’t deep but it wasn’t something we wanted to swim in either, duck mites and slimy muck were something our mothers might have buried us for.

We seldom got to take our own bikes because mom had a small car but there was always someone willing to share and after a few years the owners of the campground even provided bikes for us regular campers to use. Riding the campground was always fun as we sped down the hills and around the lakes as fast as our feet would take us. At the very back of the acreage the campground was located on there was even a dirt bike track that we could race and take jumps on. Once my brother and I were a bit older we were allowed to ride into Lynden and take in the shopping. We used to go into Bellingham with mom for school clothes and general shopping that was much cheaper in the USA than it ever was at home but it wasn’t like going into Lynden on our own. We would ride through the streets of this sleepy Dutch heritage town and wish we could live there all year round. I remember the daffodils and tulips that filled virtually every yard in the spring. The shops were quaint and almost eclectic in style. Mike and I certainly never saw these kinds of shops in the cities at home.

The owners of the camp also tried to keep us entertained when the weather was wet which is common in the northwest region. The basement of the club house, now a restaurant, used to be just a large empty room with four walls. We would fill it with sleeping bags and lawn chairs and watch movies on VHS on the rainy afternoons. On Sunday mornings this room was our church. A list of ministers all from different denominations would preach the word of God to us. Every week was a different minister until, like a baseball team, the roster started from the top again. I remember taking a CPR course in that room when I was about 12. Rescue Annie scared the living crap out of me the way she moved when anyone compressed her chest. I did not participate in the hands on instruction and to this day will avoid performing CPR at all costs. This room was often used for large potluck gatherings in the fall months especially for thanksgiving both for the Canadians and the Americans.

There were usually as many, if not more, Canadians than Americans at the campground and this meant the holidays in Canada were always celebrated. Even the 4th of July was celebrated, usually a few days early, on our Canada Day. Everyone would meet near the clubhouse and bring their favorite dish and their own plates and utensils. Put that many people and that much food in one location and you will get true community spirit. Everyone watched over everyone else’s kids. Babies were passed around like good moonshine on a hunting trip. Everyone helped clean up and no one left before everything was done. I don’t ever remember anyone causing a scene. Fireworks were always a part of the July holiday and being a child I was always in awe of the colours and sounds a little gunpowder could produce.

Saturday nights and Sunday’s, if it was a long weekend, we always went to bingo at 7pm. Mom would pay for our bingo cards that were $2.00 a card for the evening and if we won we had to split the money 50/50 with mom. We were also encouraged to share some of our winnings with the other kids that were with us for the weekend. Some weekends there was just my brother and I other weekends there might be as many as 6 of us running around my mom’s feet. I remember winning a few times but more often than not if one of us was going to win it would have been Tina, one of my best friends. That girl was born with four-leaf clovers as part of her DNA. Tina was lucky with everything she touched from bingo to horse racing.

I remember the summer of 1979. I had the opportunity to go to the KOA for 9 days with our neighbours. I called these people my aunt and uncle although they were of no relation. Uncle Peter and Auntie Coral lived two doors down from us and they were my contact in case I had trouble with anything after school. Being latch key kids mom wanted to make sure we had someone close and everyday when I got home from school I would let Auntie know I was home. Mark and Melissa were Uncle and Auntie’s children. We were all very close and the idea of going camping with them was a huge thrill for me.

The 9 days turned into 14 and it was filled with swimming, riding, boating, frog catching and general good times. On that trip there was a thunder and lighting storm the likes of which I haven't seen since. As we all sat outside (silly) beneath the awning (stupid) of the camper parked among the huge evergreen trees (what were we thinking) the lightening flashed all around us. The thunder was so loud that it seemed the storm was right on top of us. I loved sitting in that humid air watching the lightening on the lake while we roasted marshmallows on the campfire.

A hornet stung Melissa on her lip about 4 days into the trip. Her lip swelled up so badly that it was decided she needed to see a Dr as soon as possible in case of allergic reaction. The trip back into Canada and into the hospital was long and tense. The camp owners had phoned ahead to the border to let them know we were on our way and when we arrived we were cleared right through no questions asked. We could have taken her to the local hospital in the states but the cost would have been enormous, as they had no medical insurance for travelling outside Canada. The Dr cleared Melissa, gave her a prescription for an anti-inflammatory and we headed back to camp. The swelling was gone after a few days but it was a story we told for years.

Our curfews on the campground were few but we all knew we had to be back at our own sites by nightfall. There were no lights except near the clubhouse so we would walk by the light of the campfires back to our respective locations. For my family nightfall meant pj’s and marshmallows. Sitting in old metal lawn chairs, woven with uncomfortable nylon strips that pinched your butt or legs if you sat on them wrong, we would roast and burn marshmallows using sticks we had found in the bushes around camp. Mosquitoes were never a concern though we always went home covered in bites. The smoke from the fire was always moving around and legend had it that saying "I hate white rabbits" would make it go away. I never found that to be true.

Once the flames of the fire had turned to embers, exhaustion would quickly settle in. A full day of fresh air left our little bodies in dire need of sleep. Amazingly enough it was usually not much after 10pm when we went to bed. Snuggling into our sleeping bags we would drift off to the sound of the adults that remained around the fire. It was now time for us to dream and for the memories of summer to become forever embedded in our memories.

The Day the Kids and I....

2006-06-10T14:26:00.000-07:00

We just got back from the park and the two little guys are resting and Dan is playing Crash Bandicoot so I thought I would take a min to blog. I got all the way to the end of the blog hit the wrong button and lost it all.
here is the second edition of todays events in much shorter format. LOL
We walked and saw tons of pretty plants and some really cute animals. The park we went to is huge. We didn't walk it all instead stuck to the native plant trails and the butterfly garden. Here is a brief description of the park. I will tell you there are 5 soccer fields and 9 baseball diamonds in this park and that is not all the fields just the ones I know for sure.
McArthur Island is the home to many of Kamloops sports and recreation facilities. The 51 ha. (126 ac.) island is lavishly equipped with a variety of playing fields, golf course, indoor sports centre, bicycle paths, parks and picnic land, lagoon, wild flora and fauna reserve, BMX track, tennis courts, walking trails and so much more.
The kids had a lot of fun and enough sun to make them tired. I really enjoyed myself and for the first time in a while I am happy to say I haven't thought of today in terms of "It's Saturday another day stuck at home with ALL the kids" instead I am looking foward to making more statements like the one Dean will hear when he comes home "Honey, Guess what the kdis and I did today at...."

How to mop a floor.

2006-06-10T13:28:00.000-07:00

THIS IS HOW WE MOP IN THIS HOUSE FROM HERE ON OUT.

The boys had a blast. i kept the mop close and did a few sweeps when they ended up with too much water on the floor but for the most part i just got to sit and watch. i suggested areas they had missed and when they were done the floor was shining. i mopped up the extra water and as they threw thier sock and swimsuits into the laundry andrew said mom that was so much fun can we do it again soon.

doesn't cost a lot of money to make a fun memory.

I do suggest that if you are going to try this you limit the time spent on the floor. i set the timer for 15 minutes thinking anymore than that would cause them to get too riled up and someone would get hurt. 13 min in keygan took a tumble and landed on his elbow and chin. the kids didn't realize just how slippery the floor could get.

we are off to take Dean some lunch and get slurpee's for everyone. I promised the boys this morning if they could make beds, clean thier rooms and vacuum in 15 min or less they would get one. they had 3 min to spare when they were done. I think im liking flying.

Have a great saturday I have more to post but it will wait til later as I need a good dose of kids today. I think we might go for a walk in the nature park.

Hugs

I feel ugly today

2006-06-06T14:25:00.000-07:00

somedays things go bad and you just have no excuse. today was one of those days.
it started out alright and really there was no reason for it to turn like it did. i did my chores this morning and then had a great chat with a good friend. i spent the afternoon working on Dan's uniform for annual inspection which turned out not to be tonight but on the 17th. anyway his uniform is ready to go with his badges sewn in all the right places. i played spyro for a couple hours and still had time to read for a few minutes before the kiddos came home from school.
all in all a good day... right?
apperantly not because when Daniel came home from school with yet another comment from his teacher about homework not being done I LOST IT. any relaxation i had previously enjoyed melted away and i became this ugly awful person. i yelled, i screamed, i hurt my throat and it is still hoarse. i thought i was done that i had got my point across and then this evil horrid rage came over me and i wanted to hurt my child. i backed him down the hallway and cornered him and oh how i wanted to hurt him. i admit to smacking his face for telling me a bold faced lie but the fear in his eyes stopped me from killing him.
i left the room and walked back to the couch and crumbled apart. as huge racking sobs took over my body i reached out to a friend to help stabalize me again. it only took a few minutes and i could breath again and was able to talk to dan. i apologized and made sure he was alright. i explained why i got angry to the best of my ability because i don't really know exactly what set me off. we talked for a few minutes i told him how much i loved him and asked him if he could forgive me for my temper. a huge hug and dried tears and he went back to his homework.
i am left feeling ugly for it.
i am sure some of your opinions on what happened today will be harsh but not as harsh as my own so feel free to comment if you feel the need. i have had rage like this before although i am pleased to say the episodes are very few and far between. i think the last was about april last year and as a matter of fact it was also with daniel. that time he ran away from daycare and was missing for over 2 hours. scared the life out of more than a few people with that stunt.
i know that anger is something we learn from our society and our surroundings. i was watching something the other day and jane goodall said that she believes our human society has the anger it does because we are all so confined to such small areas. in this house that is certainly true but it is also true in society. is there anywhere you can go to get away from it all anymore? even here when i drive 2 hrs into the bush there is a chance i will see someone out there.
i am not proud of my rage and i have learned to tame it. in fact usually it takes me a very long time to get angry something that frustrates Dean to no end because i will let things slide when i shouldn't. sometimes however days like today happen and i am at a loss to figure out what triggered it. frustration at an ongoing situation that every action attempted hasn't fixed does have a lot to do with it. now i won't blame today on daniel because it wasn't his fault that i got so mad. yes it was his fault his homework wasn't done yet again and yes it is partly the teachers fault for signing off on his agenda yesterday without the required homework being written in it. but i got angry not daniel or the teacher.
getting that angry makes me feel ugly. i feel like i am a horrible person for taking such a stance with my child. a person i brought into this world that i am supposed to nuture and love at all costs. certainly i am not supposed to act like an abusive power of authority. i know my actions today will cause daniel to tow the line but that doesn't justify it in anyway. what i did was wrong and totally out of line. if i saw it on the news i would react with hatred for the person who could do such an act. and that is what makes me feel so ugly. i am not that person and i don't like that person.
dean and a gf both told me that sometimes we over react to a situation and i know that to be true but over reacting like i did today is never justified. i feel like the worlds worst parent for it even though i know daniel has forgiven me and will continue to act like all 10yr old and act as if nothing has happened. that makes me feel worse because he should have the right to react to my actions too instead of thinking he has to keep them bottled in his mind because you don't talk back to elders.
i know i am human and perhaps some of you have also experienced this rage that uncorks itself with no warning. i wish it was more like champagne instead of like barbed wire. i would enjoy a sudden burst of laughter or happiness.
hugs to all and thanks for letting me vent.
Susan

Black Lake

2006-05-27T14:23:00.000-07:00

last night we couldn't decide what we wanted to do. friday is usually a night we would hit Walmart after dinner because dean works saturday's it is not a night that we would go for a drive usually.
so last night i had no inclination to go shopping so dean suggested a short drive out to a local lake he wants to fish this summer. i agreed as long as the road wasn't too rough. bouncing around in the truck hurts my tummy. couple hours there and back, kids would be in bed by 9:30-10. sounded like a great idea and we would be home in time to do the dishes have a shower and maybe some fun before we went to bed.
i shoulda guessed things weren't gonna go exactly as planned when i took the stairs on the deck by storm and tried to break my back on my way down. how i didn't hurt myself worse is beyond me as i slid down the 5 front stairs after my foot came out from under me on the second step. i bruised a rib and jarred my knee but i came out of it no worse for wear really and meds and a good nights sleep has left me feeling little or no pain.
black lake is off the beaten track outside the provincial park boundaries. we drove the main hwy for about 20 min till we hit the road for roche lake and after travelling a pretty decent road for another 10 min we came to black lake road. now here i am looking down this bush cut road and all i can see are rocks and puddles definately not a maintained road. I bite my tongue as dean turns onto the wheel rutted path and off we go.
i am not sure what dean's idea of a rough road is but good lord this road was ROUGH. it really wasn't hurting me but when the puddles are bigger than the track i get ancy. i mean you can't tell how deep they are or what is inside them and within a few minutes i had white knuckle syndrome from hanging onto the door handle. the truck bounced and jostled and jilted. dean drove with as much caution as he could but the truck being on a 45 degree angle as i looked over edges and into deep freaking puddles was almost more than i could handle. LOL i was really trying to maintain my cool and have fun but i was freaked none the less.
i was relieved when we finally came upon the lake. it was just getting to dusk and there was a mist on the water it was beautiful and well worth the rough ride. i had told the boys to grab a coat but dean told them they wouldn't need them... they needed them LOL. dan had grabbed his but little drew was in a t-shirt so in no time he was wearing dean's sweatshirt.
back into the truck and further along the rough road. the puddles were huge i tell ya. we drove out to wear there was a field with a beat up pick up in the middle of it that looked like it was prolly stolen and joy ridden to its certain death about 5yrs ago. this is where dean decided to turn around but not before seeing a puddle that could have been called a lake. the boys begged dean to drive through it and chew up some mud. dean sat in the truck for a couple minutes eyeing the puddle then got out got a big stick and tested the waters. 2 min later he returned to the truck and much to my relief said no way boys i can't find bottom. LOL Whew.
30 min of rough road back to the logging road and we were on our way. by now i was sore and my knuckles were tensed so bad i wasn't sure i would ever type again. LOL it was dark by the time we reached the logging road and i was glad we weren't on the back road anymore. i don't like that kind of driving when there is no daylight and you have to rely on just headlights. yes i am a worrywart but i am trying to ease up which is why i agreed to go in the first place. LOL
so as we are flying down the road at a good clip we are passed by the police who have every search light on the top of the car turned on. then another one right behind the first with search lights on too. a strange sight on a logging road at 9:30pm. a few hundred yards further down the road there is a truck and tent-trailer pulled off to the side and the driver is standing about 100 feet behind the truck. i saw him before dean and thankfully was able to avoid hitting the guy. we slowed down asked them if they needed some help and the guy informed us the cops that just passed us were looking for a car that had gone off the road and gotten an onstar call. he stopped because his wife thought she had seen something. we wished them a good evening and carried on our way.
about a mile down the road i too thought i had seen something off a ridge so dean stopped and went to check. it turned out to be a massive boulder but always better to be sure. the truck we had stopped to talk to ended up passing us and we took our time getting back to the main hwy keeping our eyes peeled from broken brush or tracks that could have led off the road. we saw nothing but lots of brush and mud.
back onto the main road we were cruising at a good clip looking forward to getting home. everyone had to pee now and I needed some meds. ok not everyone. LOL Andrew was crashed and I mean totlly missed the action crashed. mouth agape and head bobbing with every pothole sound asleep. we were maybe 10 min out of town when we passed the truck and tent-trailer again and the trailer had a flat on the drivers side. dean suggest we stop and see if they needed a hand and i agreed so we turned around and went back to find them parked on the side of the road under a street light.
dean gets out of the truck and lo-and-behold the guy driving is someone dean went to school with. what are the odds. LOL the two guys walked up to the closest house and as they knocked no word of a lie the people shut the lights off and made like they had gone to bed. turns out neither of the guys had a jack so they ended up flagging down a cattle hauler and he gave them a jack. so there is the 3 guys trying to get it together to change the tire. the guys wife came over and thanked us for stopping to help turns out they were heading out camping but got stuck and had spent their evening trying to get out of the mud they sunk into. their daughter was finally sleeping and it was obvious this woman just needed to vent. 7 hours it took them to get out of the bush they were in. their friends had long taken off on them and she said no less than 10 vehicles stopped asked if they were stuck said thats really too bad and then left. finally two guys in quads came by and pulled the truck out and kindly hauled the tent-trailer to the main road for them. Again i wonder at a humans ability to tuen a blind eye to someone in need. anyway....
as the guys finished getting the tire on the trailer the police showed up. now keep in mind that the two cops we passed in the bush had passed us about 40 min prior and hadn't stopped but now a unit had been sent to find out what we were doing there. like it wasn't obvious to the first two cars? anyway the guys were just finishing up so they went and told the officers what was going on. turns out that the lady who had turned the lights our had decided we might be up to no good and she got scared and called the police. dean and dan walked over to them and explained what was going on the officer said she would explain it to the lady and we were on our way again. by now it was midnight LOL so much for an early evening.
home at last the kids tucked into bed dean went for a shower while i cleaned up the kitchen and put the still dirty dishes into the sink to be washed this morning. we tucked into bed and promptly fell asleep after agreeing that even though the evening didn't go as expected it was enjoyable and it felt good to be able to help dan and alison get home safely.
hugs all hope you have a great weekend.

Sunscreen

2006-05-26T14:20:00.000-07:00

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

New Rules

2006-05-17T14:18:00.000-07:00

Dean and I are frustrated... kids make messes and the adults living in this house feel that they should not be required to clean the messes. Therefore I am developing new rules on messes. Let me know what you think.
clothes
all clothes not in dressers, laundry baskets, neatly folded piles on the couch, or in suitcases in the case of vacation will become property of local thrift store on a weekly basis. If this results in indecent exposure at school or sports functions parents will not be held accountable for any bullying, teasing, embarassment or missed field trips.
toys
all toys not put away before bedtime will be donated with discretion to either a charity or the local landfill.
toys found during the daytime with no children attached to them or within a 2 foot vicinity will suffer the same fate.
any toys stepped on at any point during any day of the week, month, or year will be tossed with flair into a round receptacle located not far from the kitchen table. digging into said receptable to retrieve a toy will result in a good swift smack on the ass.
Food
all food will be consumed either at the provided table located in middle of kitchen or out of doors.
any sticks, wrappers or napkins from all food will be placed in round receptacle mentioned above or it will be placed in a blender mulched up and will be served to offending child at next meal.
glasses will be left on counters when drained and are to be drained within 10 min of pouring beverage. full glasses of water are not to be left on the table for others to knock them off.
there is a limit of one glass per person per meal. using a different glass for each sip of water is not only a waste of precious resources it is also a source of severe parental unit anger when dishes are being done.
food in vehicles will be limited to family vacations only and all evidence of that food must leave the van when disembarking. children caught violating this rule will be left hungry on next vacation while the rest of us go to offenders favorite take out location.
Seating arrangements
We will assign seats at random. Seats once assigned are yours to keep for the duration of your time spent living at home. There will be no trading spaces this isn't a reality show. Any discord among the ranks toward given seating spaces will result in offenders being assigned to an outside post where food and beverage will be consumed for one week without the use of eating utensils or dishes.
If parental units leave their chosen seats no child will jump into said seat "to keep it warm or safe from other children" Parental seats are to remain empty until parental unit decides to return to location of choice.
Sleeping Arrangements
due to the variance in body counts on any given day the following rules will be implemented based on nightly head count and role call.
if all children are home then all children will sleep in customary locations with the exception of Andrew who will begin his rest period in parental unit's room to be moved at a later point in the evening.
if Keygan is with his mother Andrew will commence sleep in Keygans quarters and continue sleeping there each evening until Keygan returns from his other parental unit's home.
if Alysia is with her mother Daniel will commence sleep in Alysia's quarters and continue sleeping there each evening until Alysia returns from her less than adequate parental unit's home.
if either Andrew or Daniel are not home all children will sleep in thier primary quarters.
if extra children are attending for scheduled or non-scheduled visits then sleeping quarters will be determined by parental units on a situational basis. Age is NOT rank in this circumstance.
Family outings
all children will maintain the following status. hands in pockets no more than two abridge when walking aisles.
when passing others children will use manners and appropriate rank order. civilians pass first children last. any child caught pushing past a civilian without use of manners or using incorrect ranking order will be pulled back into line by parental unit pressure being applied to the top of the ear.
children will stay in the same aisle with rest of the batallion at all times. any child caught straying behind or wandering ahead will be completely embarrassed by a parental unit screaming that they have caught a theif and they need security.
social gatherings regardless of size... indoors... voices will be kept to a minimum. feet will be placed on the ground at a slow pace one foot at a time. the food in another persons quarters is not for consuption unless it is offered to you by the owner of the rations. out of doors... the water hose is not to be used as a source of entertainment unless owner of hose allows such recklessness. gardens are not to be dug in, played in or watered without direct permission from owners and parental units.
open park like situations. all children must remain in view at all times. screaming like a banshee is discouraged unless blood is spewing from a wound on your person or the persons around you.
all strangers are danger. even other parental units can be malicious so refrain from making new friends with anyone over 5ft tall.
all objects found, discovered, retrieved or located must be cleared with a parental unit before being placed in the mouth or in the vehicle. children caught sneaking items into either location will be dealt with appropriately.
I think i got the most offending ones. if not I will add more later.
Off to hang the sheets on the line and take Dean some nourishment.
Hugs to all

The weekend

2006-05-10T14:16:00.000-07:00

Saturday afternoon I loaded the 4 kids and all our crap into the van (ok i didn't load it i told the kids how to load it) and headed out to the shop to pick up Dean from work. We were heading to Vancouver for the weekend. Kids were out of school Monday and Keygan had an appointment with his pediatrician on Monday. Keygan was born with a club foot and has to have annual check ups to make sure it is growing properly.
Any of you that have travelled with children in a vehicle for more than an hour at a time know that it can be an adventure. this trip was no different. Everyone had to go to the bathroom withing 30 min of leaving home. everyone was hungry within 45 min. We stopped in Merrit and got dinner and then the fights start. Of course McDonald's has given us 3 of one toy and 1 of another. The 4th toy just sucks so now the kids are trying to trade and exchange and it just never works out. Ok I will stop complaining... to be honest the trip was pretty good and after a detour through Chilliwack to look at a few houses and yards we arrived at mom's no worse for wear.
Sunday morning we were all awaken by a fly. How can one little creature wake an entire house? Easy. In the case of my awakening I realized this twitch on my forehead. I rubbed it away, it came back. This process repeated with the twitch being on my nose, on my cheek, back to my forehead. Each time I rubbed it away, then it would come back. Soon I was swatting at the thing and I don't think many people can sleep when they are flailing their arms around over and over again chasing a fly with their eyes closed. Apperantly all the kids and Dean suffered from the same alarm clock.
We went for breakfast at the Blue Collar. I always call this place the Blue Oyster. LOL My mom doesn't get the joke, just corrects me everytime. If only she knew... LOL ... she wouldn't think it was funny at all. This is the restaurant they go to every Sunday after church service is out. LMAO
After breakfast we drove. Dean loves to drive and it doesn't matter where. The kids are used to this and actually enjoy going. We never head for any place we usually end up in neighbourhoods I grew up in and I can show the kids and Dean my stomping grounds. Or we drive into new neighbourhood that used to be the forests that we played in. We look at gardens, yards, houses, golf courses, vehicles. Just generally driving and looking. It was raining quite hard so it was a great way to kill some time.
One thing I really wanted to do on this trip was see my brother. Dean has only met my brother and his family once and that visit was short and terse. Dad suggested we all go for chinese food but with 8 kids I could see a disaster in the making so McDonald's it was. The McD's near mom's has a HUGE playplace and it was a perfect evening. Dinner was only 80 bucks which isn't bad considering we fed 14 people. With fries and burgers out of the way the kids were off to play and we got to visit. Who would have figured that 6 adults surrounded by 8 children could visit with little or no interruption for over 2 hours.
Monday we headed into Vancouver. We dropped Dean off at the hospital so he could go visit with a couple friends who have relapsed in the last month or so and went for a bit of a drive. Dean had given me 20 bucks and told me to go take the kids for a treat. There is a bakery not far from the hospital that I remember going to as a child. The place has expanded quite a bit and is also a deli and lunch bar. I used to love going here as a child, looking in the glass cases getting to pick a treat all my own. I thought the kids would appreciate it as well.
So there are 4 glass cases full of bakery treats. Eclairs and Cream Puffs were the only two things they were told they could not have. The mess I invisioned in my van made these items off limits. So there is 4 kids drooling over the cases. Looking at cheese cakes and tarts, cookies and mini pies. These were delectable desserts of all kinds and the kids could pick ANYTHING. Can you imagine my surprise when 3 of thim picked fudge brownies and the 4th picked a butter tart. I bought and extra butter tart and fudge brownie and I also bought a mini apple pie for Dean. I figured whichever one he liked least I would eat. I ended up with a butter tart that absolutely melted in my mouth.
After driving around for a while longer we picked up Dean and dropped him and Keygan off at children's hospital. We had about an hour and a half to kill so we went to VanDusen Botanical Gardens. The pictures don't do the place justice. Because it is still early spring many of the plants have yet to develop foliage and blooms. It is still worth the trip. The Rhododendrons were in full bloom and there is a path that runs almost a full mile that was absolutely stunning. I took about 100 pictures in the 90 min we were in the park. I also walked about 3 miles. I was exhausted by the time Dean called to say he was ready to go.
After a quick dinner at my mom's we were on the road. The kids exhausted from playing outside and then walking the gardens drifted off in the van about 2 hours after we left mom's. The drive home was peaceful and blessedly uneventful.

Gossip

2006-05-09T14:15:00.000-07:00

Ha got your attention now...
So here is the gossip.
"Janelle hates me mom. She's not my girlfriend anymore." pouts Andrew after school on Friday.
"Oh, why not honey?" I ask with a smirk on my face. Andrew is 8 and he's a charmer if there ever was one. He pulls chairs out for the girls at school. He holds the door for them when the bell rings.
When we first moved here Andrew instantly made friends. He is so cute and social that everyone just loves this little guy. He is small for his age, in fact he and Keygan age 5 share clothes. Andrew's first day of school the teacher asked me if I had brought the right child because he was so little. His size doesn't stop him socially though and every one from k-7 thinks he is awesome.
Well everyone but Janelle.
Andrew's sweet face got quite droopy as he told me the story. I could see in his eyes that he was crushed. Janelle has been his "girlfriend" for quite some time now. They call each other on the phone, make play dates and even have sleep overs. Andrew likes going to Janelle's and has even taken up going to Sunday school with her on the days that he sleeps over.
Hayley, Janelle's best friend, told Janelle that Andrew was playing with Keira.
Keira is in grade 1 and lives in our park. Andrew and Keygan play with her on a regular basis both after school and on weekends that she is not at her mothers. It is nice that they have a playmate so close. However Andrew never refers to Keira as his girlfriend because as he often reminds us... she's too young for me mom!
Anyhow... Janelle got upset that Andrew might be cheating on him so she told him she doesn't want to be his girl friend anymore. In fact she never wants to talk to him ever again. Hayley couldn't possibly be lying according to Janelle because she is after all her best friend in the whole wide world and best friends simply don't do that to each other.
Andrew, who never plays with Keira at school except just this one time, can't figure out why Janelle got so mad. He tried to call her Saturday before we went to Vancouver but she wasn't home. He worried about it all weekend.
So today it was back to school and it was going to be a better day because Janelle would be over her tantrum.
WRONG
Janelle told Andrew today there is just no way they can be friends and definately not boyfriend and girlfriend if he could do such a thing as talk to another girl while she was off playing with Hayley.
So my little charmer looks me dead in the eye. His face showing an expression only a child plotting revenge could and he says "Mom, it is ok she will get over it tomorrow. I am sure of it cause I am going to get her back." Picture the shoulders puffing up here as Andrew sees the challange of beating this as his. He is full of confidence. No way this girl is going to get the best of him.
Now I am a vindictive person and my children didn't fall far from the tree so I can only imagine what nasty form of revenge he could be plotting. A grasshopper in her locker? Maybe a handful of rocks from the play ground in her shoe. Maybe something a little meaner even like backwash in her drink. Spitballs in her hair.
"Honey, I am sure it will be all better soon and getting her back isn't the best way to deal with this. Let her cool off a little longer and everything will be just fine." Good advice from a mom that is thinking anyone who dare hurts her son better watch her step.
"Well," he says with this look on his face that could only be described as slightly evil, " Miss Delano's class is selling chocolate roses for Mother's day and Alysia is going to buy one and make a card for Janelle and send it to her from me."
So it's true what they say revenge is sweet.
LOL
I will let you know how it turns out.

Geoff with a G

2006-05-06T14:14:00.000-07:00

Dean went for a drive last night after we all went to bed. It is something he does when his stress level gets to be too much for him. When he came home he crawled into bed and snuggled up close to me and whipsered " I love you babe and I am ok now"
He talked for a few minutes knowing I was listening in that half asleep half awake state.
The people he met while in treatment for leukemia all had the same wish ... to spend more time with family once they were home again. Some wanted to be able to watch grandchildren play and frollic. Some wanted to rekindle marraiges. Some wanted to fix broken relationships with children and siblings. All wanted a second chance to focus on the best things in life. Family, friends, and relationships.
One of the gentlemen that passed away was someone Dean met by sheer chance. I want to tell you about him.
I met "Geoff witha G" as he always introduced himself, in the early 90's when Curtis joined a dart league. Geoff and his then common law wife Pam, were on Curt's team. I used to go with Curt every week as it was a great excuse to get a sitter and spend some time together. I instantly liked these two people and we quickly formed a lasting friendship. Pam had a son, Nick, who was a few years old at the time perhaps just starting school and he was a joy to be around too.
We spent a lot of time with Geoff and Pam sharing dinners and stories. We played cards and darts, helped each other move and partied hard when we had the chance. I was the young one in the crowd, which always seemed to be the case in the friendships Curt and I had. In my 20's still Curt ws in his 30's, Pam in her late 30's and Geoff in his 40's. We were a strange mix but it worked well.
Geoff always had a story to tell. He had done a lot with his life and was almost a straggler of sorts. He had been in the Army, had done a bit of this and a lot of that. When we knew him he was driving for Greyhound and then later for the local school district driving school bus. Geoff had a great sense of humour, a vile temper, and the heart of an angel. He loved life and all it had brought him even the tough stuff. He was estranged from his daughter from his first marraige and this was the only source of regret I ever saw in his eyes.
When Curtis and I moved to Quesnel in 1997 they came to visit a couple times and it was always a joy to see them. We were devestated to hear that Geoff was diagnosed with Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia (CML) not long after we moved away. Geoff was in good spirits though and was sure he would beat the disease even though there was no real cure and it was a chronic disease. It just wasn't in him to give up and let it beat him down.
Pam and Geoff went their seperate ways a couple of years later. As often happens in life our friendship went seperate ways not long after their seperation. We talked to Pam a few times after they seperated but as their seperation was a bitter one, it didn't take long for her to lose track of him. Last we knew she had met someone new and was getting married, and Geoff was with a new lady named Joyce. Someone Curt and I knew in passing but couldn't really say we knew.
Life moved on and Pam and Geoff became friends of our past.
Fast forward to last summer. Dean was diagnosed with Acute myelogenous leukemia (AML). This form of leukemia is treated with 3 rounds of chemo a week in length each then about 4 weeks of recovery, a week at home with family, and then onto the next round.
It was on the second round of chemo, done in an outpatient clinic, that Geoff came back into my life and into Dean's for the first time. It was a hot summer day and as was our routine after Dean had a treatment we had to go into the clinic every other day for his blood to be tested and for him to get blood products or antibiotics as needed.
The nature of this kind of care requires a special kind of person to deal with these patients. the one nurse (her name escapes me ) was a total character. She made each patient bring her a new joke with each visit and she always had a joke for them too. Some of those jokes were pretty raunchy and on this day it was no different. As she left the room after drawing Dean's blood, all of us in the room were chuckling. This broke the ice and as often happened the different patients in the room asked what kind of cancer the other had and how their treatments were going.
I was reading a book when I heard his voice. I knew it but couldn't place it. I looked up and didn't recognize the face of the man speaking but I knew I knew that voice. Looking away and concentrating on just the voice I interuppted the banter and asked
"Did you used to live in Sechelt?"
"Yes, and I thought I knew you but I can't place you."
"Geoff?"
"Susan?"
"Uh huh."
"That isn't Curt is it?" as he points to Dean.
Laughing I said "No, it sure isn't."
I couldn't believe my eyes. I hadn't considered Geoff for a long time and I certainly hadn't considered that he would still be battling his cancer.
But he was.
He had been through the ringer too. A bone marrow transplant that didn't go well. Stem cell transplant that had gone better but still not great. He had many complications and had spent the last 10 years in and out of the hospital.
Dean and Geoff both ended up staying at the cancer lodge when I moved to Kamloops. The lodge is only a block from the clinic and it gave patients and family a place to stay that was close to treatment and services. the food sucked Dean will tell you, but all in all this place was heaven sent and built on donations.
The two of them and so many others forged new relationships with one thing in common. Cancer. All types of cancer not just leukemia. Breast, prostate, lung, liver, skin... you name it. All these regular everyday people were all in this one building for the same reason. In this building no holds were barred. They shared life stories, laughter, tears and most importantly their fears. The things Dean was afraid to speak out loud could be said in this building without fear of someone else not understanding because they were all living the same fears.
Dean, Geoff and another man Tim went to a BC Lions football game together. The first CFL game Dean had ever seen live. None of them should have been in a building with 60,000 other people because of thier illness' but they went anyway and had an awesome time.
All the guys Dean got close to got to go home for short stints at different times. Geoff was the exception. He was done treatment and got to go home for good. The guys were so envious, it made the days remaining for them seem so much longer. This didn't last though and he was soon back and sicker than before he had left. He was put in the cancer ward. No longer was he well enough to be an out patient. He fought back though and recovered yet again at least enough to be an out patient.
In October when Dean came home Geoff had gone home too. He was still with Joyce and he was looking forward to reconnecting with his daughter. That was the last we heard of Geoff until last week.
"Geoff with a G" passed away in March after a very long battle with Leukemia.

The Brick Wall

2006-05-05T14:13:00.000-07:00

i remember as a preteen having to share a room with my step-sister who was 11m older than me. we didn't like each other and to be honest 25 years later we still don't care much for each other.
we didn't share friends... mine were all goody two shoes ... hers drank and played with drugs. we never left the house at the same time for the school bus because we didn't dare be seen together. at the summer pool we sat on opposite sides of the park to tan. we refused to share clothes or belongings. we would divide the chores between us so we didn't have to be in the same room together. she would fold laundry while i did dishes. i would weed the south end of the garden while she did the north end. we didn't share tastes in music... i liked duran duran she liked ac/dc.
what we did share was our bedroom. it was a normal sized bedroom in a 3bdrm house. my brother was lucky enough being a boy to have his own room. i had to share mine with Joyce.
we didn't have conventional beds in the room due to space constrictions so we slept on those single foamy chairs that fold out to a bed. we never thought to complain about this we actually thought it was kind of cool because when we had friends over we could stuff the sheets and quilts into the closet, close it and entertain in our room.
at some point, i don't recall when or even what caused it, Joyce and i had a huge falling out. living in the same room was not acceptable to either one of us anymore. because we had tennants in the basement neither of us could take refuge in the basement and the only other place left was the hen house full of over 100 chickens, that wasn't gonna work either.
my mother tired of the yelling and screaming that would take place every single day finally devised a plan to give us each our own space. built from decorative bricks and some finished wall shelving she made a bookshelf and planted it square in the middle of the room. the top two shelves were for joyce's stuff and the bottom two were mine.
suddenly we became territorial. more so than we had been before. if anything of mine touched anything of hers, there was a screaming match. if her laundry was on my section of carpet, there was a screaming match. if i needed something out of the closet, i had to ask permission. if she needed something out of the dresser, she had to ask permission. looking back now it was beyond ridiculous and i'm surprised our parents didn't kill us both.
Joyce got herself into big trouble with my parents, the school and the law that year and i got my room back when she went to live in a foster home. i got the room to myself once again.
Joyce and i could hear each other and could talk to each other when we were in the mood. we could see each other through those shelves and could even reach out and touch each other if we had wanted to. the wall was a symbolic seperation more than it was a real one but it increased the divide between us.
emotional walls remind me of that brick wall.
sometimes we all become overwhelmed with feelings and emotions that we have trouble comminicating to others. i am as guilty of this at times as others and i understand the strain it can put on a relationship. when you can't find the words to tell the person you love your inner most fears and concerns silence becomes loud.
the last week or so alot of information has flowed into this house about friends made during dean's treatments. some of the news has been good. more of it has been bad. there have been family members affected by illness and uncertainty regarding their treatments. this of course comes while i am still trying to recover physically and emotionally from my own circumstances.
added to the stress of the household including ex's not holding up to their parenting responsibilities, finances that are tight due to me not working, children having summer fever which seems to affect their ability to listen and the demands of Dean's job wanting him to work more and more hours, there seems to be an emotional wall between us.
i don't begin to understand what runs through the mind of my soulmate as he faces the loss of friends afflicted with the same disease that hangs over our life like a thundercloud threatening to release its fury at its own will. i can not understand what he lives with everyday knowing that one blood test could cause him to be ripped from our daily life in exchange for radical chemotherapy and bone marrow transplants. i don't worry that i might not be there for graduations and weddings and the future of my children like Dean has been forced to. i don't pretend to have walked a mile in shoes like his and i hope i never have too. he lives the life of a patient.
i do understand the guilt of being healthy when those you love and care about are not. i do understand that it is difficult to be on the sidelines at a complete loss to ease the pain and burden of the ones you love. i understand all to well the fear of the phone ringing and seeing that knowing number on the call display. i know the uncertainty of life and that it can be taken from us in a moment. i know the fear of facing a life without the person you love beside you everyday while you are left alone to greive. i know i would trade him places in a moment if i could spare him pain and anguish. i live the role of cargiver.
when Dean got sick back in june 05 i remember feeling the emotional wall for the first time. he was sitting in a wheelchair in a hospital gown with iv's running into his arm. he was in a hallway awaiting a test on his heart to ensure it was strong enough to endure the chemo through a hickman line. it was for me the first time i clearly saw him as sick. the day before he had been in jeans and a t-shirt as we went for dinner and visited with the kids. he was in an understandably foul mood. fear, anger, anxiety, pain among other things were getting the best of him and he closed up.
i tried to get him to talk to me to tell me what he was feeling, what was going through his mind. his reaction was anger, the only emotion he could grasp and use. i was hurt by his words yet understanding of their source. the silence that resulted was the loudest i have ever heard. there just inches from me was the man i wanted to spend the rest of my life with and his life was hanging by a thread. i couldn't reach him. i couldn't do anything but endure the silence as tears ran down both our faces. we did talk after time but it did take time.
we have had a few experiences like this in the last year. i close up too, i am not capable of saying those difficult things face to face any better than Dean is at times. when we were in different cities it was easier to communicate because there was 200 miles between our faces. most recently when going for surgery i needed to communicate my wishes incase something went wrong and i ended up on life support. try as i might i could not bring myself to talk to dean about it. today i could because it isn't imminent but 4 weeks ago there was no way.
i love this man and right now he is going through something i can't fully understand. he is silent because he can't formulate emotion to words for his own reasons. i lay beside him at night our backs turned to each other because even physical contact might open those wounds he is trying to heal. i fear the silence could become greater and hurt us both, yet i know that it is a silence that can only be understood by two people who understand each other.
i love you Dean

the final box.

2006-04-24T14:11:00.000-07:00

I have a new found sense of humour on menstral cycles and all that goes with them. It is dawning on me ever so quickly that I am period free. Sure it means I can't have anymore kids... who cares I can adopt if ever I lose my mind sufficiently enough to want another trip through diaper
alley. Fact is I will not be bleeding each month ever again. Woohoo.
So this morning I am reading about Coopy and her coupon clipping and I thought about the stock I still have in the bathroom. A full box of Tampax Super Plus (40pk).

I thought about sending it to Coop to save her having to buy 3 boxes to save 25 cents on the 4th box. Nah duty and excise would probably charge me a fortune to get them across the border.
So then I thought well I could just keep them under the sink so when we have company of the female persuasion and they are caught off guard they can snoop and find what they need. I can't tell you how horrible a feeling that is.
So then I thought well I could sell them on ebay and see just how much I can get for a box of unopened Tampons but again I figured shipping costs could be more than the trouble its worth.
I could take Jenna's advice and make plug-chucks from them and have mini ninja fights with the kids.
Of course this got me thinking about other things I could to with them... dye them different colors and tie them to the back window of my van like tassles and then buy some dice for the mirror.
I could make science experiments with the kids. Take different fluids like milk or pop or ice tea and soak the tampax in them and then weigh them and measure the amount of fluid that can be squeezed out of them based on the different density of each liquid.
I could use them in the bottom of my planters so that when i water there is some moisture retention for hot days. being bio-degradable they won't hurt anything.
I could use the cardboard tubes and paint faces on them like Carli did with clothes pins and the kids can use them with their cars and trucks. Run over them and squish them... yes our kids play morbidly at times. LOL they come by it naturally.
I could wrap the tubes in tissue paper and make them look like pretty candies and hang them on next years christmas tree.
I could cover the tampons in peanut butter and then roll them in honey and birdseed and put them in the trees for the birds. Oh how happy they would be to find cotton for their nest after eating all the goodies from the outside.
I wonder if they would help weight a kite like the one in the picture.
I could take them to the spca and let the local cats play with them like mice.
I could take one and have it bronzed like a pair of baby shoes and have my surgery date engraved on it and make it a family heirloom.
oh the possibilities...
Hey coop.... where was that coupon for I think I might be needing to buy some more tampax soon. :p
Some Menstral Humor :
A girl goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think there's something wrong me." "Why?" asks the doctor. "I saw on TV that when you use Tampax the fluid is blue, but mine is red!"
I was 11 years old when I started menstruating. I used tampons for months until the flow was really heavy. My mother suggested I use a pad, so I did. A day or two later she asked how the pads were working out. I said, "Pretty good, but they really hurt when you rip them off." My mother, being the understanding woman that she is, said, "You idiot! You're suppose to stick them onto your panties, not yourself!!"
My sister was all of four, or five, when my father came home one day to find her sliding quite skillfully across the marble floor of the hall in her bare feet. When questioned, she showed him her new "slippers" that she had discovered under the sink in my parent's bathroom. She had peeled the backing off the adhesive on the Kotex pads and stuck them to her feet!

2006-04-23T14:10:00.000-07:00

Sunday is usually a day of chaos here because we have Dean's step daughter and all the kids home. If Alysia is at her mother's it means one of us has to stay home to be sure someone is home when she decides to finally roll around and drop her off. The woman has no regard for anyone but herself.
Sunday is Dean's first day off each week as he works Saturdays so we usually have lots of running around to do and it can be quite harrowing with all the kids in tow. Dan and Savannah are both involved in Navy League if there are fundraisers Sunday is the day they are usually booked for.
Sunday's sometimes mean dinner at his mom and dad's or it could mean dinner here with or without them depending on the mood the adults are in.
Sunday is laundry and bedroom detail, yardwork and lawns.
Sunday is busy.
Today is Sunday...
Dean is off to the storage unit with Alysia to move the last of my apartment which was in a 8 x 10 unit to a 10x 15 unit. Furniture is already moved but the boxes still remain and of course I can't assist right now.
Daniel and Savannah are out of town for a drill and first aid competition with Navy League and won't be home til after dinner.
Andrew and Keygan are comparing what easter treats remain hoping I will tell them they can have more chocolate to sustain their energy levels.
I am sitting on the couch... my new permanant place in life at least for another few weeks and I am wondering what I can do from my perch.
I can't do the laundry as I am not allowed to take the wet clothes from the washer and put them in the dryer. I can't clean bedrooms as I am not allowed to twist or bend or contort in the ways necessary to pick up, search, and seek the toys that 3 little boys have left strewn over floors or under dressers and behind matresses. I can't put the clean dishes away as I am not allowed to stretch up to the top shelf where our dishes reside. I need to reorganize the bottom cupboards in the kitchen but because they are filled with all the heavier pots, pans, pyrex and crockpots Dean would throw a fit if he came home to find it done.
So I am left with what I can do... I can read blogs....get writing people I am caught up already. I can watch TV ... and I thought weekday tv sucked. I can finish my book ... my new glasses await me picking them up tommorrow when Dean can drive me there. I can keep crocheting the queen size afghan I am making for our bed... ever sat with a quilt on your lap in the middle of a hot day.
I can quit complaining and be thankful for busy Sundays full of family and fun. I can quit complaining that I am frustrated at the things I can't do. I can quit complaining that I am stuck at home on the couch in a house filled with love and caring. I can quit complaining that I don't feel 100% just yet because each day gets a bit easier.
I will enjoy the fact that my life is full of family, friends, compassion and caring.
I will be grateful that my family is healthy and strong and that with my recovery will come a new feeling of energy and well being.
I will look around my home see the dirt and be happy that I have a home that can get dirty.
now where the hell is the remote?

What I Won't Miss

2006-04-21T14:08:00.000-07:00

Just a quick pick me up LMAO
dark pants/shorts on summer days
having to check under the sink for stock
cramps
waking up in the middle of the night feeling the creep of blood
running for the bathroom at the spur of a moment
stocking up the purse
the kids getting into them and padding the walls
the cat getting into them and chasing them like mice
fearing spotting when out at a friends
going without sex for a week each month
fearing being late
the cost of pregnancy tests
ruined clothing
Hey ya know I could get used to this :P

The house

2006-04-20T14:08:00.000-07:00

Since I was first in hospital almost 3 weeks ago I have been sleeping restlessly and have been plauged by nightmares. (and sexual dreams that have had nothing to do with Dean what is up with that?... perhaps that is for another blog)
The nightmares have all been based on the death of family members and my children and as you can imagine they are pretty damn frightening. Unlike most nightmares these don't wake me with a start, instead I wake gently and the dream fades away without causing me conscious anxiety. The only image left behind form these dreams seems to be a house and its yard.
The body of the dream fades but this house is haunting me. It is the same house with every dream although bits of it seem to change with each dream. I wish I could draw a 3d image and try and put it all together in a drawing.
Awake this house seems to be bits and pieces of all the houses I have ever lived in or spent large amounts of time in. The rooms are all dark though and the walls unfinished in raw wood. There is little rhyme or reason to the layout of the house itself but the basement is always part of the dream.
The landscaping for the backyard is layered. A taste of all styles in a steep sloping yard the top level of which is contemporary concrete work with a concrete inlaid pool filled with crystal blue water (yes i dream in full color) . The next level isn't level at all it is a rolling hill covered in vivid green grass. Then a forest of trees dark green, so dense that a path has been cut through them leading down to the final level of the back yard. A beach covered in pristine white sand. Large driftwood logs provide a place to sit and relax while looking over open water that laps against the shore. Sometimes there is a breeze on the water and other times it is as calm as the feelings I have upon awakening knowing that my family is safe and sound in their beds awaiting the dawn of a new day.
I am emotional lately and I suppose that emotion and all its fears are seeping into my dreams. The events of the last few weeks have all happened so rapidly that I still haven't absorbed them all. A very good friend said to me yesterday that is is amazing how different a place I was in just 10 days ago. Awaiting surgery and the anxiety that went with that.
I am past the surgery and into recovery and facing the anxieties that go with that. Nevermind the inability to sneeze, laugh. or cry without intense pain. LOL Recovery is going slow and steady and as long as I remember I am fallable I seem to be alright. Walked a little too much yesterday and I am paying for it today.
I want to thank all of you for your well wishes and support over the last few weeks. I can't tell you how nice it is to have friends like all of you. Each of you took time to reassure me and to give me that emotional support that you can only get from true friends. Once again it has been proven that yahoo isn't all immaturity and stupidity.
If you don't see me around it is because my MOM and DEAN have instructed me to rest. I have to listen to them or Dean will tie me to the bed and it won't be the fun kind of tie down and if i still don't listen he will sick my mother on me and ya know what.... she scares me. LOL
Love and Hugs
Susan

Anticipation of the unknown...

2006-04-11T14:06:00.000-07:00

I kept myself busy today each time i slowed down i forced myself to get up once more and get my body busy so i wouldn't have time to think. tonight i chatted with my closest friends and let them know that tomorrow i will prolly need them close for moral support. then i watched some tv not that i was paying to much attention to it.
Dean and i went to bed at 11pm school and work tomorrow so we have to be up early. i lay down, close my eyes and it starts. my eyes fill with saline my pillow gets all wet and i can't rightly explain why. ok i can but i tell myself that if i voice my thoughts aloud someone other than me is going to tell me i am just being ridiculous.
truth be told im terrified.
i know that a hysterectomy is routine these days and 1 in 4 women end up having one at some point in their lives and i know that although it is major surgery my risk level is pretty low for complications or otherwise but i can't help think what if...
sure i have had medical procedures before and even been put under a half dozen times but this time is different. this is major surgery. the ramifications of that word major haven't gone un-noticed in this little brain.
i am going to ramble here cause there is no collective reasoning to the thoughts in my head at this point. i am hoping letting it all flow will ease some of these monsters that are chasing me as soon as i hit the pillow.
first and foremost i want to be here on earth where i can see my kids grow up. where i can spend time with dean loving him as we grow old together. i want to see graduations and weddings and grandchildren and i am scared of the possibility no matter how slight it is that i could miss all that.
heaven forbid something go wrong but not deadly wrong i don't want to be living on support of machines and modern medicine. that isn't a life and it is definately not the exsistance i would want. hmmm will this stand up in court? :P ok bad humour but im trying here.
now that the irrational is out of the way ...
reality... I am going to pull through just fine as they say and when i wake up i am going to be in agony. the nurses... thank god for them... will offer me drugs and more drugs to help me through the next few hours and days so the pain doesn't kill me. this said i don't know how well im gonna do with the pain drugs or not. i am afraid of the pain because i imagine it will be far worse than labour or any kidney infection or stone known to woman or man. i am not afraid to ask for pain meds but i do fear the dependance of them.
recovery... i don't do nothing well. i don't like to be a burden to others and i like to be independant not relying on others to do things for me. call it stubborn pride or maybe just plain stupidity but i feel guilt when i can be of help to those around me but i have never learned to graciously accept their help in return. 6 weeks recovery and i am told that for the first two i will be able to do nothing to contribute to the parenting of the kids or the running of the house. that causes me huge guilt knowing dean will be working full time and will have to juggle 4 kids and me never mind meals and laundry all while i sit and watch.
as i just explained i don't do nothing well. i know me and i will push it trying to healthy faster than i really am and i would like to know how to avoid that. i mean how much damage could taking the laundry out of the washer cause? appearantly a whole lot. i intend to heed to the dr's warnings but i also know me and that will be easier said than done.
i won't have an income for a few weeks. now this isn't a problem finacially i have provisions set aside just in case so no donations needed thanks :P i have not however not had my own income in more years than i can remember. yes there were times during pregnancy's and such that i didn't work but i had unemployment insurance or maternity leave to cover those times. even if it ws only a few hrs a week i have worked pretty much since i was 13 and the idea that i won't have income for any length of time is a little eerie.
appearance... now you prolly don't know this about me... maybe you do... but im not high maintenance in the fashion side of the world. i don't wear make-up my hairstyle is my own and i don't much care about current fashion so long as i look alright when i leave the house. ok there are times when i don't care about that even... recalls late night trips to safeway in pj's and slippers. I do however care about my figure. not my weight lets face it im at a weight that doesn't want to move up or down and im ok with that. i am not ok with the idea that my torso figure might change as i have come to a pretty comfortable agreement with my looks after all the kids i had. vanity? you betcha besides the whole scar idea isn't sitting to well either even if it won't be publically viewed.
emotional... this one is still up in the air depends if i get to keep the ovaries or not. if i do great i get a few more years to adjust to the idea of menopause. if i don't then i will be slammed into menopause with just a few slices of a scalpel. I will deal with that bridge if i have to cross it. of course there is still the emotional upheaval that i won't be having more kids. now being realistic here dean and i have 5 between us plus his step daughter and our hands are full we won't be having more kids. he had the V done anyway so there wasn't much chance of it happening to begin with. however... there is the option, the choice to have more and that is being taken away from me. does it mean im not a woman anymore... no just means i am a woman who can't possibly concieve anymore and i don't like that the option won't be there.
rumour... i have heard there is a possibility that i could lose my sex drive. this is a bigger issue than it should be for me. dean and i talked about it briefly and he said if it happens it happens. it happened to him with chemo and we knew it probably would. if i lose that ddrive for a few months no big deal but i have been doing a lot of reading and for some it never comes back. i am in my damn prime thank you very much and i like that i am. i don't want to lose that now. i don't want to be the partner who is never in the mood or feels like it is an obligation to the relationship.
i know most of this crap is probably unfounded and in a few weeks will all be behind me but right now it is right here on this little brain driving me crazy.
dean ran down the logical last night for me... i will have surg... i will wake up in pain... they will give me pain meds... i will rest and take it easy for a few weeks... i will be itching to get back to work by the end of may.
hes right that is exactly how it will go but because i am analytical and obsess about things i have to obsess about this. combined with this week's brutal pms you can imagine how i am feeling... well you can if your a woman i suppose. for the guys substitue your fav sports team losing their final post season playoff game it feels the same LOL
its all going to go well and all my fears will be laid to rest in a few days. Surg is wed sometime if they can fit me on the emergency roster. i await the call that says we got room get here asap.
kinda ironic really. i will have the bag packed for the hospital just waiting for the call. kinda like waiting for that first labour pain or the water to break.
i want you all to know i appreciate your love, your friendship, and your prayers and i only wish i could give back to you what you have all given me the last couple weeks in support.
if i don't talk to you before surg, wish me well and keep me in your prayers i will be home in a few days and i will be looking for all of you.
love and hugs
Susan

A 4 part Saga

2006-04-05T14:01:00.000-07:00

Well I guess you guys have all wondered what the hell happened to me over the last week and why I haven't been around. Have I got a story to tell you... its long so make sure you have some time to read it i will break it into blogs this last actually being the first so you can read it in sections if you prefer.
BY THE WAY IN CASE I DON'T TELL YOU OFTEN ENOUGH. I LOVE EACH OF YOU FOR BEING SUCH A SPECIAL PART OF MY LIFE AND BEING AWAY FROM YOU AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH YOU THE LAST WEEK HAS REALLY SHOWN ME HOW MUCH. WE ALL NEED ALL THE FRIENDS WE HAVE AND MY FRIENDS, MY TRUE FRIENDS ARE ONLINE AND WHEN FOR WHATEVER REASON YOUR CONNECTION TO THEM IS LOST YOU REALLY REALIZE HOW MUCH YOU RELY ON THEM IN BIG AND SMALL WAYS EVERY SINGLE DAY.
I will start the story with the week we went to see my mom and dad back in the middle of March. Part of the way through the trip I started having trouble with my kidney's. I thought it was just because I had been sittin gin the van for too long. you know how it is hours of driving with 5 children in the van can make any healthy person feel crappy. in honesty though i had some tenderness in my right kidney but after a couple of good nights sleep I was feeling fine.
fast forward two weeks to Monday March 27th when Dean and I were goofing around in the kitchen. being the guy he is he likes to prove that he is the MAN of the house and exerts upon me his strength. He likes to remind me that though we might be the same height and weight : he is stronger than me. well monday night he decided to prove this to me by wrapping his arms around my waist and picked me up about a foot off the ground and jarred me up and down till i begged him to stop laughing my ass off the entire time. he wasn't hurting me but the next morning i had the same kindey pain i experienced at my mom's while we were away.
off to work tuesday and my usual nap after work. i was still tender into the evening but just figured i had bruised the kidney pretty good. wednesday morning i was sore and stiff and after work i came straight home and told dean i was going to nap for a few hours. that was 3pm. at 12:30pm I got up had a drink and a smoke and went back to bed. I didn't wake again until the alarm went off at 4:15am. Thursday was a good day at work my pain was pretty minor and i figured I was well on my way to recovery. boy was i wrong!
friday i woke up with the same pain i had suffered wednesday but stubborn me off to work i went. ya know it was only a bruised kidney only a wimp would call in sick.
doubled over in pain i walked out of work at the end of my shift. sitting was an ok thing but walking was agony. i came home told dean i was going to nap for a couple hours and if he could wake me in time to go to the night clinic i would appreciate it. he woke me took one look at me and said we are going with you. thank heaven for small miracles.
after registering at the clinic we went for dinner then went back to the clinic. i peed in a container and saw the dr. his words... you got kidney stones (gio i really sympathize now) and a severe bladder infection. straight to the er for you i want them to do an ultrasound. tell them i sent you. ....
3 hours of waiting in the er waiting room in total discomfort that was far worse than any labour i ever went through my name was called. this is where the fun really started. peed in a cup... went for a ct scan of my kidney... got a needle jabbed into my wrist so they could replenish my fluids ( i had not had a drink in about 7 hrs and had a fever to boot)... had two more needles, one jabbed into my arm one into the back of my hand so they could take blood and cultures.
Andrew my nurse rose to sainthood in my eyes when he brought the morophine :) thank god for modern medicine. finally some relief from my pain and relief from the chaos around me i slept. time loses all quantum structure after this point.
dean came and went then came back then went again. no point in him sitting around all night while his parents had the kids and there was nothing he could do for me. god love him he will pay me back for going to the casino while i waited to go into er. after breaking even he came back and checked in on me again. the dr had been in to talk to me during that time and said there were no visible stones casing any blockage but that i had a very bad infection and would need antibiotics. dean and i discussed if he should stay or go and since we knew i would be there till prolly 2-3am we decided it would be best for him to go home and let his parents get home to bed and if need be i would call him to come get me in the middle of the night.
they got my blood results back and decided they were admitting me. i called dean about 1am to let him know i would call him in the morning. during the night i was moved to an overflow ward and i joked with the guy moving my gurney that i didn't think this was a very funny april fools day joke.
coherent the next morning i was still in a lot of pain but the morophine order was for the er only so i suffered with only tylenol to ease my pain. it didn't. the gp came in to see me and told me the real story of why i had been admitted. seemed my blood results were of great concern and in esscence i was bleeding to death but they didn't know where from. (now they didn't come out and say this flat out but lets face it boys and girls, Dean and I know more about blood after all we went through this summer than most doctors and nurses do and Dean's gp even said so himself.)
here is some facts... normal red blood cells (hemoglobin) in a healthy person 120-140 whatever the measurement is ppm i think. The number that caused the team that dealt with dean to decide that a blood transfusion was necessary 80ppm. this chicks hemoglobin saturday morning when the dr came to see her.... 66. it was 71 the night before. you see the cause for concern?
had you seen me you would have seen the problem right off i was grey according to those around me not pink and perky like usual :))
gp also said i had a secondary infection throughout my system causing concern including the kidney infection that needed to be dealt with immediately.
now this story gets very confusing so i am going to recap along the way just so i don't lose you. fri-sat morn... I have possible stones, don't have stones do have kidney infection, also losing blood faster than it can be replaced, and a secondary infection seperate from both the kidneys and the blood loss. the entire time i have a fever of 39-39.5c for you yanks that is about 101-102f which finally broke about 10am
so whats causing the blood loss. possibly the kidney is shutting down. possibly a bleeding ulcer causing internal bleeding, possibly my menstrual cycles. we will have to determine that with some tests but first we need to deal with the infections and get you a blood transfusion... NOW.
why the urgency? well there are a few reasons... the lack of oxygen carried in such a small amount of blood is hard on all my organs. as is the lack of clean blood to clean the organs along the trip. the risk of heart attack is huge because my heart is pumping no less than twice as hard as it should be because there is less to pump it has to pump it more often. if i start bleeding because of a fall or a cut there is a high risk that i will really bleed to death even if the cut is small because there is 0 reserve at this point.

part 2
its noon saturday. my blood has been type and cross matched and there are 3 units waiting to be infused by iv. the procedure for this is to check vital signs. start transfusion. continue to monitor vitals every 15 min for first hour. if no reaction speed up the infusion and monitor every hour. blood must be infused within 4 hrs of start time or it starts to go bad. the plan is to infuse 3 units over 12 hrs. nurse puts the blood pressure cuff on my arm blood pressure a little high but not too much concern. check the oxygen level... so far so good its 98% which is great. put the thermometer in my mouth.... stop everything FEVER 39.4
TRANSFUSION STOPPED BEFORE IT EVEN STARTS
nothing we can do but wait. they move me to the floor that has since become home.. 3south the maternity, gynocology ward. iv antibiotics continued along with more tylenol than you can shake a stick at and still that damn fever persisted until almost 7pm saturday night. dean was in to see me in the morning and again in the evening which helped break the monotany but i did so much sleeping time really passed without my noticing it go by. i talked to mom and she said they would be here sunday sometime. i called dad and he was having guests for dinner so he would have to call me back. told him sorry dad you can't call me back im in hospital and i don't know for how long and to be honest no i am not ok. ( i can voice it out loud now but couldn't then. there was a real risk i might not make it through another night if they couldn't get that blood into me) talked to dad for a few minutes and he promised to call me after his guests had left. : he did call back at 10:30pm
I slept with the aid of morophine again saturday night as my pain was still scoring a 10 out of 10 more often than it wasn't. I did sleep well and felt a bit better by morning. perhaps the antibiotics were beginning to work.
sunday morning I awoke with medium pain in my kidneys and major pain in my stomach. I knew what this pain was and knew well enough saturday night that it was coming. i told the nurse... you better talk to the gp you guys have given me enough tylenol that the ulcer is moments away and sure enough sunday morning proved I was right. gp came in again sunday morning we talked about the internist that was coming to see me and the upcoming tests. i asked him if i was going to see a nefferologist (kidney specialist) he said yes but he is on holidays right now so it will wait a few days in the mean time the internist will get things started. (coop you would like the internist hes cute. i thought of you when i did my own evaluation of him;) ) he ordered tests for monday morning and said we seriously need to look into my history with my menstral cycles because it quite possibly was the root of all this evil.
sunday after breakfast was blood transfusion time. for any of you that have only heard the stories of hp c and aids being transfused with blood let me reassure you that is a thing of the past. blood is screen so very thouroughly now that the risk for getting any disease from a transfusion is lower than the odds of being struck by lighting, having the plane your on crash, or being the winner of the superball lottery. i feel very assured knowing that i am getting safe blood.
so it begins the routine again. blood pressure, oxygen, temperature all is good.....5 min in... temp up 1c 15min later 2c by 30 min i have a raging fever and holy hannah does all hell break loose in the room. pumps are stopped blood is pulled from the rails. my veins are frantically flushed with saline as fast as they can get it into me. the blood is rushed to the lab to be checked and rechecked. the lab tach comes to take blood to ensure i haven't build up antibodies preventing further transfusion. i am given more antibiotics and more tylenol and ibuprophen and the deal is off for another day. by now we are all very concerned that if they don't get this blood into me soon i am going to have some major problems. its obvious I am NOT going home today.
mom and dennis arrived and what a blessing and relief to see them they stayed til dinner. seeing mom no matter how sick i am always makes me feel better. i can tell i am not looking good though by her face and my fear intensifies with hers as the day wears on. at this point we really aren't sure what direction this is all taking and we still weren't sure i was going to make it. poor dean had nightmare thoughts filling his mind day and night and god bless him i couldn't reassure him cause i was just as scared as he was. his parents have been a great help watching the kids every day a couple hours morning and night so dean can come see me and just be here for me. he feels guilty he can't be here as much as i was there for him but i didn't have the kids to be concerned with only him when he was in hospital. hes trying to keep the house and kids together, keep me sane and in the hospital since all i want to do is leave and to add to it his first day back to work is teusday.
recap:Saturday afternoon - Sunday Bedtime
still suffering a kidney infection, the blood transfusion still hasn't happened and my blood is still precariously low, my pain is almost manageable but not quite, morophine is still my drug of choice at bedtime, added to the problems already present... an ulcer. good news second fever broke after dinner. boys came to see me with dean after dinner. they miss thier mommy and they are pretty scared. told them i will be ok but i still don't know if that is true myself.

part 3
Monday morning day 3 in the hospital.
its about 5 am i have awoken in a total sweat and have come to the realization that not only did i break yet another fever but i have almost broken (pulled out) the iv in my wrist. the tubing connected to it is standing at a 90 degree angle to my wrist. i page the nurse... we need to fix this now... oh no we will just tape it... no you see this has moved we need to fix it and then retape it... nope she tapes it and out she goes. i have had enough of these things that i know i have a problem and if i don't baby this thing i am going to have to get another one. NOT an option in my books.
about 5 min later i get up to go pee. as i walk past the door to the hall the nurse steps in said door. now people i scare easy and when i scare i scare bad. well furk me this woman almost gave me a heart attack and in my condition this really isn't hard. my heart jumps, i grab the iv tower to stop from crashing to the ground and am instantly in a panic attack. tears are pouring down my face, my breath is coming in short gasps and i can't talk. the nurse says in her oh so fucking sweet voice... i was standing right there didn't you see me? obviously you dumb bitch i didn't see you or you wouldn't have scared me when you moved... all i said was no i didn't see you. you scared me half to death... into the bathroom for a pee that now is desperate. how i held bladder control through that im still not sure.
First thing in comes the gp. We talked for a bit really not much to say since the blood isn't in yet and the tests haven't been run. I do have stones however. 2 of them little guys that aren't in the way of causing any problems and were not the cause of this current flare up. They are in the kidney cavity and will be just fine there for now if they become a problem we will look at what needs to be done with them later. the tests will show them the sizes and from there we can make some choices.
nothing to eat or drink before the tests at 8:40 i can handle this... off i go for a shower... you need so humour about now i am sure and heres where you get some. picture first the shower stall. its like the high school gym privacy shower stalls you know the one the nerd always used cause he was afraid the jocks would pants him if he used the other one and god forbid he wasn't getting naked in front of the whole class to shower... a small cubicle about 3ft wide and in total including shower and change area maybe 7ft deep. there is a bench for the dry clothes and a metal bathroom style stall door with a typical bathroom lock on it ( this is moot as you will soon see) the tiled shower stall is raised about 3 inches and the vinyl shower curtain pulls across between change area and shower.
now picture me. im still in pain, a lot of it and im dragging behind me this dancing partner with 6 feet, all of them left. my partner is still attached precariously to my wrist although the morning nurse did help me fix all the mess the night nurse made of it. said wrist is covered with a proctologist glove and taped tight above my wrist so as not to get water into the iv site. i walk into the stall first knowing i have to get the furthest into it since the shower is on the back wall. i turn to bring in my dancing parnter. he won't fit. i can get most of him in the door but not enough to close the door and certainly not enough to lock it. now normally i wouldn't care if there was a nurse assisting me but there isn't im on my own. i haven't seen any men on this floor but that doesn't mean one isn't going to be coming for a shower at the same time i am. (i have since confirmed there are no men except new dad's on this floor no male patients) so i jimmy into the stall as best i can and do what i can to give myself some privacy from the main doors as i get undressed.
fighting to get my gown off which not only is tied at the back but also has snaps on the tops of the sleeves to accomodate iv lines with only one hand was a sight to behold I am sure. this procedure alone took me a good 5 min. finally i get into the shower and struggle with the tap for the right tempurature and get wet. 3 days of yuck melt away from my skin as i singlehandedly (literally) scrub the dirt sweat and tears from my pallid skin. seeing my torso i realized for myself just how sick i was. grey really isn't a good shade for my hair... its even worse for my skin. I washed my hair and just soaked for a few letting some of the tension wash away with the hot water it felt good to be clean again. hospital towels suck. they are way too little. they are way to thin. struggling to dry off, not fall on the tiled floor, hold the door kinda shut and get dressed was a challange but i did it. wrapped up my hair in the soaking towel because it was too wet to towel dry my hair and headed back to my room.
walk in the door and the hospital porters were waiting for me. now I know the one girls name is mary shes been around a while and is training (ill call her) Jane. Jane is not new to the hospital she used to work in kitchens but shes new to the porter job. all they do in an eight hour day is fetch and return patients. mary, jane both seem to love this job. they laugh and giggle the whole trip there and eventually the whole trip back. they ask how you are feeling and how long you figure you will be in hospital. i give them the cursory i am great but could be better and longer than i planned. they chuckle and drop me off at ultra sound.
few minutes to read and they come get me. the thing i hate most about an ultrasound is the gel they use. its goopy and its either too fucking cold or too fucking hot. this woman has to look at my entire abdomen and she puts enough of this crap on me for 18 people. the test goes fine when shes done she hands me a face cloth and says all done wipe up and the porters will be here to take you to nucleaer in a few. out she goes. now this face cloth was NOT going to come close to getting this goop off me. she got it all over the bottom of my gown and when i asked for a new one she says we don't have the kind for iv here : bitch : so i used 4 of her face cloths just to get the crap off me and another 2 to get the crap off my gown so i wouldn't freeze. as if you don't already lose enough dignity in a hospital gown that she can't do her best not to make it look like you peed all over it too!
over to nuclear. these techs were much nicer. ya gotta get your bladder full so drink these two glasses of water and read for 30 min we will be back to get you. ok i can do this. 20 min later my sore kidney is screaming and my tender bladder is full. 10min after that im floating and the tech comes back. she says ok now go pee and then we can get started. this part didn't make sense to me but ok. i enter the room with the big machine and she says lay here please. this here she pointed at looked like it was as wide as a dug out bench on a baseball field but with a butt curve in it. not the most comfortable thing to lay on. this thing is so narrow they have to tuck boards under your back to put your arms on cause there is no place for your arms to rest. so i attempt to get comfy as she tucks a pillow under my knees and says do your best to get comfy cause this picture takes 30 minutes to do and you can't move.... omfg this is a joke of some kind. i have major kidney pain going on and you lay me flat on my back and tell me not to move...
i didn't move... she woke me up when it was all over LOL
porters giggle me back to my room and i finally get to eat breakfast. cereal and fresh fruit. the warm cheese scone was cold and looked more than disturbing. the lady beside me a 30 something yr old mom of two who has just had recontructive anterior and posterior repair tells me i have missed my mom and dennis and Dean. :( I was gone 2.5 hrs. I know mom will be back but Dean had a very busy day ahead i prolly won't see him now till after dinner.
mom and dennis came back just before lunch and just before the nurse came in to administer an iron shot. I don't know if any of you have ever had one of these before and if you haven't I suggest you thank your lucky stars. They fucking hurt. The stuff in the syringe is as thick as molasses and is put into either hip or thigh muscle and let me tell you it burns. she put it into my hip and that crap slowly oozed its way down my upper thigh and into my calf and instantly every muscle it came in contact with tensed up like it had been on a treadmill.
Lunch arrived not long after i got the shot and I finally had an appetite to eat. Salmon with dill sauce rice and veggies... it wasn't bad considering it was hospital cooked. time to start blood transfusion attempt number 3. run through all the prep work no fever check bp check oxygen check its a go. this time i get benadryl and tylenol first. makes me sleepy quick. iv starts...temp good... temp good...temp good... open the lines full speed get it in there. i get bag one done woohoooo.
now i slept through most of this but mom and dennis and the student nurse Jodi didn't. instead they watched the blood and watched me sleep... and made fum on me. apperantly ever since i was a kid i have had a habit of sitting up in bed, opening my eyes, looking around, seeing nothing of intrest i lay back down and go back to sleep never having really woken up. I did this all afternoon and they had a great laugh. then i got too hot and i kicked off my covers. the afternoon entertainment became watching my big toe twitch and then my baby toe.... parents ... small things amuse them ::))
second unit of blood starts. now this means changing all the lines and starting fresh so there is no contamination and it also means starting the vital sign process again. again i seem to be tolerating this blood except for one small problem... remember the iv i pulled last night? it has developed a leak. little bits of blood are trickling from the iv site and i have told the nurses i am starting to have pain at that area. i have promised them i will tolerate the pain as long as i can so we can get this bag done and then get the iv out. i know they won't replace it if only i can get through this bag. 4 hours that is all i need to survive.
2 hours in im done. i have been living with pain in my wrist and 10/10 for over an hour and there is no way i can do another 2 hours. they will have to pull this iv and restart it. they call the dr. yes restart it she needs the blood.
out comes the tray.
now before i explain this to you i want to mention the fact that for the last 3 days the only place they have been able to TAKE blood from is the back of my right hand using a butterfly needle into a syringe and then into a cultures bottle or test tube because there is no way they can find a viable vein to take a large enough needle for a vacu-tainer. this is the same manner in which they draw blood from children and my hand looks like a dot to dot puzzle averaging 2 sticks a day for the last 4 days. it is also bruised from two veins that exploded as soon as they were pierced.
sheila gets tries 1 and 2. first try... lower arm about 4 inches above the wrist. in it goes smooth not too much pain and then the vein dissappears. gone. evaded impact like an f15 fighter jet. second try ... back of right hand that has been so generous over the last few days. she gets it. loses it. cant get it again. gets it. turns on iv at a trickle... back of my hand fills with fluid.. its slipped from capture like an escaped convict.
heather gets tries number 3 and 4. 3rd try... wrist bone on right hand. in it goes. this one hurts. im trying not to cry like a baby. she moves the needle going for the kill on a swimming eel. my tears flow and im trying not to scream. shes got it shes sure. i tell her she hasn't. shes says she does. she turns the iv on full out. im screaming and crying and can't breath. total anxiety attack and my wrist is swollen an inch within 4 seconds. she pulls the iv and the saline is going everywhere. this is comical to those watching but im hysterical and really just want to die now. 4th try. she eyes the one good vein on my right hand. its on the knuckle of my index finger. she says ill try this one. i look her dead in the eye and say you will not this is painful enough without you making it worse by using a bad location. she moved to the back of the left hand. deep breath in 4th try. forget dignity, vanity, or even courtesy to my roommates im screaming that it hurts and i have had enough. i am completely hysterical now and it takes almost an hour to compose myself again when this is all done. 4th attempt does as the other 3 have and at this point im no longer patient. im done. they call the dr. fine leave it out we will re-evaluate tomorrow.
My saving grace walked in the door 5 min after all this BS happened and when he saw me he knew i just needed him to hold me and let me cry. we went outside and i composed myself a bit and we shared our days. we talked of our fears and what was happening and where we were going with dr's and tests and so forth. his first day back to work in the morning. how the kids were dealing. who he had talked to and what he had accomplished for the day. it was good just to visit. it was good to have him here where i could hold him, hug him and just feel his love. EPOMLEPOY SOULMATE
recap: Monday full day
got in a shower finally, ultrasound and nuclear scan. 1.5 units of blood in. iv OUT! new IV attempts failed. a nice evening with Dean :) pain minimal by evening. no morophine needed for bed. still got the ulcer taking meds for it. still no causes for the blood loss or kidney infection but OB/GYN should be in first thing tues morn for consult. fever free the whole day.

part 4
Tuesday - Day 4 in the Hospital
Can I just go home now?
5am good morning world i have almost NO pain. go pee. look in mirror... :O I have color in my face and my eyes aren't drawn and yellow :D
8am good morning world again... LOL too dark to read at 5am and didn't want to wake the neighbours. might as well go back to sleep. This time I am up for the day. The nurses are buzzing around me as breakfast is brought in. This morning its fresh fruits and cereal. I ate my fruits, gotta keep things moving after all that blood and iron.
the ob/gyn came in asked a zillion questions and it looks like we found the blood loss. i have been losing more blood each month than my body has been able to rebuild. many of you know the history and that 3 yrs ago i had a dnc after many tests and procedures all with the goal of trying to stem the flow of my periods. i bleed long and heavy each month and though my periods are regular and mostly painless the loss of blood causes me to become very weak and tired every month.
the ob/gyn decided after talking to me for about 10 minutes that the only option left to us was a vaginal hysterectomy this is good news because it means no external incisions and recovery time is about 2 weeks quicker. this was something i had asked about a number of years ago but because of my age they were hesitant even though i was done having kids. instead they offered birth control options to try and tie me over till the age of menopause. well furk that i would rather bleed than keep messing with drugs.
wednesday april 12th is the day! they are concerned that if they don't get the uterus out before my next period that i will be put into worse shape by my next period than i was after the last one. that would mean more transfusions and more risk to my organs and life in general. so next wednesday it is. i don't have all the details yet on surgery time, recovery time or how long i will be in hosp and off work but those details will come. right now its just a huge relief knowing that i will recover and that i will not have to worry about my periods causing me to be so anemic any more.
mom and dennis arrived and not long after them the gp. he didn't have much news for me except to say i was going to go for another ultrasound at 2pm this one for my uterus. he also ordered fluconozale for me because the anti-biotics had caused a yeast infection. oh goody! the good news... they weren't going to try and replace the iv again. i prolly got enough blood from the transfusions and the blood they would take today would tell them if that were true.
mom and dennis stayed and visited with me until about 11am when they had to head home so they could both get back to work wednesday morning. they will never know how grateful i am to them for having been here the last few days. just knowing they were close at hand and when i opened my eyes from a nap somehow made me feel better.
blood tests again but only cbc's this time. finally we would get to see what the result of the blood transfusions that took 3 days to give.
I grabbed a nap before lunch arrived and felt very refreshed when my soup and sandwich arrived at noon.
dean came to see me after his first 1/2 day back to work :) god i love seeing him walk into the room. he lights up my life every moment we are together. i know he hasn't been able to be here as much this week as he would like to have been and i have been away from him and the kids much longer than i ever anticipated i would be when i got here friday night. i can't wait to get home and curl up in his arms as we go to bed the first night i am home and just snuggle into him and breath his scent and feel his love surrounding me.
dean left as the porters mary, jane wheeled me to ultra-sound with my full bladder. i got into the room and the tech gets me all settled gets the gel on my belly and says... your bladder is too full you will have to go pee and we will need to to an internal ultra sound. : so i go pee and come back. this woman is primed and ready with this bulbous wand thingy. over the top of it is an industrial condom and jelly. now this thing does not look like anything other than a strange sex toy but appearantly it is an ultra sound wand. so i assume the position... butt and hips raised above my shoulders which are flat on the bed. legs apart, feet flat on the other end of the bed. holy furk the jelly is cold, of all the places not to use the cold stuff this has to be number 1. few clicks and pics later i was all done and on my way back upstairs.
my step-mom called... oh how it can be hard to love this woman. she has her nose so far up in the air you sometimes wonder how she can see in front of her. well she has decided to keep apprised of what is going on with me by calling and talking to the nurses rather than listening to me. now im sure if you are still reading this that you can tell that the blood issue is priority 1 and the kidney infection is priority 2. well she thinks otherwise so has made it her job to tell me what dr's i should be seeing and who the dr's i am already seeing really are and what their credentials are. and shes totally wrong. so she calls talks to the nurses. gets total mis-information then talks to me and feeds me this bs telling me i don't know what i am talking about. hello who do you think is sitting in the hospital? me? or her? so i called my mom later in the evening told her she better call dad and get this shit sorted out i wasn't going to stand for it any longer and im not in the frame of mind to deal with her just yet.
I called dean to vent about patti and her ways and heard the kids playing in the yard behind him as he and his dad were working on the shed. hearing them play in a group always makes me smile. there is nothing as sweet as children playing with nothing but thier imaginations in the sun.
hemoglobin came back at 84. major risk factor averted for the time being. :)
dean's mom and dad came to see me tuesday night and they brought me the laptop a saving grace as i got to finally sort through all that has happened with words. its hard to keep it all in order without putting it to paper or computer as it were.
his parents and i caught up on the kids and how deans been dealing with me being away for the last few days and the general goings on in the life of bob and geo. it was a nice visit and i was really sorry to say goodnight to them. they have been wonderful this week helping dean out in so many ways so that he could come up to see me and run the kids from one function to the next. there will be an evening out for them in all of this.
i came back to my room and started to type. its now wednesday morning about noon. coop sorry i missed your call i was with the dr.
this morning has been pretty eventful. i called dean before he left the house for work and got to say good morning to him. when i came back upstairs the gp came in to see me. we discussed me going home if he can get me on oral anti biotics so this kidney infection doesn't re-occur any time soon.
ob/gyn came in and did an exam all ok for a vaginal hysterectomy as long as the ultra sound is clear. next wednesday on the emergency roster i will have surgery and finally get all this behind me.
after breakfast i spent time typing as you can well imagine i have been doing a lot of the last few hours and i also talked with the girl next to me some more. shes very nice and it has been refreshing to have a room mate in my age range the rest in here are seniors waiting for nursing homes.
ob gyn came back to inform me that i have fibroid tumors both in and outside of the uterus and possibly on one of my ovaries so my hysterectomy will not be vaginal and it will result in a bikini scar. or darn no more bikini's ;)) like i have ever worn them since having kids. This will add a couple weeks to my recovery and I will not be going back to work until at least the end of May.
the internist finally came back after i asked the head nurse to page him for me. :D my kidneys are functioning normally. there is no cause for concern with them at all and he strongly believes that once my blood fuction is normal and the anemia is behind me that i will not have any further problem but if i do i am free to call him directly without refferal and he will see me and we can revisit urinary production and function. :) this thrills me as i was really beginning to think they were going to find something else after all this mess.
i am free to go home. i am not sure that i will have to work the next few days i will go over that with the nurse at check out. if i do not need to then i will not be going in as i feel i need all the rest i can get before the surgery. a chance to build up even a few more digits on that hemoglobin could mean the difference between a long and a quick recovery from the next milestone.
well its now almost time for dean to arrive and i need to get my things packed and ready to go. i get to see our kids :) i get to eat a meal not prepared for the masses:) and i get to sleep in my own bed. most importantly though i get to thank god for another day with my friends and family.
i will keep you all informed throughout the next few weeks as i go through surgery and recovery and everything else that goes with it.
Recap- Tuesday & wednesday morningI am having a hysterectomy next week. my kidneys are functioning normally and are healthy. I am going HOME!

I feel so overwhlemed

2006-03-26T10:36:00.000-08:00

i have spent the last few days feeling very overwhelmed. i am sure you have all felt like i am feeling at one time or another. emotions taking over out of your control. feelings that seem to consume you when you least expect it.
the physical side of the emotions are sudden tears, smiling like a cheshire cat for no apparent reason, staring into space for long periods of time daydreaming. all causing Dean to wonder what is going on in my head as my moods swing like windchimes in a thunderstorm.
the reason for my feeling overwhelmed isn't the usual reasons that normally would affect me. the bills are paid and the kids are healthy. work is good and when i walk out the door at 2pm each day i get to leave it behind no stress at all. the extended family is good and our vacation went very well. really there is none of the negatives that usually cause feelings of emotional unrest.
what is affecting me is spring fever. you know the spring fever kids get in high school when they get all mushy and puppy love takes over their lives. when the flowers begin to bloom and the cherry blossoms begin to blossom when new life is in the air. the air starts to warm above the winter chills of the previous months. as the snow melts you begin to see the green shoots on the trees forming into new leaves.
the feelings fill my heart to capacity making me feel so alive and full of energy. its overwhelming me because i have never felt this kind of emotion before.
the cause of this poignant ecstasy is my sweetheart.
he amazes me in new ways every single day and shows me such true raw affection that i feel his love to my core.
his patience is unsurmountable both with the kids and with me a feat few could manage given the some of the dificulties blending a family can create.
his unselfish giving nature shows no bounds as he always puts himself second to the ones he loves. he gives of himself almost to a fault and will put aside his own needs for the needs of his family and friends.
his parental ability is truly amazing as he gives our children both structure and freedom to grow into healthy loving people who show respect and compassion for others. when he disciplines it is always followed by an explanation for the actions he has taken and by a hug filled with love and remorse for having had to punish them.
his laughter and sense of humour are a constant source of fun and energy. i have never laughed so much as i have since meeting him. he even lets loose at times when i am stern just so the kids know that sometimes its ok to be not so serious.
his ability to forgive and forget is honurable as i prefer to hang on and push the envelope when i should probably learn to let go like he does. he never holds a grudge over the mistakes i make or the things i do that could be blown out of proportion and become an issue.
his compassion and caring is incredible. he is always concerned with how i am feeling and how the things that go on in our life affect me. he knows when i need to be hugged and when i just need to be left alone for a while.
his honesty is pure and whole. when something is on his mind he says it. it may not always be what i want to hear but it is always an honest opinion backed by reasons to support his opinion. if he has a positive comment he is quick to share it especially with the children.
his love for me is amazing. it makes me sad that it doesn't yet have the history of a lifetime. it makes me smile that i am living this moment with this man i call my soulmate. it causes me to stare off into a land of daydreams where the dreams we share have come true and our happiness will be extended by the love of family and friends.
i am overwhelmed by this amazing man and all he does for me and our family.
i am overwhelmed by this incredible man who loves me unconditionally more and more each day.
i am overwhelmed by the wonderful man who came into my life and made my happiness a reality.
i am overwhelmed by the extraordinary man who has accepted my family as his own and has made a home for me and my boys.
i am overwhelmed by terrific man who has brought laughter into my life again.
i am overwhelmed by my soulmate.
i love you dean and i love all the things you have brought to my life and the lives of my children. i really have never felt so filled with emotion for one human being who i didn't help bring life to. you make my life a wonder each and every day and i thank you for allowing me into your life and into the lives of your children. dean you are my everything. i love you more than words.
SOULMATE

Feathers

2006-02-15T10:38:00.000-08:00

Picture this if you can ..
A king size feather pillow with a little tiny hole in it. The hole isn’t big enough to cause too much worry. Sure feathers sneak out of it from time to time but the pillow case catches them. I knew it needed to be sewn but all my sewing stuff is still in storage so I had put it off till I could get to the unit and get my stuff.
Now this in itself wouldn’t be a story to share but of course this isn’t where the story ends.
Add to the scene a queen size bed and a 24" television that sits on top of our dresser. It was a cool Saturday afternoon and the kids were bored of the toys they received for Christmas already. Dean and I were watching something on TV in the living room that the children were not at all interested in.
As they invariably do every weekend they asked if they could watch TV in our room (are you seeing where this is going yet?) Sure you can just don’t make a mess in our room and stay on top of the duvet. (I hate sand and stuff on my sheets from little feet) So an hour or so passes and the kids started to get goofy. The giggling started with one, then another, and pretty soon all 4 of them were hysterically laughing. Dean and I, so relieved that they were getting along, not fighting, didn’t bother them and just kept to ourselves in the living room. Mistake no.1
Later that night when we got the kids to bed and enjoyed our silence for a couple of hours we decided it was time to go to bed. Dean walked into the bedroom and all I heard was "OH my fucking god. I am going to kill them." Now this is a statement parents of more than one child often mutter, say, scream or chant depending on the situation and this case was no different. I hollered down the hallway, "What’s wrong, babe?" All I heard in response was, "There are feathers everywhere." I questioned a bit more and determined the pillow was not all over the room however the hole in the pillow was beyond repair. I decided that for now we could just use a second pillow case and continue to use the pillow until we could get another one. Mistake no.2
Now I don’t know if the rest of you use a down filled pillow or not but they are not cheap to replace. A good one is in the 30-40 dollar mark with taxes and just after Christmas coming up with a few extra dollars can be tough. We put off buying a new one. The double pillow case worked great until the last little while. It became obvious the pillow would need to be replaced about 2 weeks ago when our youngest boy came down with the flu.
You see Keygan needs his daddy close when he is sick and that in itself is not a problem. Dean just takes to the couch with him and for the next few days Dean fights for those fleeting moments of sleep that Keygan allows him. For some reason the fact that the pillow had a big hole in it really only became a problem once the pillow was moved to the couch. On the bed the pillow seemed to get little or no adjustment so the feathers kept their place. On the couch however the pillow got fluffed and folded and tucked and puffed and flattened and basically beat on.
Dean proceeded to get sick right after Keygan started to feel better so of course the pillow got another week on the couch during the day and the bed at night. By the second week on the couch the kids were pulling feathers from it every chance they got. Dean was being poked every time he lay his head near the thing. Feathers were appearing on the couch, our clothes, the carpet and they were just starting to really take over. It was obvious the pillows 10 year life had come to a dreadful end. It was time to replace the pillow.
We headed to Wal-Mart to buy a new pillow. Found what Dean wanted and of course a few other items we didn’t really need and off we went to pay for the new pillow. We never get out of Wal-Mart for less than $100 and tonight was no different. Home we went.
Tucked the kids into bed and decided we better deal with the old pillow. Dealing with the old pillow wasn’t just throwing it away. You see I have an old down filled comforter that was my grandmothers that is also in need of repair. There is a hole in the corner of it were the old style cording has come loose around the seems. I put this comforter in a bag years ago hoping that one day I would be able to fix it. Deans broken pillow gave me a chance to add some extra stuffing to the quilt so I decided I wanted to keep the down from the pillow and Dean wanted to keep the pillow cases that were now covered in feathers. Mistake no.3
Outside we go. Thank god we had the presence of mind to head outdoors. With a Wal-Mart bag in hand we begin to strip the first pillow case off of the pillow or in reality off the pile of feathers surrounding the pillow casing. The first pillow case was a pretty easy task although we were breathing feathers immediately. I took the case and shook it out over the deck rail and the lawn instantly looked like a macabre chicken plucking had taken place. The second pillow case Dean says to me should I grab a garbage bag? I reply… Nah we don’t need one hon. Mistake no.4
You are still picturing right?
The end of the second pillow case goes into the Wal-Mart bag. We start shaking the feathers into the bag thinking the pillow inside will fall into the bag too. Nope. Shake a little harder. Feathers fly everywhere. I start pulling from the bottom. Dean starts lifting from the top. We are breathing, snorting, and swallowing dead duck feathers. The pillow is too big for the Wal-Mart bag. We do need a garbage bag. As we finally get the pillow kinda sorta into the bag the remaining feathers fall all over the deck. I shake out the inner pillow case in the same manner that I did the first and I am now covered, literally, from head to foot in feathers. I look like I have committed a bird-flu pandemic cull. Dean, laughing his ass off goes in the house to grab a garbage bag. He comes back outside and we get the remaining feathers into the bag. As Dean begins to sweep the deck I go inside head straight for the washer and strip to the basics. When he is done he comes inside and does the same. The two pillow cases go into the wash and that should be end of story right? … no …
I went to take the laundry from the dryer last night to fold it. The lint trap had so many feathers in it that I was almost shocked not to find a plucked duck in the dryer with the clothes. I emptied the trap and ran the dryer again for 30 min for good measure. Took another bunch of feathers from the trap and decided the rest of the feathers would have to be dealt with by hand. Now ya know I just couldn’t do a load of laundry with only 2 shirts, 2 pair of pants, and 2 pillow cases. I had to be economical and do a whole load. Mistake No. 5
Took me almost an hour to pluck our laundry.
Moral of the story… being frugal sometimes costs more than being practical.

I love you RDS

2006-02-14T10:40:00.000-08:00

REASONS WHY I LOVE YOU
you text me everyday
you are concerned about me and my well being
you have an amazing voice that turns me on
you are caring and sensitive
the way you whisper I love you
you remember all the important stuff
the way u call me "sweetheart"
you are always there for me when I am having a rough day
you stimulate me
you understand my shortcomings and forgive my mistakes
you call me just cause you miss me
you are not afraid to express what you feel
you always consider my side and what I may want
the way you are ok with sitting in comfortable silence
the way you love to drive "nowhere" with me
you want to grow old with me
you are loyal to me and our relationship
you know me as well as I know myself
we have so much in common
you make me smile and laugh
there is no one else in the world quite like you
you make me feel good about myself
you always tell me and make me feel that I am loved
you are willing to take another chance on love with me
you bring excitement to my life everyday
you bring out the best in me
you can read my heart and mind
every time we fight I learn and discover things about myself and about you
your extreme patience with me
i can be myself when I am with you
when I am grumpy you still love me
you never intimidate me
we can talk for hours and hours
you never give up on us
you have an amazing smile
you never get really mad at me
the best chapter of my life began when we met
you love our children
the way you spoon me
the way you let me sleep in when I can and get up with me when I can’t
you are willing to share your past with me
you are supportive of me
you bring me up when I am down
we share our dreams for the same things
you are an incredible father
you complete me
you are my everything
you are my SOULMATE
Happy Valentine's Day Sweetheart

first moments

2006-01-25T10:45:00.000-08:00

consider the first few moments of a new life.
She has never felt the sharp coolness of air as it touches her downy skin.
She hears brutal sounds for the first time as she emerges from her muffled surroundings.
Bright lights widen her pupils a shock to the eyes that have never focused before.
She no longer smells the sweet scent of her amniotic pillow, instead antiseptic aroma is inhaled.
Someone clears her mouth and throat with a not so gentle motion, the taste of the instruments nothing like her mothers milk.
How exposed that naked body is to the harsh reality of the world she is now living in. No longer safe in the only surroundings she was used to. This vulnerability is at worst interminable and at best momentary.
Adults can be exposed in the same way and it can feel just as harsh as the first time when it does happen.
Consider how the new little one feels after all that happens. Scared would be my perspective but her fear is dampened by the warmth of a towel or blanket taken from a warmer and swiftly wrapped around her so she can be handed to her mother for the first time. Think how that soft blanket feels on her skin which has never felt this kind of warmth.
Fast forward 35 years.
The girl became a woman and she found herself exposed to the harsh reality of the world she was living in. No longer safe in the surroundings she was used to. Luckily the vulnerability was momentary.
Fear was dampened not by the warmth of a towel or blanket but by the arms of an amazing man. He wrapped his arms around me and I felt that warmth immediately. I recognized it as the love I had been searching for that I had not been able to find. That touch I hadn’t felt since the first time I was swaddled in a blanket, surrounded me and I finally felt at home and at peace the way I imagine we all felt before birth.
Dean I love you and I love the way I feel when you wrap your arms around me.
SOULMATE

a memorable moment

2006-01-04T18:12:00.000-08:00

looking back on the changes of the last year has really caused me to reflect on a lot of things. every year i sit and take some time just to reflect on changes that have happened in the last 365 days and i take time to think about what my goals are for the next year. this year though i have been reflecting a lot longer than i usually do. maybe cause my marraige ended. maybe cause dean got so sick and mortality stared us both in the face. perhaps it has to do with the fact that i gave up a career on a whim and took a entry level job. maybe its cause i was a single mother for the first time. maybe it was having my own apartment and my own responsibility for the first time in my life.
i don't know what has me so reflective but i know that it sure has given me a case of writers block.
when i try to put my feelings, my emotions to print it stops flowing. the words become a jumble in my mind and what i put to the screen makes no sense at all. hell even this sounds like rambling.
i wanted to start this looking back on the last year but it all became details not the story it should have been. so i tried to leave out details and just talk about the people who have made an impact on my life and i realized in just a few minutes of typing that i was going to leave someone out and if i didn't leave them out then what i would say would either be too little or too much.
the last year has been filled with so many changes for me and all of them as hard as they may have been to go through have led to one thing.
my happiness.
i am happier today than i remember being in a very long time. i have more patience and i am more tolerant. i am willing to accept differences in opinions easier. i am enjoying having a house full of children. i look forward to coming home from work everyday to spend time with dean. even housework and cooking have a pleasurable effect on my moods.
its really quite amazing that all this happiness started in a chat room almost 2 years ago. a simple pm between two adults both looking for something missing in their current relationships. hours later a connection started that led to where we are now.
the last year was filled with so many ups and downs for both dean and i the biggest of course being dean's diagnosis of leukemia. we have made it this far though and we are hopeful that we can continue with no further setbacks.
i am reminded of oil and vingear when i think about dean and i. we are two very seperate personalities who have different opinions and different behavious. we disagree about how to do almost everything but we are both so stubborn that one of us always has to give in to the other. dean loves to push and poke at my buttons till the brink of my own destruction then grabs me pulls me close and softly whispers how much he loves me in my ear. i love to give him as hard a time as he gives me. glaring at him when he makes his smart ass comments or cracks a joke at my expense. it is always in jest and is one of my favorite parts of our relationship.
when you mix oil and vinegar together you get a fantastic combination. now i am not saying we taste like salad dressing but we sure make a good combination when mixed together. we laugh together. sometimes cry together. we parent each others children as equals as best we can. and we work well together as a team.
i love this man and all he has to offer me. when it comes to him i am very selfish and want him all to myself. i do not want to share him with anyone but our children and our families. he is truly my best friend, the one man i can tell anything to and though i know it may give him reason to pick on me later or to laugh at me immediately he doesn't judge me for my mistakes, my flaws. i want to always be his caregiver taking care of his every need and want. when he is feeling sick or low i want to do everything i can to make him feel better about his health and about himself. he gives me confidence and reminds me that i can do anything i put my mind and effort into.
dean's last blog had me in tears when i read it. not only does it show how much he cares about me and loves me but it touched on a moment in our relationship which will always bring the emotion of how much i love him to the front of my mind.
the night dean was diagnosed with leukemia we were on the phone and had been talking about anything but what his blood tests would reveal. his other line clicked and he went to take the call. the words he said through his tears when he came back will haunt me for the rest of my life. "i have leukemia i have a 50/50 chance and i need to go make arrangements for the kids and head to the hospital, I love you" click.
i didn't know when i would hear from him again. if i would see him again. where he would be going for treatment. it was a long night.
i called his mom at 10pm or so and found out he was admitted to rih and that was all she could tell me except to add that i should really consider moving on in my life cause this was most likely the end of what was just beginning.
it was a long long night.
morning brought no relief. i automated my way through school prep and daycare drop off. drove to work tears streaming down my face the whole way. got nothing done all morning as i waited so impatiently for some kind of news. finally out of desperation i called the hospital. i had just missed him he was on his way to vancouver by ambulance.
i did what i could to keep busy but it was futile and soon i was off shopping for books and getting dean what he might need while he was in the hospital. rolls of quarters for the pay phone. calling to ensure he had all the things he might need from home shipped down to him as soon as we could arrange it.
i headed to the hospital about 2:30 pm hoping i would arrive before he did. sitting in the emergency room after checking to be sure he wasn't already admitted i was so scared. every ambulance that came in i expected him to be in it. people wheeled out on stretchers into the triage area hooked up to wires and iv bags. i really didn't know what to expect. would dean be on a stretcher. would he be hooked up on these machines too? i had been at his house only 4 days before and he was ok. bruised yes, tired definately, but he was walking on his own, he was not ill per say.
the 12th or 15th ambulance rolled in and the side door opened. first i saw his hockey bag, then i saw him stepping down from the van. then i felt total relief as i saw his tired weary face light up for just a moment when he saw me. i couldn't get to him fast enough. the hug he gave me spoke of his fear and his relief that i was there. my hug back told him i would always be here for him no matter what the obstacle. we shared tears and then started the journey into chemo, blood diseases, immunity, and so much more.
that moment defined us as a couple. we both agree that is the most memorable moment of this relationship thus far. it wasn't romantic. it wasn't flowers, candy or jewellry. it was in a very odd way, pure happiness of being able to be together.
i truely love this man more than anything.

a mom's tradition

2005-12-16T23:14:00.000-08:00

walking into the room always gave me the feeling of being the princess of the ball.

the first thing i always saw when walking into the room was the stage set for a live band. the ballroom floor was always polished to a shine, you could never tell that for years people had danced on this floor.

crisp white linens covered the round tables that filled the room. each table was set for royalty. white china, sparkling wine glasses, shimmering silver illuminated by candlelight. seated by a maitre d' in a black tux who tucked my chair in with care as i sat down.

we always took dinner at the late seating because it meant there was no rush to finish the evening and clear out for the other guests. the early seating was usually the older couples who took to thier rooms early. the late seating was the younger families although there was few children at these dinners. this place really wasn't designed for children and not many families came here with the kids this time of year.

i loved this tradition. i don't remember how old i was the first year we went but i couldn't have been much more than 7. the first couple of years my grandma came with us but after she passed it was just mom, mike and i.

this getaway was filled with so much tradition. not just the tradional christmas rituals and routines but traditions that went much deper than that. just sitting here thinking about the memories floods me with more and more of them. things i haven't thought about in years and years.

we always arrived late afternoon on the 24th and stayed until just after lunch on the 26th. mom always worked the 23th so she could have the 26th off so as soon as she would arrive home we were on our way. the drive was only about 90min out of town but for mike and i it might as well have been 5 hours.

we would arrive and check in and race to our room to see which one we got this year. we never stayed in the new section of the hotel because it would have broken from the tradition. our room was damp and the decor was late 50's early 60's. it had the old radiator style heater under the old wooden window sill. the windows had cracked paint around the edges where they had been painted over and over again and they only opend a few inches for saftey reasons much to our chagrin cause we would have loved to have crawled out onto the tar and gravel roof of the hotel foyer.

there was so much to do during these trips it was hard to fit everything in but we always seemed to manage. mom enrolled both mike and i in the childrens activities and that gave her some time to relax while we were there but she still spent plenty of time with us.

the pool was almost always our first stop. the indoor pool was typical in size and other than the big glass windows that were always covered in condenstaion it really wasn't special but we always hit it as soon as possible. there was a hot tub in the room too so while we swam mom could sit and ease some of the tension from the drive. there was a sauna too but i couldn't and still can't handle dry steam. there was an outdoor pool too and each year mike and i were crazy enough to jump into it at least once. it was usually freezing outside and quite often there was fresh snow but we would jump in swim one end to the other and then race back inside to the indoor pool that suddenly seemed boiling to our skin. mom always wore a robe back to our room but not mike and i. we would traipse thorough the halls wet bare feet on the carpet our towels dragging along behind us. until i was in my teens it never crossed my mind to cover up.

after a swim we would usually check out the hotel and what might have changed since the year before. there was so much for us to see and each year mike and i would argue over what we got to go see second. there was never a fight on what was first though.

the elevator.

not the elevator that we took to get to the pool that was just an elevator.

it was the old elevator that creaked and groaned its way from floor to floor and at one time probably had an elevator attendant to assist people from their rooms to the lobby or vice versa. for us the first stop was the basement. we wanted to see what was new in the games room. there was not just the video games to check out (keep in mind this was before atari) there was the pool table and the ping pong table and shuffle board. this was usually where we would first see the kids that had come to become casual friends. we didn't know them away from here but they were the same kids year after year that were here the same times as us and it was always great to see a face we knew from the year before.

taking a walk from the arcade to the lobby we would pass the room where we would spend the better part of christmas eve doing activities and playing cards and watching movies. into the main lobby of the hotel past the big fire place and the lounge into the main foyer. there was decorations everywhere. not the comercialized decorations of santa and reindeer the only place you could see signs of santa and his troupe were on the foyer roof we always wanted to climb onto. instead the decorations were traditional bows of red and boughs of fir and pine. huge wreaths adorned the walls and there was just the right amount of white lights sparkling in all the right places. they never overdid the decorations but anywhere you stood in these areas you could see the signs of christmas.

walking back towards our room not yet ready to settle down but the time nearing 930-10pm we would walk past the big glass windows that looked out over the lake and all the cabins that were lit with coloured lights that reflected off the waters edge if the lake wasn't frozen over. settled in front of the glass windows along the way was the only christmas tree i ever remember seeing in the building that had colorful lights and a child's handmade decorations on it. all the rest of the christmas trees in the building were traditional and designer dressed. the best part of this walk back to our room however wasn't the lights on the lake or the christmas tree in the window, it was the gingerbread house.

the one thing we could count on every year was that there would big a big gingerbread house sitting on the table between two lounge chairs near the gift shop enterance. the house was always decorated with fresh candies. licorice side walks and candy cane lanterns. jelly beans along the edges of the house looked like the lights we saw on so many houses on our drive to the hotel. the windows were made of melted crushed candies so they looked like stained glass. white icing made to look like snow covered the eaves and the base of the entire thing had icing in thin and thick layers making it look like snow drifts. the roof had the look of brick where you could spot it through the snow icing that looked as if it was melting off the roof on sunny day. the chimmney had candy cane sticks along the corners of it giving it the appearance of sturdy brick.

i don't know who did these houses each year but i know one thing, as a child, who did them didn't dawn on me. what did was the fact that they were always intact. not a single candy missing. my mother would have had my head if i had taken a candy and i am sure that was true of all the other mothers in the hotel. no child dared touch this gingerbread house for fear of moms wrath. the hotel helped remove temptation even further by placing a large bowl of candies on the table with the house. we were allowed one candy on each trip past the house. my brother made more trips past the house than i ever did. LOL

sleeping in an hotel was always a treat as a kid. the big fluffy beds and the down comforters in this hotel were no exception. tucking in under them we were always still full of vigor but the hour of evening spoke that it was time for little ones to be in bed. thoughts of what the next day would hold filled our minds as we drifted into a childs dreamland.

there was never any problem getting us up the next morning. we would shower and dress and head for breakfast in the sunshine room. this room was at the far end of the hotel that we never visited except at breakfast. cereal, toast and juice were almost always the choices we made and when we were done with that there was a fruit buffet that we couldn't wait to attack.

from there we would go our seperate ways. the kids activities ran from about 10-4pm each day. i have no idea what kept my mother occupied during these times but i do know that 3 or 4 co-ordinators that couldn't have been much older than 23 would spend the day with us doing all sorts of things. we would make crafts and have lunch with them. some years we would all go swimming or even over to the curling rink to ice skate. every year we would walk to the hot springs and i remember feeling total awe each time i touched the hot water in the natural pool surrounded by snow. we would at some point watch a movie on a large screen using an old film projector because vcr's were not yet a thing of the present. we would sing carols together and laugh and play as only children can the night before christmas. these wonderful people kept us totally occupied for the entire afternoon. until i was an adult i couldn't appreciate how much of a relief this must have been to my mother who had managed all the rest of the christmas prep without anyone to help her.

after rejoining our mothers protective custody we would usually go lie down for an hour before dinner. you can imagine that both mike and i were positive that we did not need a nap but mom insisted we lay down before getting ready for dinner. all that protesting did no good at all and it never failed we both slept as mom took some time to read and do mom stuff. upon awaking we would get ready for dinner which required some time as were were in a fancy place. this meant a dress and tights for me and a little suit for mike. mom always looked stunning as we headed down to the ballroom looking forward to dinner and dancing.

dinner christmas eve was always located in the same ballroom that christmas dinner was in and there was a treat to going to these events. usually there was two dinner times the early and the evening which meant most often when we arrived we would have to wait in line for a cleared and reset table. if you are a parent you know waiting in any kind of line with kids can be a real test of your patience but mike and i loved this part of the evening.

there was a couple little guys who kept us entertained while we waited. both dressed in black masks and mischief thier only perogative we watched them with the inquisitive nature of a child. asking mom a ton of questions about the little critters outside the glass passageway that led to the ballroom. how do they know to come here to see us every year? who put the apples and oranges there for them to eat? mom, mom look they eat with their hands like we do. can we open the door and pet them? they don't look that mean mom, look how cute they are. these two racoons and occasionally their offspring were the only racoons we ever saw while we stayed here and they were there every single year we went always entertaining us christmas eve and christmas night. mike and i grew up city kids, i am sure there were many racoons where we lived but we certainly never saw them so close and so personal and to us it was a wonder to behold.

the band always played about half way through dinner and by the time they had cleared our dessert plates the older folks were dancing on the dance floor. the music at this time of night was always old stuff mike and i couldn't yet appreciate but we knew not to complain. if we wated patiently these old people would go to bed and the band would start to play for the younger crowd.

mom made mike and i dance together no less than once an evening and as you can imagine brother and sister were none to happy about this. mike always spun mom around the dance floor once as well and that is really the only formal dance training either of us had. mom instructing us on what the foot steps should be and then us steping on each other til we were lauging hysterically. by the end of the evening the band had switched to music mike and i recognized and we were having tonnes of fun with the other kids who had also taken the late sitting. we usually strolled past the now full racoons around 10:30-11pm. all 3 of us ready for bed.

christmas morning never brought huge loads of gifts for us but it brought us so much more. a sense of true togetherness and family as the 3 of us awoke to what for me was the favorite holiday of each year. mom saved all year for this trip and we knew that it cost her dearly to spoil us so lavishly with the events that we took part in. our christmas gifts each christmas morning were meger and to be honest i can't remember a single one. there was one gift for me each year however that i couldn't wait to delve into and i can remember most of them with exact detail if i close my eyes and picture myself on that dance floor each christmas night. mom would get me a dress. not just a new dress but a fancy dress that i could wear to dinner and look and feel like a princess for a few hours each year.

christmas day was not as activity filled as the day prior had been. breakfast was leisurely and relaxed and afterward we would go for a swim or a walk together. the day was about being together with mom. we would wander the hotel saying hello to those we had met the day before and maybe sit and catch up with the families we had met years before. there was a carol singing in the afternoons and always the burning of the yule log and drinking of the wassail in the lobby a time where we took time to appreciate those around us, the spirit of the season and a time to give thanks for all that had passed in the last year and all that was yet to come in the new one.

after the customary nap we would get ready for dinner. getting ready for christmas dinner always took more time than the prep for dinner the night before. i would take time to do my hair and make-up onc i was a bit older. i would dress with care not to get anything on my dress in the process. finalizing the outfit with a pair of black shiny dress shoes we were off to watch the racoons as we waited for our seating.

dinner of course was turkey or ham each year and it was always served to us like we were royalty. mom took the time to teach us which fork, spoon or knife to use for each course. we were taught how to properly drink from a tea cup and how to place our napkins on our laps so they were close at hand yet would not fall to the floor. i see now that it was a teaching but then i had no idea i just knew that i better do it right or i would be disappointing my mother and embarassing her in a place filled with tradition and ettiquette.

again we would dance after the meal was done but on christmas night there was no rush to get us to bed. we would dance and laugh and sing until the band was done for the evening. always careful to keep our behaviour in line we had more fun than i think most children do after a big christmas meal.

when the evening came to an end it was always with a sense of sadness for me. not only beacuse i knew we were going to have to head home the next morning but also because...

i would no longer be the princess of the ball ... for another year.

356 Days

2005-12-10T22:45:00.000-08:00

I wonder if you know
I hold you in my heart
Regardless of how much time should pass
We'll never be apart

I wonder if you know
As each day is passing by
Something makes me think of you
Sometimes it makes me cry

I wonder if you know
My arms are always open
There is so much I want to say
But lost for words unspoken

I wonder if you know
How my life would be complete
If only you were in it now
If someday we could meet

I wonder if you know
All the love to you I send
If you have ever felt me
Blowing kisses in the wind

Many things I'd say to you
If you were standing here
I wonder if you really know
I love you so, my dear

last year i told my story December 05, 2004 posting.
i don't intend to repeat that story today but the poem reflects my emotions surrounding today's date.
there are very few days that go by that i don't think of this day back in 1987 and what it represented then and now. of course i have the usual questions about where and what and how. i find today very emotional as i do every year and i really feel like secluding myself from the world to just reflect.
for the last 18 years i have spent this day away from my child and until this year i had always been able to celebrate through my other children's birthdays. this year however due to circumstances i wasn't able to be with my boys for their birthdays either. that was really hard for me to deal with.
my child is 18 today, a very monumental day for most people. i know that i tend to think of the milestones that affected me at various stages in my life and wonder if my child is going through the same things. in many cases i hope so in some cases i hope not.
during my 18th year of life i met my future husband, acknowledged my child's first birthday without being able to celebrate it, moved out of my parents home, graduated from high school, and moved to a new city away from my family.
is my child going through the same things? has she met the love of her life? is she starting university this year? is she working toward a career or will she decide to start a family first? i can only imagine what her AP's are going through with fear and worry as she gets closer to becoming an indepentant woman free of thier guidance and parental supervision.
for me its different. today starts a countdown i have waited 18 years for. in 365 days i can register to be located at her free will. of course i don't know if she knows about me of if she has any real desire to find me but either way i will be available to her.
my boys know about her and they know that there may come a day that the phone rings or the door is knocked upon. i think they look forward to that day almost as much as i do. my parents might not be so prepared they have chosen not to discuss it at any length in the last 18 years. i imagine my parents meeting their grandchild for the first time with much emotion and hope that it happens before either of my parents leave this world.
i can't imagine meeting her myself right now. i dream of the day but the details in my mind can't be forseen. not only am i excited at the prospect but i am also scared because there is so much i will need to tell her that i haven't told another soul. the prospect is a frightening one. i also wonder where we go after that first meeting. will we be close or will the relationship be less than mother daughter status. weill she welcome her new expanded family or will visits be limited to rare occasions. so many questions. the answers will come from that first meeting. that first meeting will be as soon as...
365 days.... and counting....

What's yours?

2005-12-04T16:49:00.000-08:00

what other people say to me about myself, my relationships, my children, my family affects me in very personal ways. i take all positive and negative comments and tend to pick each one apart and over analyze them or beat them to death.

the first negative comment i clearly remember was in kindergarten when my teacher made an example out of my christmas artwork. we were supposed to color inside the lines keeping all the colouring in one direction. it was a picture of santa and as a typical 5yr old i colored it the only way i really knew how, with disarray and chaos but i was so proud of myself cause i had stayed within the lines. i skipped up to the teachers desk feeling very noble for being the first child finished such an important project.

i could not have forseen what came next. my great-hearted spirit shattered in an instant. the teacher got the entire classroom's attention as she held my artwork up and promptly said, "this is exactly what i do not want you doing on this page." as the other children saw my sparkle dim into pure humiliation the teacher went on to explain in detail what i had done wrong.

that was 30 years ago and each time i sit down to colour with the kids, that memory comes back to me full force and i don't seem to enjoy colouring christmas pictures as much as i enjoy coloring other seasonal pictures. it might also explain why to this day i can't randomly draw or doodle without purpose.

over the years there have been as many positive comments as there have been negative.
i remember clearly the conversation i had with my mom while i was pregnant with robert and how she told me she was very proud of me and that i was going to be a great mom (something all daughters need to hear walking into parenthood for the first time) and the first time a few years later when my sister-in-law told me she wished she could be the relaxed, disciplined parent that i was. there were the positives from my employers over the years as i advanced through the various ranks in various jobs. i can remember many positives that really built my self esteem up to help me become a strong and confident woman.

lately there have been many positives in my relationship, ( i love you Dean) positives at work in the form of personal challanges met and exceeded and incentives earned and won. i see many positives in our children (though some days i tell ya i think all parents should eat their young before their bones harden.)

what has got me writing this blog though isn't the positives... its the negativity of some people and the opinons they can't seem to contain and need to share.

i am a 35yr old woman and i owe no explanations to anyone for the actions i take or the reasons i choose to take them. i do nothing without thinking first of how it may impact my family. i give selflessly of myself to those around me who hold the largest pieces of my heart. however lately i find myself having to defend my actions to people who have taken very little time to get to know me as a person, friend, mother, girl-friend.

they interject their opinions of the choices we make and the things dean and i decide to do as a family when they have never walked a step, never mind a mile in our shoes. they are sure they know what is best for the children when they don't see how the children get along together in their own surroundings. they don't understand the dynamics of running a house this size with this many people in it.

we are doing the best we can and there are going to be tears and laughter as we go through the process of blending this family. dean and i will make errors along the way and the kids will do things that either one of us doesn't accept but they have been allowed to do in the past. there will be new rules and new routines. there will be rough patches and there will be times we really enjoy. there will be fights over toys, remotes, clothes, who sits where in the van and at dinner. there will be more dishes done each day than anyone thought possible and someone has to put them away. there will be dirty laundry in the hamper everyday and we will fight over how it should be folded and in what drawers it really belongs in.

dean and i will have challanges of our own in this relationship and by the nature of how the relationship came to be there is still so much to learn about each other. we will disagree about parenting skills and family traditions. we will find the sweetness of a new relationship is soon worn down into the routines of daily life where each one misses the something special that brought us together. we both know this because we have been here before in other relationships. we will also enjoy what this relationship brings to each of us, happiness and friendship. a companionship that neither of us have experienced before and the ability to be who we are individually as a couple with no holds barred. we have been through so much already and we have more to go through but we look forward to doing it together.

the negative opinions of others are not going to change how we feel about each other, or what we think is best for the family. the negative opinions are not going to come between us although they may drive a wedge between the people saying them and us as a couple.

to those who can't see the good in this relationship... keep your opinions to yourself and when the time comes that you can finally see the good in all of this we will still be here as a couple going strong loving each other then as we do now.

i have lost my mind

2005-11-29T10:33:00.000-08:00

at least there are times when i am sure that i have.

lately i seem to have to much information processing when i lay down to bed at night. i can spend an entire evening in a comfortable silence with dean after the kids have gone to bed and its exactly what i am needing.

however when my head hits the pillow...

what needs to be done tomorrow... are the kids adjusting ok... is dean's cold something we should be more worried about... is there a better way to deal with dan and his math homework... why would someone look at dean and i and say we will never last 5 years... how am i going to juggle all the stuff that needs to be done... how different it is this month compared to july... what is the best way to juggle our finances... will we be able to buy a bigger place in the near future... what is the best way to rearrange the living room... should i get andrew the trucks for christmas or would we be better off getting them for keygan... its only a few more hours till i have to get up why can't i sleep...

last night i got up when all these thoughts started taking over and figured i would blog for a while maybe clear my head a bit but as soon as i sat down there was nothing to write.
an hour later i went back to bed thinking i would be able to sleep now that i had a drink and some time to clear my head.

i lay down, wrapped my arms around the wonderful man beside me, and found my mind once again.

it sure would be nice to fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.

start my 5am shifts again tomorrow but i am back on mon - fri now
got my Jan schedule today too.. mon - fri 630-3pm gonna be like i am sleeping in everyday.

maybe then i won't be clock watching at night.

hugs ya all

utopian moments

2005-11-27T18:56:00.000-08:00

i spent some time today thinking about my dad and some of the times spent with him after my parents split up. i don't really know what had me thinking about him except maybe that i was busy putting lights around the beams on the deck and my perfectionism was making the job more frustrating than it needed to be.
one thing i always noticed about dad's christmas lights was they were always perfect. they were always up before we got there. the bulbs were all lit never a dud in the strings and they were perfect. now when i say perfect i do mean perfect. straight and tight and all bulbs facing down.
precise and accurate.
his tree was always the same way. dad never just bought a tree like you and i buy a tree. dad bought a designer tree grown defectless and unblemished and paid a pretty penny for them each year. i always loved arriving to see what kind of tree he might have this year. i don't ever remember him having the trees we normally buy off the boy scout lots.
usually the lights and garland were on the tree when we got there on friday night so we could dress the tree without having to wait for the lights to go on. i think he did this because he did it with such immaculate detail that he knew it was best to do this before we arrived. even when dressing the branches with the ornaments there was a certain place for each bobble and each handcrafted trinket. when the tree was lit it was martha stewart award winnable and the lights were always a different color each year and i think i only recall one year where they were multi colored.
today as i strung lights around the beams i found myself doing what dad must do each year as he struggles with strings of lights that want to go anywhere but where he wants them. i was cussing and fighting to get them all facing downward and evenly spaced on the beams. it was chilly outside and i was fighting not just with the lights but also with the staple gun trying my best not to staple through the wires. took me the better part of an hour to do the four beams and by the time i decked the rails with the freshly cut branches dean and the kids went and cut this morning my fingers would no longer co-operate.
the whole stringing lights idea took on a whole life of its own as we have gone crazy buying lights to do both the decks. i know exactly how i want it to look and i know that each set of lights is going to have to be just right or i will struggle with them until they are. i also bought two deer for in the big garden and we have a sleigh and little reindeer for in the little garden. dean is in charge of the big santa that has the light in him and it is going on the deck on the street side of the house. we have also decided to put the fake ( I won't have fake in the house) tree outside so i can decorate it with lights and bows. i saw a really neat tree last night while we were out driving and i want to copy the idea in our front yard.
dean laughs at my neurotic habits but i do come by them naturally.

i love decorating for christmas

2005-11-26T20:44:00.000-08:00

I usually start decorating on the US Thanksgiving weekend and I go totally overboard with pretty garland and candles and pinecones all covered in glitter. I place the nativity scene on a bed of snow out of the way so the kids won't knock it over and I place my santa's and snowmen figurines in the remaining few places that haven't been already decorated. I put lights on the windows and get the tree decorations ready to go on the tree when we finally have time to get one.

Part of why I get ready so early is that I have worked retail for the last 7 years and Christmas was such a ridiculous time of year for me. I worked horrendous hours and consecutive days all through the month of Decmber. I would shop on my lunch breaks and do ALL my wrapping christmas eve with a glass of Bailey's and lots of tape.

This year I am not working retail and I only work 8 hour days 5 days a week not 7 overtime is optional not mandatory and....................................... I am off both the 24th and the 25th.

I am very very excited and I am really looking forward to the whole month of December. Dean is not as excited as I am and as this is our first Christmas together we are finding there are things we don't quite agree on. LOL

Today we went looking for lights for outside ( I am not allow to decorate inside til the 1st) and we were looking at an inflatable snowman. I know exactly where it would look really cute but Dean said no the deck is too cluttered already. I turned and told him "you sure can be a prick when you want to be" the lady working the seasonal aisle just started laughing. It was quite comical.

I like traditional glitter and gleam but like to have a theme throughout. Dean likes...ok I am not really sure what he likes other than to say all the things I do like he has more than a few negative comments about. Now keep in mind Dean does very little without sarcasm and a smart mouth, its part of what I love about him, so I don't really know half the time when he is serious and when he is really just pushing my buttons.

I want to decorate the whole yard in lights and figurines. We have a neighbour from hell and it will piss her right off if I turn the yard into a Tim the Tool Man Taylor Light show. My Christmas spirit will shine through while my lights totally annoy her . Nothing like lighting up the yard at 430 in the morning on my way out the door to work. Merry Christmas.

We have two decks so I get to decorate both sides of the house and we have a big garden that I told Dean it would be fun to put colored flood lights into. I want to put ribbon lights all around the deck slats. I want to hang lighted stars from the deck eaves. I want to put icicle lights all around the roof eves. I want to put reindeer in the garden that light up. I want to make the deck pillars look like candy canes. I want to run a string of white lights down the stair railings. I want to put the big santa on the front of the trailer by where we park with lights inside it so it lights up. LOL Dean wants me to stop thinking about Christmas decorating and it isn't even the 1st yet.

He is going to want me to move out by the time I get done decorating the inside. LOL
I love decorating for christmas.

Turning the corner

2005-11-19T20:33:00.000-08:00

have you ever stopped to consider how many times in a day we take a turn. i bet you haven't. i know i hadn't. at least until today.

yesterday on my way home from work i was struck by a memory of my first trip to the city we live in now. how after driving along a single lonely road for many hours a left turn off the main highway changed my life forever.

today, that memory still fresh in my mind, i started asking myself why that one turn mattered so much. i mean we all take turns each and every day more perhaps than any of us ever considered. i can't even begin to count how many turns i make in an average day but i know that the path from my desk to the lunch room alone is 9 turns. now consider that to go into any room in my house it probably requires a turn or two. i could sit and count how many turns the drive to and from work is but i do have better things to do with my time.

that one turn though changed everything. i turned the corner towards the rest of my life. the turn took me down the road and 5 turns later i was in the arms of the man i have come to consider my best friend and soulmate. we have made the transition into a couple in what many consider a short period of time and we are melding our families as one looking toward a future together filled with challanges and achievements.

there will be many turns to come and many changes that go with them but the one thing i hold dear to my heart is that left turn that brought me here to Dean.

I love you sweetheart.

it was a good weekend

2005-08-14T19:09:00.000-07:00

it was great to see my boys! they are doing fantastic and have golden brown tans that make me envious. they miss me that is obvious but they are having a great summer with dad and their friends.

looking forward to getting them home soon.

Love you guys!

ideals

2005-08-10T15:00:00.000-07:00

i am going to see my boys this weekend. the ex is going camping with his gf so i will be able to spend some time with them just the 3 of us. after my inital shock of being invited up for the weekend only to find out it was not to be a weekend spent with all of us together, i am looking forward to the time with my boys.

it is a weird situation for everyone involved i think. the kids don't know where our new love interests fit in and for the ex and i im not sure either of us knows how to manage what was left of the 16 year relationship, the new love interests are trying to make thier place and all in all its just weird.

my first reaction when i found out they were going camping was anger that i was being used as a sitter for them to get away. the second was anger that i wasn't asked if i would mind staying in his house while he went off for the weekend. the third was the realization that i basically did the same thing to him when he came to my place in june when my bf was diagnosed with leukemia. the ex watched the boys at my place while i spent as much time as i could afford to at the hospital.

i walked away from my marraige not the other way around. i wanted out. i wanted space and freedom that i couldn't seem to attain within the walls of my marraige. maybe its because i married so young or maybe it was him or me or or or. it could have been a lot of things but the fact is i wasn't happy.

what i miss isn't the man its the ideal of what should have been and somehow never was.

i still long for those ideals even now 16 years later. i believe that they are rooted in a relationship built on trust and open communication. i know first hand that those things are earned not given and that length of time with one person means nothing if those two things are absent.

i have a wonderful relationship now with a fabulous guy and i am very very happy with him. i recently made some major changes to my life so that we can be together more often as the relationship was online and long distance. we are moving forward with a positive attitude that this new relationship will be able to provide us, given time, all the things we were both missing in our previous relationships.

i truly hope that my ex finds the same things in his relationship and he just might while he is off enjoying a camping weekend with his new lady, while the boys and i spend a much needed mom and sons weekend together.

139 days till xmas

2005-08-08T21:15:00.000-07:00

i actually saw a commercial for christmas seals on saturday. there is something very wrong with this.

very very wrong

it worked.

2005-08-04T15:24:00.000-07:00

it was a nice nap full of dreams. ;)

i need a nap

2005-08-04T13:25:00.000-07:00

it is funny everytime i sit down to type one of these blogs i get tired. i suppose it is because i usually use a deep thought process to recall the memories i type or it could just be that i am dog tired by the time i have enough time in a day to blog. today though my excuse is im blogging so i will fall asleep. i have been packing and cleaning since sunday morning and im finally just getting too tired to continue. i am almost done and will not have any guilt if i decide today is a good day to nap. couple hours rest then i can load up the van so i am ready to go in the morning.

wow do i ever miss my children

2005-07-30T23:26:00.000-07:00

sad but true

2005-06-20T23:56:00.000-07:00

i have been thinking for a while about how to define my memories about my dad in the same way i have about my mom and my nana on this blog. each time i try though i can't place the words properly.

you see my dad and i have a very different relationship than most father-daughter relationships you may consider stereo-typical.

i love my dad as much as i love any member of my family and i try to let him know that through unconventional ways. i write him long lettters and emails, many of which i can't bring myself to send for my own reasons. i have sent him a few over the years and more often than not i do not get much of a response from him. that is in part why i don't send more of them.

you see talking to my dad is difficult. i don't know if that is because of the person he is, the person i am, or because of my personified view of our relationship.

mom and dad seperated when i was almost 7 years old. i grew up with mom but saw dad pretty much every other weekend my entire childhood. i only remember once or twice that i stayed with him more than the usual friday - sunday schedule.

i have good memories of those weekends. to be honest i can't really remember any bad memories. a few bad instances of course but nothing that could ever make me say i didn't want to go to dad's.

my dad is very particular about his life and the things that go on in it and he has always been a very organized and put together individual. there was always routine to the weekends at his house from going grocery shopping or to the dry cleaners every saturday to the pancake and scrambled egg breakfasts we had virtually every sunday morning.

there was free times though where we would go swimming, or out to visit friends or jsut sit and watch tv together on the couch. i loved curling up with my dad before bed just to be able to feel him close and smell his clean skin.

my favorite time with him though was always playing board games. he taught my brother and i how to play backgammon and monopoly and we would play for hours sometimes leaving the game on the table overnight when it got to late to continue playing.

we learned so much playing those games with him. about our family history and the goings on in his life. about how to earn a dollar and keep it. about how to stratagize and plan our next moves with caution always looking at all the options so that we wouldn't lose in the end. about how much love and patience he had for his children.

playing games with dad taught me so much about what was to come in my future. i didn't know that then of course but looking back now i see just how much i learned on those weekends.

its 20 years now since those weekends with dad came to an end. they ended gradually as my brother and i grew into teenagers who wanted nothing to do with our parents and then of course we moved into adulthood when seeing our parents was not tops on the list as we began our own families.

a few years ago i decided i needed to get away and went to spend a week with my dad and his wife. i wanted dad's advice on life and what he thought of my current situation at the time. i got the advice i sought even though it wasn't exactly what i wanted to hear at the time.

i also got a glimpse of 20 years ago when it was dad teaching me about life. we talked for hours that week i was there, just he and i about different topics that had nothing to do with what i was going through. it didn't matter though because it was the time with dad that i have desperately been missing in my life since i started my own family 15 years ago.

recently i went to dinner with my dad and his wife as well as my brother and his family. i am sure they did not realize how left out i was from the evening. my brother kept the flow of the conversation going most of the night with the goings on in his life, which in all fairness have been pretty major since he had an accident in march. however i couldn't help but notice that i would not have been missed had i not been there.

i have had a pretty major 6 months in my life but it was never brought up and i was not asked how things were going in my life.

i left that visit in tears and called my mom for her support and shoulder to cry on.

since then i have only had a couple interactions with my dad's wife not with my dad at all.

this weekend was father's day and i heard via my brother that my card didn't arrive on time. i am horrible at sending cards on time if at all and i never fail to come up short where my dad is concerned. my brother informed me that my dad was extremetly upset and my brother basically gave me hell for coming up short yet again.

i sent dad an email apologizing though it means very little at this point. the boys and i tried to call twice on sunday and i tried to call again twice on monday but to no avail.

our relationship just seems to go back and forth like this all the time. one of us always disapointing the other and neither of us being able to confront the issues.

in february my dad and i almost bridged some communication first through the phone then through email but my last email to him never recieved a response. my step mother told me not to expect one. i couldn't help it though.

i have finally stopped waiting for the email that is never going to arrive.

i will make my best effort to never leave him waiting for the card again cause i finally understand how it feels.

wonderful

2005-04-10T20:52:00.000-07:00

what a fantastic weekend.

friday afternoon, after much thought i decided i was going to go to kamloops for a couple nights. with nothing else planned till sunday, taking the kids to meet my new boyfriend sounded like a really good idea. we jumped in the van at 430 and headed out. i didn't tell the kids where we were going although daniel asked if we could go see D so the idea wasn't something they hadn't already considered. we stopped at moms before heading out and by 615 we were on the road heading into the mountains.

the drive this time of year is always stunning. the tail end of winter was still visible in the mountain range but spring is only a few hours of sunshine away when you get to ground level. we followed rivers and creeks and streams and saw lakes along the way some still frozen others ready for boat fishing again. the birds flying through the peaks and valleys, their wings fully extended, soaring in the down drafts caused by the winds in the valleys.

the roads were great, no snow at all just bare pavement and a long forgotten speed limit. the traffic was very light and i set the cruise and the kids and i talked. being out of radio range give you a great chance to talk to kids about a full range of topics.

we talked about C and I breaking up and how that was affecting them. they really are handling that well. like little adults. they don't ask too many questions but when they do the questions are always thoughtful and relevant in a way that is beyond their years sometimes. we talked about D and how he will fit into my life as a boyfriend but that he won't be replacing anyone in their lives he will only be a new friend to them. dan asked if i was going to marry D i told him i thought he might be jumping the gun a bit and that it wasn't in the plans. we talked and laughed and i listened to their stories about school and dan's trip to the long houses last week, he really enjoyed going there with his class.

soon it was almost dark and we were almost there. the boys began to get restless so i found a cbc station and it was broadcasting an interview with a nurse who cared for Terry Fox before during and after he was diagnosed with the cancer that eventually killed him. 25 years. for those of us who followed the story and know who terry was and what he stood for it is hard to believe that it has been so long. anyone reading this who doesn't know Terry's story really should read about him HERE. the boys were fascinated by the story and the rest of the drive was pretty uneventful.

our visit was wonderful. the kids really enjoyed themselves and so did D and i. only thing to have made it better would have been having all the kids together. D's kids were with their mom's for the weekend. saturday D worked so the kids and i kept busy visiting and shopping then when we knew D would be home from work we headed back to the house for dinner. it was fun to watch the boys all working together to spring clean the gardens while i started dinner and played domestic. we didn't eat till late and after watching some tv D went to the store while i cleaned up dinner and got the boys ready for bed. we had another nice evening together and tucked into bed after a long day.

this morning i had to leave early to get to mom's. i bought her tickets to cats for mother's day. an early gift since the show won't be here in may. the boys were really good on the way home and were looking forward to an afternoon with papa. i was looking forward to the day with mom. she took me to cats when i was 17 and we both loved it then. when i found out they were coming to town i knew i had to get us tickets. been too many years of not being able to do stuff like that with my mom and i thought this was a great way to start that tradition again.

the show was incredible. the emotion and power the dancing and music the story all of it perfectly timed and well played out as only a broadway show can be. we both loved it and it was nice chance to visit just us.

all in all the weekend was wonderful and a nice change from the day to day routine that was starting to get me down.

thanks ray for coffee on friday and for the talk that led me to the wonderful weekend. next time coffee is on me.

Deeper Than Crying

2005-03-16T06:27:00.000-08:00

Leaving is the longest word I ever learned

In the time it takes to say it the whole world has turned

If a heartbeat lasts a lifetime then I've lived before

Cause I remember standin' at this open door.

This path is not the one I'd choose to travel

Even as we watch what tied us unravel

And the tears fall like rain deeper than crying

The loving still remains.

Neither wants to be the one to say goodbye

And neither wants to be the one who's left to cry

But in our secret heart of hearts we both know

That the time for patching up has passed and it's time to go.

So, I'll be the one to pull our tangled lives apart

I won't dodge the angry words that hide a broken heart

And my calm fare-thee-wells cannot obscure

That deep inside my heart is also hurtin' so

talking to myself

2005-03-13T23:27:00.000-08:00

who knew?i did.ya did?sure.how'd ya know?been there done that.well why didn't i know?ya did.I did?sure ya did i told ya.ya did?yup for months.well why didn't i know then?ya weren't listenin.guess i wasn't was I?i know why too.why's that?cause ya got a soft spot.i do?sure do ya always have.is that bad?nope not at all.why does it stop me from hearing?oh you hear all right.i do?yup ya do. ya just don't listen.theres a difference?sure is.what's the diff?hearing is qualifying the noise.whats listening?listening is qualifying the words.so ya told me huh?time and again.do you think im a fool?nope no fool.what then?your just you.should i change?nope i don't think so.then how do i know it won't happen again?you don't.then i should change, right?no you should just be aware.aware?yeah aware. aware of how much losing a friend can hurt.so guard myself more?well maybe. any suggestions how?only one.will you tell me?yes.right now?yes. here goes... listen to your instincts. your gut and your heart will fight with each other sometimes but most often they agree on how you should handle things and that is why i am here... to tell you over and over again what they think so that you can make an informed choice. in other words start listening to me and you will be just fine.ya know what... most of the time i do listen to you then something or someone comes along and my judgement is clouded by desire or misguided trust and it never fails to amaze me that you don't say i told you so when it happens.i am not here to say i told you so i am here only to guide you. you make the conscious choices and i make our fantasy ones.hey speaking of that, do you think we could have more good dreams at night?i will work on it.thank you that is all i can ask for and with that i will let you go to work on the dreams while i get a good nights rest.sound good to me. sweet dreams.im counting on it. g'night

baby talk

2005-03-07T02:33:00.000-08:00

standing in tim hortons today waiting to purchase my extra large 3 cream 2 sugar i was transfixed by the site of a family sitting in the corner of the resetaurant. mom was facing me, dad with his back to me, and the little baby in the stroller was also facing away from me. the family caught my eye only because dad was swinging an octopus in the babe's face, its 8 legs dangling freely in and out of the babe's reach and on and off of his or her soft skin.

i have no idea the age of the baby but i can safely say probably around 5-6 months by the reaction the parents were making toward the child. mom ohhhing and awwwing as the babe tried in vain to catch the dangling legs his/her father was so intently trying to occupy the completely content child with.

as i stood there my own children waiting impatiently in the van while i got my coffee at this drive-thruless timmies, i was struck by the question "when did i stop acting like that around my own children?"

as anyone who has spent anytime around infants and young babies can tell you, losing time is easy. i remember losing large blocks of time after having my boys. with robert it seems i sometimes lost whole days looking into his soft sweet face for hours on end. breast feeding, chore that it could be, was also a time when i would just look at him for long moments that could stretch into hours. the same was true with daniel and andrew although with both the younger boys interruptions by their siblings were inevitable. little brothers are never as content to stare at the new offspring as their parents seem to be.

the faces i would make, the noises i would sound, baby noises adults call them, although i think if the babies could communicate, in ways other than goos and gaas and cries, they would tell us in no uncertain terms that not only can they not understand a word we adults mumble to them but we sound and look like blithering idiots while doing so.

what struck me though was not that this mother and father were literally making fools of themselves while playing with their child, nor was it that society accepted this abnormal behaviour as normal from new parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and anyone else who might come in contact with the babe. what struck me was the wonder of when i myself stopped loving my children that much that being a fool in the presence of complete strangers started to matter.

my boys are now 12, 9, and 7 and when we are in public not only do i expect them to behave as little adults with manners and respect for those around them, but i also attempt to portray myself as the mother of perfect children. this of course is so far from the truth that i perhaps look like more of an idiot than the parents making faces in restaurants and food courts all over north america. i do suspect however that i am not the only parent doing this.

there is a song on the country radio stations right now called "let them be little" by billy dean.

"So let them be little 'cause they're only that way for a while Give them hope, give them praise, give them love every day Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle Oh just let them be little. "

it speaks eloquently of what every parent of children says after those tender years are gone and they are no longer little. when we begin to look back on the childhood we all seem to rush our babies through only to regret those days being gone later on.

i will not revert to gooing and gaaing with my boys but as someone very dear to me said recently i should take more time to let them be little. i will be more patient and giving and i will not try to be the perfect parent i can never be. i will not expect them to be the angels they arent, either in public or at home. i will spend more time with them enjoying the things they enjoy. i will put aside my stress and my hustle and bustle life for a few minutes each day to let them be little and to be little with them. i will stop to listen to them for what they have to say is important to them regardless of whether it is to me or not.

i want my children to know that no matter what i am proud of them and i love them enough to goo and gaa in an age appropriate manner that makes them feel uniquely special. i do love them that much i always have and i always will.

So innocent, a precious soul, you turn around It's time to let them go.